Dirty Trees

I made my quick trip to Jasper last week.  I didn't have the best weather, but it was still great to spend a little time there.  I'm really going to miss it.

I saw these two trees at Maligne Canyon.  Am I the only one that thinks that these trees look like they're getting it on?

Leaving a touchstone

I'm leaving in the morning to go to the mountains for one last quick trip.  I'm having to watch my funds right now, so I'm only going for one night.  Fortunately I was able to cash in on some air miles points for a (reputable) motel gift card, so I only have to pay for food and gas.  


I'm excited about going because, as you all know, I love going to the Canadian Rockies more than I can even properly express.  LOVE IT!!!

But I'm also sad.  This is my last trip there until... who knows when.  I feel like I'm going to say good-bye to an old, dear friend without knowing when I'll be able to see them again.  It brings tears to my eyes just typing this, just as I cry a little every time I think about being there for the last time for a long time.  Maybe ever, although I certainly hope not.

I kind of feel like the mountains have been a touchstone for the journey that my life has taken over the last several years.  It's a special place anyway, but it means so much to me personally.  It's hard to leave it behind.

I'm not allowed to forget Canada

Last week I got together with some of the ladies that I used to knit with weekly.  It's been nearly a year since we got together regularly, and this is only the second or third time that I've seen them in the course of that year.  Of course, I wanted to hang out with them one more time before I left.  They knew beforehand of my plan to move, although they didn't know any of the details, but they gave me some gifts to make sure that wherever I go, and especially if I'm knitting, people know where I've been living for the last six years!

Isn't that fun?  Canadian flag, candy in Canadian wrappers, red Handmaiden Rumple yarn, Canadian flag headphone set, a Canada carrying case (complete with mini-scissors, stitch markers, and crochet hook), a Canada pencil with a moose on top, and a Canada knitting project bag!!  Not pictured here is the CD that one of the ladies made of songs by all Canadian artists!  Isn't that awesome?  One of the ladies also gave me a really nice project bag that's a little bigger and can fold up.  I didn't include it in the photo just because it's not Canada themed, but it's a really nice bag.  I was so touched that they would do any of this for me.  Even though I haven't seen them much this past year, I'm still going to miss these ladies.  I always had so much fun with them.

This is not exciting

Sorting, packing, throwing away... that's my life right now.  Exciting, isn't it?

I made my second trip to Goodwill today.  It will most definitely not be my last, since I already had one bag of clothes that I didn't include in this trip.  I've also made one trip to the used book store and will make one more since it turns out that they also buy DVD's.  I'm hoping that they'll buy mine (only a handful, I'm keeping most of them) so I can make a wee bit of money instead of just giving them away.

I've only mailed one box so far because I want to make sure that it gets through Customs okay.  I've never had a problem in the past, but on the customs form that's on the box, I've always checked off "Gift" before because that's pretty much always what it is.  This time I marked "Other" and wrote that the contents are included on the form that I'll be submitting at the border that lists all the items not accompanying me across the border.  I've got another two boxes ready to go, but I want to make sure that they'll get through Customs okay before I send them.

I've got exactly five weeks before I hit the road.  I go from feeling kind of overwhelmed and like I need to hurry up to feeling like I'm doing just fine and there's no big rush.  My rule right now is that I need to accomplish at least a few things every day to work towards getting ready to go.  I think I'll be okay, but I'll feel a bit better when I get a little more accomplished.

I'm getting together with the knitting ladies next week.  One more visit before I leave.  It's been almost a year since we got together regularly, so it won't be total withdrawal.  But I'm glad I get to spend a little more time with them before I move.

Unemployed and Lovin' It

My last day at work was this past Wednesday, although my last official day was Thursday.  But we were finished by noon on Wednesday, so that was that.  I'm very happy to not have to get up so early and go to work every day.  Hopefully I don't get too spoiled, since it'll be at least a couple months before I'm working again.  It's going to be about six weeks before I even leave Edmonton, and then I have to get to Ohio and start looking for a job in Lexington.


