Saturday, July 11, 2015

My life is strange

This past week was strange, crazy, exhausting, and I don't even know what else.

Initially, when Lover left to go home and move his family up here, I was having a really hard time with it.  I cried a lot.  It doesn't help that I was on my period, so my hormones were all over the place.  I really didn't know how I was going to handle this when he got back and I had to see him at work.  Then, a few days before he was due back, Tim called.  I hadn't talked to him for a week or so, which is actually longer than usual for us these days.  He'd just been busy and had a lot going on, so he hadn't had the chance.  And depending on where he is for work, he's either one or two hours behind me.

Anyway, Tim was waiting on someone else to show up and had a few minutes, so he figured he'd call me.  We only talked for ten or fifteen minutes.  But something clicked in me.  That's what I want.  I want a man who will call to chat when he has a moment because he's thinking of me.  Lover doesn't do that.  I suspect he does think of me, but he can't contact me because, well, he has a wife.  Even on the occasions that he has called, he doesn't usually have much to say.  And while I like to talk, I don't want to always have to carry the conversation.

After that conversation with Tim, I felt a lot better.  I didn't cry any more.  I was looking at it more like I didn't really want Lover anyway.  Not long term.  There are a lot of good things about him, but there are a few things that I really want in a man that he's definitely missing.  A big one?  He is afraid to take charge of anything.  Ever.  There have been occasions where he'll take charge, sexually, but I think he only does it because he knows I like it, not because he actually wants to.  And I want someone who can and will take charge outside of the bedroom, even if it's not a specific D/s relationship.

So when Lover was back in the office on Monday, I was feeling okay about it.  And things started out well enough.  It was a little awkward, to me at least.  I felt like I should just leave him alone unless I had sometime work-related to say to him.  But I think I relaxed a bit and we were able to chat about whatever.  There was still this draw to him, but I behaved.

We have a divisional meeting twice a year where all the guys travel to the office and we meet for a couple days.  So everyone was in the office Tuesday and Wednesday.  That includes Mason, whom I haven't seen in a year, because he couldn't be here for the meeting in January.  I basically hadn't seen him since our one time together and we hadn't really even stayed in touch outside of work.  I gave up on being his friend.  I think he needs friends, but I don't think I need to be one of them.

At one point, I saw Mason and Lover standing next to each other while they were working on something in the shop.  I had to stop and watching, just thinking about how bizarre my life is.  Feel free to pause and do the same.

Because of everyone being here, it was busy and chaotic for a few days, which it always is during the divisional meetings.  Doug and I had some interactions, a little flirting this time, but still behaved.  I had intended to keep my distance more than I was at that point, but I still hadn't crossed any major lines.

All the guys had left by late afternoon on Thursday, so things were calm again.  Thankfully.

Friday was harder.  We still didn't cross any big lines, but we've hugged a few times.  I told Lover that I missed him and he said he missed me too.  Bad.

I think I've noticed a pattern - finally.  I let my guard down, I make myself open and vulnerable to him, and then he backs off.  So I feel rejected and hurt and I put my guard  up again.  Then Lover acts more like he wants me... and so on.

It happened again on Friday.  I cried while I drove home, feeling rejected and hurt once again.  Ugh, I hate that I keep doing this!

That's when I realized the pattern that we keep falling into.  And I'm hoping that in noticing the pattern, I can break it.  In the end, I just can't let my guard down.

It was about that time that Tim called again.  Ah, Tim.  He has great timing, reminding me what kind of man I'd really like.  If the situation were different, we would be together.  But life is not that kind.

Once again, I felt better after talking to Tim.  He doesn't know he makes me feel better because, of course, he doesn't know anything about Lover.  We only talked for about fifteen minutes, but it still helped.

So that's where things are at.  I love Time, but he's too old and too far away.  I would give Lover a chance at a real relationship, because there are a lot of good things about him, but I don't think that will ever happen because he doesn't have the balls to end his crappy marriage.  In the end, my life is the same that it's always been.  Just me, alone.

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Saturday, June 27, 2015

Torture

Lover left a few days ago to go home.  So it's over.  Or is it?

I've always been very clear with him that once his family was here.  And while he's admitted that he'd like to have his cake and eat it (or me) too, he's knows it would just never work.

The plan was for his wife to drive up here and pick him up, since he'd be driving the Uhaul when they came back.  Long story short, she flipped out on him (again) the night before she was supposed to drive here.  She was cursing at him and yelling that she wanted a divorce.  Apparently she wasn't even going to drive up here, but their sons said they wanted her to pick up Lover.  So she did.  I saw them from the other side of the lot the morning that they left, as Lover was loading his stuff into their car.  He didn't see me.  His body movements just looked... tired.  Since I couldn't talk to him after she got there, I have no idea what went on between them, but based on everything leading up to it, I'm guessing it didn't go well.

Our deal has always been that I would never contact him while he's home, unless I hear from him first.  Of course.  Because she's already suspicious of him about every little thing, so we don't need her being suspicious of me too.  And that was the arrangement this time too.  I haven't heard from him.  He left four days ago.  I have no idea what's going on.

