Back to where we started
I keep intending to blog, but - obviously - haven't gotten to it. The main reason is that I don't know what to write. A lot has happened with Lover in the last few months, although the funny thing is, we seem to have ended up back where we started.
Lover's marriage has nearly ended a couple times since I last wrote, then they started trying to make it work. His wife and kids have now been in town for the last month, which means he and I haven't spent any time together outside of work. He says things are going pretty well between them (which you wouldn't guess by the way he makes out with me every day at work), but I still question their marriage. She doesn't trust him and never has. As a result, he lies to her so that there aren't confrontations about the stupid crap that she gets mad about.
Anyway, the fact that their marriage came so close to ending made me start thinking more about maybe he and I actually having a relationship. That's not to say that I hadn't thought about it before, but this made it more of a real possibility. Then when things start going better between them, it was a real blow. It's funny; I've tried to end things with Lover over and over and over again. I'll be so determined and I feel completely strong in ending it... then I'm around him and I can never stick with it. It's ridiculous. But as a result, there's been a lot of ups and downs. It was getting to the point where I was actually anxious going to work every day because I didn't know how it would be between us, how things were going in his marriage, how well I could handle it all.
So I finally said to him a few weeks ago that I just wanted to go back to how it was before, when it was just a friends with benefits thing. Lover, of course, was fine with that. Not that we've been able to do much, with his family in town and all. So here we are, back to where we started, carrying on until his family moves up here for good.
The thing that upsets me now is that I have serious doubts that we'll be able to maintain our friendship once his family is here. He says we definitely will, but as jealous and possessive and distrusting as his wife is, I just don't see how we can. I mean, I guess we can be friends at work only, but that's not a true friendship. At least not to me. And as much as I like Lover, even just as my friend, that really makes me sad.
In other news, Brother and his GF are now married!! I now officially have a sister-in-law!! So, in terms of this blog, BGF is now SIL. Ha! I'm really happy for them, and I'm happy that I like her and we get along quite well. It was a very small, simple ceremony on a weekday afternoon with just a little family. They plan on having a reception in the fall, which is when they'll invite everyone else to celebrate.
Now, here's hoping it's not another three months before I blog again!