Anyway, now it's just going to be packing stuff and getting rid of stuff.  Mostly getting rid of stuff.  Originally, my plan was to rent a passenger van for my stuff, then Mom and I would drive my car and the van back to Ohio.  I could not find a passenger van or any other kind of vehicle that we could drive one-way from Canada to the States except for U-Haul.  The smallest U-Haul truck would've been $1500!!  I'm so not spending that kind of money.  Mom suggested that she fly into Montana, rent a van there, then drive to Edmonton to get me and my stuff.  That way the van stays in the States, essentially.  Except that there were no passenger vans to rent.  The largest vehicle I could rent was a minivan, and that would still be $900 - $1,000!  Really not worth it.

After all that, I just decided to get rid of a lot of stuff, mail most of what I'm keeping, and bring the rest in my car.  Mom's still going to fly up and drive back with me, but we'll both be in my car, which means that we can take turns driving and it'll make the trip easier.  I'm slightly bummed that I'm going to have to re-buy some of the stuff that I'm getting rid of, but most of it is not worth the money that it would take to mail or ship it.  The one thing I'd really love to take with me - my bed - I can't take because you can't take mattresses across the border due to bed bugs.  So I was going to have to get rid of it anyway.

That's the latest for me.  With work finished, my life will likely be pretty boring for the next little while.  Forgive me if I don't blog much.  It just means that I have nothing to say!

Almost Finished

It's now official that our office is closing.  My official last day is this coming Thursday, although I won't have to do a ton between now and then.  The office is mostly packed up and ready to go to head office in Calgary.  One of the guys from head office will be coming on Wednesday or Thursday with a truck to pick up all the stuff.  So I and one of the other ladies just has to finish getting things ready to go and then help load up the truck.

I'm not getting much in the way of severance, which I'm disappointed about, but there's nothing I can do about it.  They're giving me what they have to and that's about it.  They could've been slightly worse about it, so I'm trying to just be grateful for the little I am getting and leave it at that.

Since it's now official that the office is closing, it's also official that I'm moving back to the States.  I've already told Brother and Meat.  I've tried twice to get ahold of Jiffy, but I haven't reached her and she hasn't returned my call yet.  I'm having dinner with my three former coworkers that I've stayed friends with on Monday and I'll be telling them at that time.  After that point is when it'll become "public" knowledge because I'll make some sort of announcement-ish on Facebook.

I'm kind of dreading all the stuff I have to do before I leave, but at least I have several weeks without work in which to get it all done.  Then I'm outta here!

On the Verge

It's getting real, people.

I had been feeling like I was in a holding pattern, a waiting game, here at work lately. Feeling confident that our office would be closing at some point and I would be out of a job, but not knowing when that might happen. The more little clues we got that our office would be closing, the more I felt like I needed to do something and not just sit back and let things happen to me.

So last week I got to thinking about writing a letter to my boss to simply say that, from various indicators, I believe that the office in Edmonton will be closed at some point, and I would appreciate as much notice as possible since I plan on moving back to the States. Monday morning I typed out that exact letter and I asked my two coworkers here, Angie & Sylvia (Shauna resigned and her last day was last week) to read it to see what they thought. They both thought it was good, so I left it for a day, then re-read it on Tuesday to make sure I still liked it, and emailed it to my boss. I asked that he read the letter and that I looked forward to hearing from him at his earliest convenience.

I still haven't heard from him. Angie, however, sure has. She's worked here for ten years and is the senior-most person in our office. She and our boss spoke for a good 45 minutes at least. Apparently our boss spilled the beans to her, but asked that she keep it secret from Sylvia and me. He clearly doesn't understand what it means to work in a small office of only women!

Essentially, this is what the boss said: he - and possibly his boss as well - is going to be traveling to Edmonton next Wednesday. Angie submitted her resignation nearly two months ago, but agreed to stay on to help with the transition since she's going to be taking some time off and is not immediately moving on to another job. So Sylvia and I will be let go with some sort of severance and they're going to close the office THAT DAY. I believe my response was "holy crap!!"