I hope they just end it.  Yes, partly for selfish reasons, although Lover and I agreed some time ago and reiterated this the day before he left, that if they ever split, he should take some time to himself.  We wouldn't just immediately jump into a relationship.  Which means that whether she moves with him or not, we have to be over, at least for now.

I've thought for a while now that their marriage was probably past saving, and I feel that way more than ever now.  I kind of think that they both want out, but neither of them is willing to actually be the one to do it.  I also think that if they're going to split, this is a good time to do it.  Lover has to move here because of his job.  If his wife doesn't want to stay with him, then she can either stay there or move back to the town they used to live in - which she's apparently mentioned doing.

I know Lover is concerned about their boys, obviously.  I told him that ending his marriage doesn't mean that he won't be with his boys any more.  I told him that he and the boys could move up here.  That way he could be part of their daily lives, which is what he really wants in all of this, and they won't have to live with a crazy mother any more.  They're both old enough at this point that they could be home alone for a couple hours after school and it'd be okay.

So... I really don't know.  Maybe everything is done and over with, and we go back to being just co-workers.  Maybe we take a break while he gets divorced and then we get to have a shot at being in a real relationship.  

I hope it's the latter.

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Friday, June 19, 2015

Almost Over

My affair with Lover is nearly finished.

He'll be leaving in about four days to go home, pack up his family, and move them up here.  Once he leaves, we're done.

I'm sad, of course.  I'm going to miss him terribly.  I'll still see him at work, but it won't be the same.  Because it can't be.  He's a sweetheart and a generous lover.  Of course I'll miss him.

I think there's a small part of me that will be relieved.  No more sneaking around.  Less up and down depending on whether or not we had any time together or feeling frustrated if his wife has, once again, treated him horribly.

He thinks things will be different once his family is moved up here and settled.  He thinks his wife will be better.  I told him I think she'll be good for a while, but she'll eventually go back to her old ways.  I said that her being local doesn't mean she'll automatically trust him, it just means that she'll have a shorter leash on him.  He didn't really know what to say to that.

It would hurt, but I do hope that they can actually make their marriage work.  I told Lover that I thought they should go to counselling once they're moved up here.  Make it a good marriage, not just something they're surviving because they don't have the courage to do anything different.  What really pains me is the thought of him spending the rest of his life in a half-hearted marriage, being taken for granted, not being trusted, and being treated badly.  The thought of that brings tears to my eyes just typing it.

I think it's a good thing that he'll be gone for a bit when this ends.  I'll have some time without seeing him at all, which will - hopefully - make it easier to treat him as just a regular co-worker when he returns.  We're also having a divisional meeting when he gets back, so it'll be busy and all the guys will be in town, which will be a good distraction.

In the end, though, this is going to suck.

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Sunday, May 10, 2015

Life Is Ridiculous

Things with Lover are in flux.  His family finally went home after being here for five weeks.  I was able to "visit" him a couple times after they left.  It was so good.  I apologize if this is TMI, but that man knows what to do with his head between my legs!!

However, a couple weeks after his family left, Lover himself was sent home.  Andrew's boss realized that, after 9 months, Lover hadn't actually moved up here yet.  And not only that, his house wasn't even on the market yet!  His hotel and food has all been paid by the company this whole time, so the big boss man put and end to that.  Andrew basically told Lover to go home and not come back until there was a For Sale sign in his yard.  So Lover went home for about ten days to get that all taken care of.  Why his wife couldn't manage it to get it done, especially with her claiming all she wanted was to move up here, is beyond me.

What this means, though, is that Lover is no longer staying in a hotel where I can visit him without other people knowing.  In fact, at this point, he's living out of Andrew's camper... at Andrew's house.  So you know I'm not going to visit him there!  He could come see me, but he's driving a company truck... which has a tracking device in it.  Granted, they don't usually check them unless there's a specific reason to, but it's still not worth taking that chance.  So, we're kind of on hold for the moment and, in fact, we may be pretty much over.  We'll get together again if we have a good opportunity, but I'm not confident that it'll happen.

I'd like to say that I regret this whole relationship, helping a man cheat on his wife and all, but I learned something really important (to me) in all of this.  In my marriage to XM, he could never consistently satisfy me and make me orgasm.  It happened, but not regularly.  It was a huge source of frustration for both of us.  He said he'd never had that issue with the two women he'd had serious relationships with before, and even though he said he researched online how to improve things, nothing ever changed.  Not having that much sexual experience before our marriage, I was honestly worried that maybe it was me.  What if I was someone who was just really hard to satisfy?  So what I learned from my time with Lover is that that's NOT the case.  Yay!!  It's honestly a big relief.  I orgasmed every single time we were together, sometimes multiple times.  There was even a time or two that I thought it wasn't going to happen, in one case because he was rushing, but he slowed down, kind of started over a little, and made me orgasm anyway.  So now I'm not worried that I'm somehow broken or will never really be able to be satisfied.  It's just a matter of finding someone who knows what to do with me, and is willing to take the time to get it right.