Now the wheels are in motion. My plan right now is to move back to the States - going to Mom's house initially - at the end of May. To try to do it at the end of April would just be too quick, but I don't want to pay any more rent than I need to at this point. I called Mom last night to tell her what was happening. Of course, since none of this is actually official yet, I'm not telling anyone other than her. But since she's planning on coming up here to help me move back, this obviously affects her too.

Can you believe how quickly this is all happening?

Even though I'm not supposed to know, I'm really glad that I do. Now I know what to expect and what kind of time frame I'm dealing with. Now I've got something definitive to work with.

The thing I'm really pleased about is that I'm actually not going to have to keep working right up until I move. It gives me a lot more time to just pack and get things in order. It makes it a little easier to meet up with people I want to see one more time before I go. It also gives me the chance to make that last trip to the mountains. I don't know how much severance I'll be getting; legally they only owe me one week's pay since I haven't even worked here a full year. But Angie said she got the feeling (although our boss didn't specifically say anything) that Sylvia and I will be treated well. In my case, I'm hoping that means I'll get a month or two. Either way, I'll probably end up going on unemployment for just a month or two to hold me over, especially since I don't know how much longer my health insurance will last and that's what covers all of my prescriptions.

So that's the latest. When Angie told us all of this, I was a little shocked that they were closing the office so soon, but I was mostly excited. I got kind of emotional on my drive home from work, though, just thinking about the fact that his means that this chapter of my life is truly coming to an end. I know that's my choice, and I don't doubt it for a second, but it's still a big deal, you know?

I'm on the verge of moving on!

What I'll Miss

In one of my initial conversations with Mom after deciding that I'll be moving back to the States, she asked me what I'll miss about Edmonton.  I couldn't answer her because I started to cry.  When I recovered a bit, I told her I'd send her an email.  The following is what I sent her.


As you guessed, I've definitely already thought about what I'll be leaving behind whenever I move south. Of course, a number of those things - if not all of those things - have shaped what I'm looking for in a new city, whether it's something that I want or something I'm happy to leave behind.

I definitely plan on telling people that I'm moving once it's certain. I'll tell my former coworkers that I've kept in touch with: Lizzy, Gale, & Heather. I'll tell my knitting ladies. I'll tell XM since I feel like he should know. Other than that, I don't know who else would care or need to know, in terms of personal contacts.

You know, when I first kind of decided that this would be a good time to move back, I was getting really excited about the thought of it. But when I thought about not being able to go to the mountains anymore, it literally stopped me in my tracks and I started to cry. Every single time I think about it since then, I cry a little, as you heard on the phone. It's kind of funny, really, considering that I'm not really there that often. Last year, I only went once - with you. Even the year I went more than usual, for my own trips, I still only went three times. Maybe I'm just sad that I won't have "easy access" to it all any more.

So, if you haven't already guessed, I do plan to make one more trip out there, at some point. Not right away, since I'd at least want to wait for warmer weather, but sometime. Kind of a chance to soak it all in one more time and say good-bye. I mean, it's not like I can't ever go back, but who knows when I'd be able to?

There's really not a ton of things or even people that I'm going to miss once I leave here. Which I guess makes it easier, really.

Decision Made

For any of you who know me at all outside of this blog, I know I've already requested that everything here be kept secret, but let me reiterate that, especially in the case of this post.

I've decided for sure now that if/when this job ends, I'm moving back to the States. When I initially started thinking about this possibility, I found two cities that had a lot of what I was looking for in a place to live. I've been in enough different places that I have quite a few qualifications for where I want to live if I'm just choosing a place, like I am now. One city was more in the west and was the city that Mom and I flew in and out of when we made our trip over New Year's to see Tim and Ann, which means that I'd be about 4-5 hours from them, as well as some other family members in a couple other spots. The other city is more towards the east. It's about three hours south of Mom, Meat, and my hometown. I did a lot of thinking and praying and researching about these two cities.