But, as this post is title, life is ridiculous.  Why?

I haven't talked to Tim much in the last couple years.  Initially it was because I was living with Mom when I moved back to the States, so that was not really an option.  Then about the time I moved into my own place, he had to have surgery and was home for a while, so we couldn't talk then either, although I talked to his wife at one point.  But I wasn't sure how long he was home or when he went back on the road, so I just didn't call.  And since I'd moved, he didn't have my new phone numbers.

Then we got word in the fall that Tim's wife, Ann, had been diagnosed with cancer.  A very rare form of cancer and they were only giving her months to live.  I had planned on calling them over the holidays, but since I got bronchitis a couple days before Christmas, I wasn't talking to much of anyone at that point.  So I never did talk to either of them.  Then Ann died the first week of April.  She wasn't into funerals, so they just had a memorial for her one Sunday after church.  Because they kept it a small affair, neither Mom nor I went.

I waited a few weeks and then called Tom.  I thought I'd wait until after things calmed down a little before getting in touch with him.  We only talked about ten minutes when I called him.  He was back on the road again, working with his son.  It was at the end of a long day for them and it was late which was why we didn't talk long.  But I told him that he had my number now, so he could call any time he felt like talking.

It was a week or so later that he did call again.  He said they've been working long hours, but he was home for a couple days and finally had time to talk.  He told me what all had happened with Ann.  He seems okay about it all and never got emotional while talking about it.  Although, to be fair, I've never heard him get emotional about anything.  I'm sure it helps that they knew it was coming and that he no longer has to watch her suffer.  He said the only time it's really hard for him is when something happens and he thinks, "Oh, I have to tell Ann about that." And then it's that half-second later it hits him that he can't because she's dead.  He did say that's he's been glad to get back on the road and get back to work.  He had basically dropped everything for the last six months while Ann was sick, so I'm not surprised that he's glad to get back to some semblance of normal, even if it'll never be exactly the same again.

He sounds good, and I'm glad for that.  Our conversations never strayed into anything sexual or inappropriate, even if it's not so inappropriate now.  I don't know if either of us want to go down that path again.  I doubt I'll bring it up.  But I am enjoying talking to him again.  It's nice to have someone to chat with about your day or whatever.  He's still my good friend.

All of that being said, I find it amusing that, as things seem to be ending with Lover, Tim kind of comes back into my life.  Even if it's just as my friend, it still makes me think that life is ridiculous.

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Thursday, April 02, 2015

Back to where we started

It's been months since I've blogged, and I'm sorry for that.

I keep intending to blog, but - obviously - haven't gotten to it.  The main reason is that I don't know what to write.  A lot has happened with Lover in the last few months, although the funny thing is, we seem to have ended up back where we started.

Lover's marriage has nearly ended a couple times since I last wrote, then they started trying to make it work.  His wife and kids have now been in town for the last month, which means he and I haven't spent any time together outside of work.  He says things are going pretty well between them (which you wouldn't guess by the way he makes out with me every day at work), but I still question their marriage.  She doesn't trust him and never has.  As a result, he lies to her so that there aren't confrontations about the stupid crap that she gets mad about.

Anyway, the fact that their marriage came so close to ending made me start thinking more about maybe he and I actually having a relationship.  That's not to say that I hadn't thought about it before, but this made it more of a real possibility.  Then when things start going better between them, it was a real blow.  It's funny; I've tried to end things with Lover over and over and over again.  I'll be so determined and I feel completely strong in ending it... then I'm around him and I can never stick with it.  It's ridiculous.  But as a result, there's been a lot of ups and downs.  It was getting to the point where I was actually anxious going to work every day because I didn't know how it would be between us, how things were going in his marriage, how well I could handle it all.

So I finally said to him a few weeks ago that I just wanted to go back to how it was before, when it was just a friends with benefits thing.  Lover, of course, was fine with that.  Not that we've been able to do much, with his family in town and all.  So here we are, back to where we started, carrying on until his family moves up here for good.

The thing that upsets me now is that I have serious doubts that we'll be able to maintain our friendship once his family is here.  He says we definitely will, but as jealous and possessive and distrusting as his wife is, I just don't see how we can.  I mean, I guess we can be friends at work only, but that's not a true friendship.  At least not to me.  And as much as I like Lover, even just as my friend, that really makes me sad.

In other news, Brother and his GF are now married!!  I now officially have a sister-in-law!!  So, in terms of this blog, BGF is now SIL.  Ha!  I'm really happy for them, and I'm happy that I like her and we get along quite well.  It was a very small, simple ceremony on a weekday afternoon with just a little family.  They plan on having a reception in the fall, which is when they'll invite everyone else to celebrate.

Now, here's hoping it's not another three months before I blog again!

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Friday, December 26, 2014

Just an update

I'm finally getting around to blogging again.  You know, I just don't get on my laptop as much these days, and I'm sure not going to blog at work.  So I apologize for all the long spaces between posts.

Not much has been happening with Lover lately.  I started on birth control back in October, and it's one of those where you're supposed to only have your period every three months.  I mean, I've always hated having my period, so I figured that if there was a way to have it less, why not?  Of course, they say that it's common to have "spotting," especially when you first start taking it.  But I never do anything normal, so why should this "spotting" be any different?  I was basically bleeding for a month, and it's just now ending.  It started out light, but got heavier to where it was at least as heavy as a regular period, maybe even heavier.  Like I was having the last two months of menstruating in one.  I had cramps worse than I'd ever had before.  I did eventually contact my doctor, but it was about the time it finally started to slow down, so we decided to just let it run its course.  However, if it keeps happening in the future, I'll be switching to a different pill.

Because of all the lovely bleeding, Lover and I didn't really spend any time in the three weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  My bleeding started the day after Thanksgiving, so we decided to just wait until it stopped, thinking it wouldn't last that long.  Ha.  Two nights before he left to go home for Christmas, it had finally slowed enough that we did get to spend some time together and have a little fun.  We both really wanted that before he left again for two weeks.  It was a really good release.

Other than that, things about the same between us.  His marriage is crap, but I still don't think he's going to leave his wife.  If she chooses to leave, he wouldn't fight her on it, but I don't think she'd leave either.  Sometimes I think she sees him as a bit of a meal ticket.  She doesn't work outside the home, and I'm sure she'd have to if they split up.  One of the reasons why, if given the chance, I'm not sure Lover and I would work as a real relationship is that he is HORRIBLE about making decisions.  He won't make a decision about anything unless he absolutely has to.

Now, as we all know, I like a man who can and will take charge.  I've even told Lover that I like that, and that I have that expectation.  I figure he should know that up front.  And while a part of me thinks he's capable of stepping up and taking charge, I think most of me knows that it's unlikely.  Andrew actually has that struggle with him at work too, needing Lover to step up and take the lead, and it just doesn't happen, even though he's told he can and should.

So, I still think this will all end up like I thought it would from the beginning: he'll stay with his wife, he and I will carry on until his family moves here, and then it'll be crap when we have to stop.  There's always the possibility that we'll stop sooner.  I told him recently that I didn't know how much longer I could do this; it's too hard that he belongs to someone else.  I don't know.  He does seem to be a bit of a weakness for me.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I'm weak

Well, the affair being over didn't last long.  A few days.  Basically, as soon as he got back to town, it was on again.  I seriously don't know what my deal is, but I don't seem to be able to stay away from him.

He's home again now, though, for the Thanksgiving holiday.  I miss him.  I'm really curious as to how things will go for him at home.  Why?  Because apparently his wife is angry that they haven't already moved and didn't speak to him the entire time he was here after the last time he went home - three weeks!  I don't get that.  I think his wife sounds crazy and immature.  This is a marriage, there will be problems.  You discuss them, you deal with them, you don't just give someone the silent treatment.  Anyway, I don't hear from Doug at all while he's home, for obvious reasons, so I won't know until he gets back how things went.

I still struggle every day with what I'm doing, this relationship that I'm in, whatever it is.  With him being gone, with no communication from him, it makes it that much harder.  How much longer can I do this?  And if his marriage stays intact long enough for his family to move here, then it's going to have to end anyway.  It's like I know I'm setting myself up for heartache, but I can't break away.

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Friday, October 31, 2014

It's over... for now

So my torrid affair with a married man is over.  At least, for now.  It was just too hard to even have time to be together.  Between his wife calling all the time, other coworkers being around, and him just plain falling asleep on nights when I was going to go see him, it wasn't working.  And I felt like it was kind of starting to affect me.

I actually had to call it off twice before it stuck.  And I'm still not completely sure it stuck this time, but I do feel more certain about it.  I called it off the first time this past Wednesday.  I told him I was done.  I said that the situation didn't allow us to pursue a real relationship - even though we'd both be interested in doing so were he not married - and if the sex isn't happening... then what's the point?  But then I'm around him during the day (because we work together), and I just cave.  I'm so drawn to him!

So I was going to give it one more shot that night.  One more chance to see if we could get together, especially since we was going to be leaving the next morning to go home for the weekend, since his family still lives elsewhere at this point.  And, as has so often happened lately, it didn't work out.  I couldn't go see him.  So I told him on the phone Wednesday night that I was done.  I just couldn't keep doing this up and down.  Getting excited because I think we're going to get time together, ending up disappointed because we don't, also ending up tired all the time (for nothing) because I stay up later than I would normally because I think I'm going to go see him, but then I can't.  He asked if we could still be friends and I said of course we could.  And I meant it.  He also asked if things ended between he and his wife, would I still be interested.  I said that I would be.  I told him that I wasn't ending things between us because I didn't still like him or care about him.  I was doing it just because I could keep going on in the situation as it was.

I cried, both on the phone with him and afterwards.  As much as this was meant to just be for fun, just sex, it turned into more.  I knew early on that it was going to happen, as did he, and we went ahead with it anyway.  There are a lot of things about him that I really like, that draw me to him, and him to me.