I'm going east. I plan to move to Kentucky.

There were a few main things that prompted me to make that decision. One is that I would be closer to friends and family than I've been in a long time. As I said, Mom and Meat would be about three hours north of this city. I have an aunt and cousin that are about half way in between. And Jiffy lives a few hours west of this city. I really miss my two best friends and I want to be able to spend more time with them. I hate that their kids are growing up without even knowing me.

Even though I've drawn the line with Tim, I think being that close to him would be too tempting. Even though their home would be 4+ hours away, Tim is often on the road working and would regularly be closer to that city. It's a whole lot easier to do the right thing when the temptation is 2,000 miles away. I'd like to think that I would and could continue to do the right thing were I living in that city, but I also know myself (and Tim) well enough to know that that might not turn out to be true.

I spoke with Tim at one point last week and told him of my decision to live in KY instead of his state. I told him about wanting to be closer to people there, which didn't surprise him at all. But then I also told him that I thought it would be too tempting for both of us. He was disappointed, and said as much, but said that it was probably the right decision. He said that if I were living nearby it would be tempting and there's a good chance we'd get in trouble.

I didn't bother to tell Tim that the city in KY has a much better water quality and that there are many more doctors per person there than the western city. Something told me that he wouldn't care much about those factors.

Of course, this is all up in the air since I have no idea what's going to happen with my job here. Based a couple little things I've learned just in the last week or so, I have an even stronger feeling that my job here is going to end sometime in the next six months. At this point, I wouldn't be completely surprised if they closed this office entirely. So, my gut says that I'll be out of a job before long, but that's really just a big fat guess. I have no idea what's going to happen.

I do know that it finally feels like time to move on.

Feel the Burn

As I think I've mentioned before, I started taking a class at this conditioning place back in August. It was just once a week, and the class was sort of a boxing-themed class. I say boxing-themed because it was basically a circuit work-out and one or two of the stations were punching - either hitting the trainers hands while he wore mitts and/or punching a dummy. (We called the dummy Bob. Boxing Bob.) I really enjoyed this class, but sadly, it was canceled towards the end of the year because there weren't enough people showing up. This place is kind of small, not like a regular gym, so they only look to have 5 - 10 people in a class, and we weren't getting even that many.

Fortunately, they created a new class to take its place. This class was even going to be offered twice a week instead of just once. It was a Beginner HIIT class. (If you don't know what HIIT is, well, use Goggle.) This conditioning studio offers several regular HIIT classes, but I've known all along that I'm not up to that level, so I was really happy about this class, feeling like it would fit me better. It started at the beginning of the year and while it started off with several people, it didn't last long. I was showing up on both days that the class was offered and there were several times when I was the only one or there was only one other person.

It didn't take long for me to start getting concerned that this class was going to be canceled like the boxing class was. When I asked the class trainer about it last week, he said that it was likely going to get canceled. So the next day (just this past Thursday), I emailed the two owners, who are also trainers, about the class. I essentially said that I really liked the class and the studio, I didn't feel that I was up to the level of the regular HIIT class, and that if there was anything they could do to get more people in the Beginner class, I would really appreciate it. I even offered my help if they could think of any way I could help.

The reply I received a few hours later was basically said that the class is going to be canceled and that I should just join the regular HIIT class because the exercises can be scaled to fit whatever level people are on. There was more to the reply that didn't make sense to me and that I honestly think is just a bunch of BS.

I'm sad and I'm disappointed. I really liked going to this place even though it's completely out of the way for me. The atmosphere there is good. It feels like a community, and people are all supporting each other, which is tough to find at a regular gym. Even though I'm heavier and way more out of shape than just about everyone else there, I've never had anyone look at me like I'm gross or I don't belong. Truth is, trainers and other clients have always been really nice and welcoming. All except one of the owners... the same one who replied to my email. I don't know him much at all, and I definitely don't think he's a bad guy, but it seems like every time I'm around him, I get a more negative vibe from him. I think he's incredibly focused, but I'm started to wonder if his focus is a little off.