It's a bit of a relief, not having so much up and down.  Although at this point, it's mainly just down.  As I explained to him on the phone, he still has a wife to be with.  I'm going back to my life as usual before him, which means I'm going back to nothing.  Honestly, readers, that's a really hard pill to swallow.

I know he's debating about what to do going forward, in terms of his marriage.  His wife doesn't treat him well most of the time, and apparently threatens to divorce him on a regular basis.  He's always talked her out of it in the past, but he says he's done doing that.  The next time she says she's leaving, he's going to say "OK."  I have no idea if she'll actually go through with it or if she'll back down once he calls her on it.  However, I told him in our conversation on Wednesday night that I hope that these few days at home can help him make some sort of decision, come to some sort of conclusion.  I want him to be able to make a decision - whatever it is - and be happy with it, be content with it.  Since we work together, and we'll continue to be around each other, I don't want him to go on indefinitely feeling torn about what to do.

The truth is that I expect he'll stay with his wife.  There are multiple reasons for that, but a big one - if not THE biggest one - are the kids.  He really wants to be there for them, which he would finally be able to do with him not traveling all the time and them moving here.  I can't and wouldn't even try to change his mind on that.

So that's that.  He drives back here on Sunday.  I don't know if I'll hear from him or if it'll just be back to work as usual on Monday.  I'm not even sure which one I'm hoping for.

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Saturday, September 20, 2014

I am going to hell

It's recently become clear to me that, despite my best efforts, I am really not the person I thought I was or keep trying to be.  To be more specific, I am not the Christian that I should be.


I'm not going to go into much detail at this time, partly because I think it's still hard to admit that I'm such a willing participant in this, but I have very recently begun another friends with benefits relationship.  The part that makes it so bad?  He's married.  His wife currently lives a few states away, but will be moving here in a few months to join him.  At which point our relationship will go back to being just friends.

I will say this much: this current FWB relationship is very different from the attempted FWB I had with Mason.  A large part of it is that I feel like this one is an actual friendship.  Now that I'm a few months removed from my one encounter with Mason, it feels like it was nothing.  One time together and, while we're still perfectly fine as co-workers, I wouldn't really even consider him a friend at this point.  This time just feels like more.

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Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Still around

Dear readers, I'm sorry that I've been so bad about blogging lately.  Part of it is laziness, part of it is not always having something to say, and part of it is just not wanting to be on the computer once I get home from work after being on the computer all day while I'm there.

This is just a wee post to say that I'm not purposefully neglecting this blog.  It's time for bed, so I won't be writing much now, but I will return soon to let my fingers babble.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Sometimes decisions are made FOR you

In my last few posts, there's been a lot of back and forth as to what my relationship with Mason will be.  It's now been decided, and decided for good.  He got the first set of test results back and he is positive for something - herpes, to be exact.  It's HSV 1, which I guess is also considered oral herpes.  It's actually somewhat common and it's the virus that causes cold sores, so you know there's a lot of people who have it.

While I haven't been tested, especially since being with Mason, I doubt that I have it since I have never exhibited a single symptom.  I might still get tested, just to know for sure, but I'm not terribly worried.  Either way, Mason's not someone I could ever see building a life with, so it's sure not worth trying to pursue anything with him at this point.  Therefore, Mason and I are strictly friends from now on.  He thought I was just going to tell him to fuck off once he told me he had herpes.  I told him I didn't see why I would, that he hadn't done anything to me, and that it was actually a bit of a relief.  Now I don't have to figure out what the heck is going on and if he's jerking me around.  I can just be his friend.  He actually thanked me for still being his friend and said he didn't have very many, which confirmed what I already thought.

So that's that.  He and I have talked a time or two since then, not for any big length of time.  I could see us actually being friends, especially if he does end up moving here.  But there will definitely not be any more benefits.  As I wrote above, it's kind of a relief.  On the other hand, it's disappointing that my "friend with benefits" adventure ended as quickly as it started.  I suppose I might be a little more open to the idea now, but I still don't see it happening again any time soon, if ever.  It's a bummer that just as I finally had sex again, now it stops.

But, hey, maybe I got a new friend out of the deal and that's not so bad.

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Saturday, July 12, 2014

I don't know where it goes from here

After not expecting to hear back from Mason, as I said in my last post, I heard from him the next day.  We texted quite a bit.  Enough, in fact, that I'm not going to type it all out as I did last time.  However, this is the initial text that he sent:

I'm sorry for not talking as much just have a lot going on right now and can't keep up as much as I should with anything as I should, but no worries everything will be kept between us as it should and will always stay that way I give you my word.  Hope you have a good day.  :-)

My first thought - beyond "holy run-on sentence, Batman!!" - was just relief to hear from him at all.  From there, I tried to get some idea of what was going on.  Turns out that there was an ex-gf that wanted him back, which I guess was why I hadn't heard from him.  He said he'd done some things that he regretted and needed to get some things checked out.  I asked him if I was one of those things that he regretted, and he said no.  I still felt like I wasn't getting the whole truth from him, so I sent these two texts:

Mason, I don't play games.  I'm just upfront and honest.  So let me be honest with you.