Anyway, my last class there is on Wednesday. I'm sad that I won't get to work with Steve any more. He's the only trainer I've ever worked with; I feel like we've developed a good rapport and that he's definitely helped me to at least get started on this journey. If I could afford to just see him as a personal trainer, I definitely would, but I don't have that kind of money. So I have to find somewhere else to go.

There's a new gym opening near me in the next few weeks. It's a Canadian chain. I belonged a gym (a different chain) for a couple years when I was still with XM. I started off well, being motivated and going at least a couple times a week. But, like so many people, that didn't last long. After this last experience, I've decided that I can't just belong to a gym. I need a class or a trainer or something else to keep me a little more accountable. So I'm hoping that this new gym will have a class or two that I'll like and can be a part of. The good news about having to find a new place is that it will be significantly closer and will very likely be cheaper than the conditioning studio that I'm about to leave.

Funny thing is, having to leave this place that I've really liked just seems like one more indicator that maybe my time in Edmonton should be ending...

Feed the good dog

Heard this a few days ago on a promo for a TV show:
Inside every person are two dogs, always fighting with each other.  One is good, one is evil.  You know which one wins?  The one you feed more.

Powerful little story, yes?  As you all know, ever since I came back from my trip, I've been really torn over my relationship with Tim.  Wanting to do the right thing, wanting to be involved with him.

I decided to feed the good dog.

Tim called tonight.  It's the first time in a week that I've heard from him.  We talked for a while about different things.  Then I told him the same little story I heard in the promo that I related above.  He really liked that story.  I told him that I wanted to feed the good dog.  I told him that, while none of us are perfect, there's nothing wrong with trying to better ourselves.  I'm always working on trying to be the person I want to be, the person I know I can and should be.  And that means that I don't want to be the other woman, the mistress.  I also don't want to help someone else be unfaithful to their wife.  I told him that, in the end, he and I both know better.

Tim, of course, agreed and was okay with it.  I mean, we've had this conversation before.  And we didn't cross any lines until we actually saw each other.  I don't know, maybe actually being around him will always provoke some temptation, at least as long as I'm single.  I love Tim and always will, although I've never been IN love with him.  I still feel very strongly that I want to keep him in my life.  I feel incredibly comfortable with him and we have great conversations.  Our cover story was always going to be that he was playing a father figure role in my life, and I'd kind of like that to be true.  I can imagine having a potential new husband and taking him out to see Tim & his family, let him and his sons give him a bit of a hard time.  See if this possible mate can pass muster, you know?  :-)

Anyway, I consider Tim to be a really good friend.  I don't want to lose my relationship with him, but I really have to do the right thing as much as I can.  Gotta feed the good dog.

Incredibly Awkward Moment of the Day

One of my coworkers, Angie, had a problem with her computer today and it wasn't something that we could fix ourselves. Our company has a third party IT company (which mainly seems to be one guy) that handles all the computer stuff that we can't. So my coworker submitted an email request this morning when she discovered the problem and the IT guy, Paul, called this afternoon to sort it out. He spoke with Angie for a little while, but shortly after he hung up with her, he called me. He needed some info, like our IP address, in order to finish fixing Angie's computer.

Now, in my time here, we've had repeated issued with one of our printers not connecting or cooperating with our server, so I've had multiple conversations with Paul in the past. As a result, he and I have a bit of a rapport and have joked around with each other some before. He's also given me many instructions in the process of getting these various issues sorted out.

Today, part way through our conversation, I was saving a file on my desktop but Paul was talking about using it on Angie's computer.

Suzy: Paul, maybe I'm an idiot, but how does saving this file on my desktop help with Angie's computer?

Paul: Sorry, I didn't explain. Once it finishes on your computer, you'll transfer to Angie's and install in there.

Suzy: Oh! OK, now I've got it.

Paul: (chuckling) I usually just tell you what to do and you do it. I'm not used to dealing with such an obedient woman.