I'm torn right now.  I can't decide if I should be your friend because I really feel like you need a friend, and if there are "benefits" that's fine.  If not, that's fine too.  Or if I'm being jerked around and I should just say screw it and us be nothing more than coworkers.

He then told me that he'd had unprotected sex and needed to get tested.  I'm assuming that the sex was with the off and on gf, partly because I don't really want to think that he's that much of a man-whore that he's just having sex with anyone, and partly because he was very insistent about using protection with me, so I can't imagine him having unprotected sex with someone unless he knew them.

In any case, the meetings at work with the entire division being here went well, although it was exhausting for me.  It was fun, but I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, not to mention that I didn't sleep well for days because I kept thinking of everything that needed to be done.  But, true to his word, Mason didn't say anything to anyone and didn't do anything unusual in his actions towards me.

He did throw me for a loop on the second day.  I was out in the shop tracking down a couple other guys for something and he came up and asked, "What is rent like around here?"  Um... what?!  I told him to give me a minute, so I could finish what I was in the middle of.  We then went into my office and I even asked him to close the door, partly on the pretense that we wouldn't be interrupted, but also because I kind of wanted to have this conversation in private.

While the guys were here, Andrew had a one-on-one conversation with each of them, just to address any problems, concerns, questions, whatever that they might have.  I guess his conversation with Mason centered around Mason's job going forward.  Unbeknownst to me, Mason has an interest in welding.  Our division does a little welding in our work and we already have a couple welders working for us.  Mason had in mind to take a leave of absence from work, use his GI bill (because he's a former Marine and current Army reservist), and go to welding school.  Then come back to work in our division as a welder, which would be a good thing for the company, since he already has other experience with us.

Lo and behold, one of the best welding schools in the country is right in this area!  I don't know if this was Mason's idea or Andrew's, but between the two of them, they came up with the possibility that Mason could move up here, go to the welding school, and still do a little work for us on evenings and weekends.  That way he can still earn a little money and stay current in our system.

I asked Andrew about it later, and he didn't seem 100% sure that Mason would actually follow through enough to make this happen, but I guess if he does, then Andrew's okay with it.  It wouldn't happen until probably the start of the new year.  But now the possibility exists that Mason will be moving here.

I really don't know what to think of that.

We've had a little more interaction since that conversation, both speaking and via text.  I feel a little better about things between us.  I'm still can't decide if I'm okay with continuing with the "benefits" side of things, but I still feel strongly that Mason could use a friend.  Not to say that he doesn't have friends, but I don't think he has very many, especially close friends.  The crazy thing - OK, one of the crazy things - in all of this is that I have no idea when he'll even be here again.  That's the nature of this work, the guys traveling all the time.  There were some of the guys that I was seeing for the first time in months when they were here for the meetings.

So, I really don't know what happens next.  I think I'm going to just lay low and see what Mason does.  At this point I just feel wary and like I need to be careful.  I'm also still trying to wrap my head around the idea that he might live here.  Oy.

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Monday, June 30, 2014

I really know how to pick 'em

I don't have a friend with benefits.  I don't have a friend.  By default, Mason is still my coworker.

Rather than trying to explain it, I'll just share the texts we've exchanged.  What I've put in italics are my asides, not part of the texts.

17 June (5 days after our evening together)
Suzy: Good morning!  I came last night thinking about your cock.  ;-)
(Yes, I really am that bold and brazen sometimes.  I'm such a hussy.)

Suzy: Sorry if that's more than you wanted to know.

18 June
Suzy: I may have told you wrong about your break.  If you want to work over the 4th of July you might be able to, although it'll probably mean working with Jason (a crew leader than Mason doesn't like).  Then we're bringing everyone here after the 4th for a day or 2.  So you could start your break after that if you wanted.

Mason: OK.  Sounds great, I'll send the email tonight.  (The guys are required to submit their break requests via email.)

Suzy: How was your day?

Mason: Extremely long
Mason: Need sleep

Suzy: Alright, I won't bug ya.  Sweet dreams.  :-)

Mason: Not bugging me, night

Suzy: Can I ask if I weirded you out by sending you that earlier text?

Mason: No I had to delete it quick cuz my kid opened it and was going to start reading it.  (He was on the road for work, but was in the same area as where his 6 year old daughter lives, so I guess she was visiting him?)

Suzy: Oh crap!  Sorry.

Mason: It's ok I got to it on time
Mason: Thankfully

Suzy: Well, I hope you have good memories you can use when you feel like it.  ;-)

(no response)

Suzy: Sorry.  Night.

23 June
Suzy: Did you ever send the email about your break?  I haven't seen it.

24 June
Suzy: You're pretty quiet lately.  Are you doing OK?

30 June (today)
Suzy: Mason, I don't know what's going on since I haven't heard a word from you.  If you don't want anything more to do with me, that's fine.  All I ask is that you keep everything to yourself.

I haven't gotten a response at this point.  That could be because he's been working all day; these guys do work some long hours, especially during the summer.  But my guess is that I won't get a response.  Originally, I wasn't going to text him again after asking if he was OK.  It seemed pretty clear that I was being ignored, so I was just going to leave it alone.  But in planning for this upcoming meeting with all the guys in our division coming to town next week, I got this sudden thought of him opening his mouth and telling EVERYONE while they're all here.  I would hate for Andrew to find out.  And since Andrew's boss will also be here... that could be really bad and damage my professional reputation.  Not to mention the rest of my life.

As I mentioned in my last post, I asked Mason some questions while he was here, including what he wanted going forward.  That was when I got that strange answer about him not knowing and he didn't want to talk about it.  He tends to be pretty honest and blunt, so I didn't think he was just BS'ing me then because he was sitting on my couch, although I wonder about it now.  In any case, at that point, I told him that whatever conclusion he came to, I just wanted him to be honest with me.  I just want to know what's going on.  I don't know about you, dear readers, but I would always rather have the truth, even when it's painful, because at least then I know what I'm dealing with.

I always knew there was a chance that Mason would be done with me after one night.  Given how my life usually goes, I kind of even expected it.  I'm honestly not that bothered that that's how it's turned out.  What really pisses me off is that he can't just be straight with me, and he's just ignoring me instead.

Jackass.

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Saturday, June 14, 2014

I did it. Or him. Whichever you prefer.

Looks like I have a friend with benefits!  At least, for the moment.  More later about why it might not last.

This all came about rather quickly, to be honest.  I just met this guy a couple weeks ago.  This guy, let us call him Mason, is a fairly new co-worker of mine.  Him being a co-worker does make things a bit trickier, but not too bad.  When we first met, he was really formal and I thought he was really uncomfortable around me.  Now I think that's just how he is around new people.  By the second day, he wasn't like that at all.

We had some conversations here and there as we had the chance that brought up the topic of friends with benefits.  He said that that's exactly what he's looking for.  He doesn't want a relationship, but he doesn't want to just hook up with random people.  Plus, like almost all the guys in this division, Mason's on the road most of the time, and isn't usually in one place for more than a few nights, maybe a week at most.

My first reaction was that it's not for me.  No way.  But I was willing to explore the possibility and maybe just make a new friend.  I ended up picking him up at the hotel that evening (because we figured it would be best if he wasn't driving around in a company truck if we're meeting up) and we went out to dinner, a little south of town.  When the bill came, I asked if we were splitting it.  He said it was up to me.  I told him to decide, but I was okay with it either way.  He paid.

After dinner, I started driving north again on the interstate, but I was enjoying the drive and all of our conversation, so I asked if he was in any hurry to get back to the hotel (which also gave him an out if he didn't want to hang out any more.)  He said no, so we kept driving.  Just driving and talking.  The conversation was really interesting, I think.  We were both just being really honest about everything and asking each other questions.  It think we're both pretty straight forward people, and when you're in a situation where there's nothing to lose, it makes it easy to be totally honest.

I ended up driving about an hour north of town before we stopped to get gas and something to drink.  Then I just drove back south again, getting back to the hotel around 10 PM.  I will admit to a little groping in the car before we parted ways, but only for a few minutes.  Okay, several minutes.

The next day, Friday of last week, he was at the office all day, but mostly working in the shop, so we weren't around each other all that much, which was probably best.  I had told him the night before that if anything were going to happen, we would HAVE to be discreet, since Andrew is not just my boss, but also my friend and someone who goes to the same church that I do... and my mom does.  Funnily enough, I got a text later that first night from a friend at church who was at the same restaurant with her husband!  They only saw us when Mason and I were leaving, so they didn't say anything, and it would've been okay if they had, really.  I mean, two single co-workers having dinner is not a problem and as far as they would've known, that's all it was.

Anyway, his crew was getting ready to leave to head to a job a couple hours away when I left to go home for the day.  I went to Meat's house later that night, after her kids went to bed, to talk about all of this.  I had sent her a text the day before - before Mason and I went out that night - to ask if she'd ever had a friend with benefits.  She said she had (in between her marriages), so I definitely wanted to get her perspective on it.  We had a really good conversation.  It's really great to live only ten minutes from one of my best friends!

When I said good-bye to Mason on Friday, I knew he'd be back this week because of some training he needed to do.  When I talked to Meat about it Friday night, I decided that if I didn't hear from him at all while he was on the road, I wasn't willing to pursue a friendship with benefits.  To me, not being interested in the other person means it's just hooking up when he's in town, which I'm not up for.  I don't expect that Mason and I are going to be best friends, but I'm also not interested in it being ONLY about sex.

Don't you know... that Monday afternoon I received a text from Mason just saying hi and that he hopes I'm having a good day.  Now I'm in.

Mason comes back to town on Wednesday afternoon.  The training he's doing is Thursday and Friday morning.  When he gets to the office on Wednesday afternoon, he was talking about how he was stupid because he stayed up super late the night before because he'd just bought an Xbox to have on the road with him and he stayed up playing games.  He was really tired.  Before he'd gotten to town, we'd texted about getting together Wednesday night, but I told him once he was in the office - and no one else was around - that he didn't have to come over if he didn't feel up for it now.  But he said he still would.