Suzy: Well, I'm unusual that way.

*crickets chirping*

Suzy: So... uh... when this finishes downloading, I'll save it to my USB key?

I have never been so thankful that someone couldn't see me blushing over the phone.

Man vs Self

Since coming back from my trip over New Year's, I've been doing more thinking about moving back to the States. Now, there's a lot of things that would have to fall into place for that to happen, so don't get too worked up about it. It's just more on my mind, and maybe more of a possibility, than it used to be.

Ever since XM and I split up, I'm always considering where I would move to if I did move back to the States. I'm always looking around when I go places to see if it's a place I'd want to live. I've lived enough different places that I've got quite a list of what I want and I what I don't in whatever place I live. Population, weather, proximity to family, even time zone are all things that I take into account.

So when I was on vacation, I was paying at least vague attention to the places we went, mainly the city that Mom and I flew in and out of. I think I could see myself living there. There's maybe only one or two other cities that I think would fit the bill, so that's kind of a big deal.

I talked to Tim a couple days ago and told him what I was thinking about. Part of what would affect my decision is if he didn't want me to live there. I specifically asked if he thought it would be too hard, too tempting, or if I'd be putting him in a bad spot if I were to live in that city. He said no, and that he'd love it if I were there. He basically said that things tend to happen between he and I, and he'd be open to that if I lived there as long as I wanted it too.

Oy.

I spend hours every day debating with myself about all of this. I'm not exaggerating. I am so torn between possibly living in a city that has so much of what I want, and knowing that I am maybe putting myself and someone else in a very risky situation. Tim has always told me - and I firmly believe him - that if I ever said "no" about anything, then that's that. We'd just be friends, part of the same extended family, and that's all. In fact, he repeated that when we spoke the other day. So I know that if the situation ever got to be too much, I could stop it at any time.

But what if I can't make myself say no? And what if we wreck his marriage and all of our family in the process?

I had a thought yesterday. All this time, I've always thought of myself as a "good girl." But what if I'm really not? What if it's just been fear and/or a lack of opportunity that's kept me from doing things I shouldn't? What if, right now, I'm proving what kind of person I am by making the wrong choice, with my eyes wide open?

Let me give you an example. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24. Good girl, right? Except that in all the time leading up to that, there was only one other guy who even tried to have sex with me. It's not hard to withstand one guy that you're not even attracted to. So, again, was it me being good, or just a lack of opportunity?

I really and truly have no idea what I'm going to do or what will happen next.

Missing submission

I don't know how many of you watch, or even have the option to watch, the OWN network. I do, and there's a few shows that I quite like. One of them is "Our America" with Lisa Ling. She explores different groups or aspects of people's lives that maybe the majority of us don't know much about. For example, she did a show on nuns in America, and another one about veterens struggling with adapting back to life after the military. I find that these shows are always interesting and she presents different sides without pushing a side or agenda.

The latest show dealt with BDSM. I think I've mentioned before on this blog, but perhaps not, so let me say quite clearly - pain in any significant form is not a turn on for me. I like a little smack on the ass, a little hair pulling, etc. But I don't want to be flat out whipped. I don't want a bunch of bruises. I got a few scratches from XM on occasion, and that was hot, but the scratches weren't deep enough to draw blood or anything.

Anyway, watching this episode of "Our America" made me realize how long it's been since I've had... well, almost anything. But mainly, just how long it's been since I've been in a position where I could submit. Someone once told me that they didn't think I was really a sub and that I shouldn't try to be one. I thought they were wrong then, and I feel it again now. Maybe I'm not an extreme submissive, but I do think that it's part of me. I think I will always be drawn to men who (respectfully) take control. And realizing how long it's been since I've been able to experience that just made me ache for it. I really miss submitting.

I don't know how long it will be before I'm able to do it again. Even if I met the right man tomorrow, it still takes some real time to get to that point. But I definitely want it again, whether it's spelled out or if it's just the nature of our relationship. Someday, I want to be able to submit again.