Then after work, and after I met up with Mom for dinner, I texted Mason to see if he wanted me to pick him up or if he was going to drive to my place.  No response.  I go home, hang out for a while and try calling him.  No answer.  Now I don't know what to think.  Did he go back to the hotel and just crash because he was so tired?  Did he change his mind but he's too chicken to just be honest about it?  Did I misunderstand earlier when I thought he said we'd still get together even though I offered to cancel?

I never did get a reply that night, nor was there any the next morning until almost lunch time.  The guys were doing the training off-site Thursday morning and they'd already left by the time I got to work.  The training involves physical work, not just sitting at a desk or table, so I knew he wouldn't be able to get in touch during the training.  But just before noon, I did get a text from Mason saying that he'd fallen asleep when he got back to the hotel and didn't wake up until his alarm that morning.  He said he'd still like to get together that night if I wanted to, and that he hoped I wasn't too mad.  Of course, I played it off like it was no big deal and that that's what I figured had happened.  I said I'd still love for him to come over that night, and I'd offered to let him to laundry at my place, so I told him that was still okay with me too.

The guys were finished early enough that they left for the hotel before I was finished, so I picked him up again after I left the office.  We went to my apartment, I kind of showed him my little place, and then showed him where the washer and dryer were so he could put his clothes in the wash.  I was washing my hands when he asked if he cared if he put everything in the washer.  I don't know why I didn't immediately clue into what he meant, but I said sure.  I was thinking he meant that he has something really dirty and I wouldn't want that in my washer.  What he meant was that he was going to strip down to nothing so that he could put ALL of his clothes through the laundry.  So I turn around from the sink and... there's a buck naked man in my kitchen!  Fortunately he had his back to me, so he didn't see my surprise.  Or me checking him out.

He insisted that I get undressed because he felt a little weird about me being completely dressed and him being completely naked.  As a good hostess, I sure wouldn't want my guest to be uncomfortable!  And, gee, what are the two of us going to do once we're naked?  Yeah, no big shocker there!

We had good sex.  I wouldn't even say that it lasted all that long, but it was good.  At least, it felt pretty good to me and since he came, I guess it couldn't have been all bad for him either!  Afterwards, we just watched TV (still naked) as his clothes went through the dryer.  While his clothes were drying, I asked him some questions.  For example, he's dark complected with light brown eyes, and his name doesn't really give away what his ancestry is, so I asked.  He said he's Spanish, which still doesn't line up with his last name (which is clearly NOT Spanish), but I didn't pursue it.  That answer does line up with his first name and part of where he grew up.

I also basically asked what he wanted from our arrangement going forward, just so I would know what to expect.  Are we actually going to be friends?  At which point he interjected that we are friends.  Is he just looking to hook up when he's in town?  Does he just want to be co-workers and nothing more?  I figured now that he'd seen me naked and we'd had sex, if he was going to change his mind, this would be the time, and I'd rather just know than string it out.

He said that he had to go home next month for a little while to deal with some crap and he would know more after that.  I have no idea what that means.  I asked him, and he said he'd really rather not talk about it.  He said it would open a can of worms and he doesn't like to talk about negative stuff because then he just dwells on it.  He apologized because he knows that it sucks for him not to explain, but he just didn't want to talk about it.  

So, that's why I don't know if this friendship with benefits will last.  Mason has a young daughter with his ex-wife, so it could have something to do with that relationship.  It could be something else entirely.  I really have no idea.

For my part, I think it could be a good friendship with benefits.  There are enough things about him that I would definitely not want in a boyfriend, that I don't feel overly attached or too emotionally invested, which was my biggest concern about this kind of relationship.  For example, in all the time we spend together and the things we did, we never kissed.  Not once.  That definitely makes it easier to not read too much into it, you know?  But I like him enough to be friends, and I think he knows what he's doing in bed, which is a big plus.  So it could potentially be a good arrangement.

When his clothes were finished in the dryer, Mason got up to get them out and start folding them.  I told him I had a favor to ask of him.  He asked me what it was as I also got up and walked over.  He was putting on a clean pair of underwear.  I said, "Aww, bummer."  He just looked at me.  I said, "I wanted you to fuck me one more time before you left."  He was clearly surprised and replied, "Really?"  I said, "Yes.  That was my favor."

So he did me a favor.  Such a nice guy, willing to help a girl out like that.

After round two, I took him back to the hotel with his clean laundry.  I kind of wondered if at any point while he was there or after I dropped him off, I'd start to feel regret or anything.  I didn't and I haven't.  I probably should.  I mean, based on my Christian beliefs, what we did was totally immoral.  But I hadn't had sex since my marriage ended.  That means it had been four years, my friends.  That is a long time to not scratch that itch.

Mason left Friday afternoon with a different crew.  I have no idea when he'll be back.  That's the other interesting part of all this - we don't know how often we'll even be able to get together because it'll only happen when he's in town.  Of course, depending on what happens when he goes home next month, it might not matter.  

So we'll see what happens.  Maybe I'll actually something interesting to blog about from time to time!

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