Friday, March 24, 2006

Mourning the Mourning Dove

I got home from work and sat down at my puter to talk to Master online while He was still at work. I saw one of the guys that lives above me - the dumber one - come home with a friend. A bit later I heard one of them go out onto their balcony and shoot something that sounds like a paintball gun, which I've seen them use before. I heard the guy laugh, like he'd done something cool that he was proud of. I turned to see if I could tell where they were shooting and as I did, I thought I saw something falling from the tree next to our balconies. I wasn't sure I actually saw something fall, but I got up to look out my bedroom window, where I'd be able to see better. I didn't see anything on the ground. I went out onto my baclony (the wanker was back inside by this time) and that's when I saw it. One of our resident mourning doves on the ground, obviously dead, like he'd landed on his head.

My heart sank. I came back inside and wept like someone had run over my puppy. I loved these mourning doves! It was a pair of them that would be around, in the tree and such. Sometimes they would come hang out on my balcony railing, even long before I was ever putting peanuts out. I loved the sound they made. I even told Master one time that they made me think of us: a pair, always together, and they were right there outside my door. I think that's part of why this upsets me so much.

I was telling this to Master and debating if I should do anything about it. Since I wasn't sure that I'd actually seen the dove fall from the tree, I couldn't be sure that the idiot had actually shot it, so I didn't want to go around accusing someone of a hunch. But right about that time, the two guys left again, and when they went out to their car, they went over to the bird and laughed and rolled it a little with their shoes. Now I knew for sure and I was pissed.

I immediately called our apartment management office. It was after 6, so I didn't think I'd actually reach anyone. Thankfully, I did. And thankfully, he at least sounded like he was taking me seriously. He asked which apt. it was and what kind of bird it was and said he'd take care of it from there. I don't know if anything will actually come of it. I'd love to see these guys get fined or something, but if nothing else, maybe they'll at least know that they can't just go around shooting animals for no reason.

I'm also worried about my squirrel now. I haven't seen him in over a week. If they did something bad to him... then I'm really going to be pissed. The gloves will come off then.

So here I sit, crying again, feeling sorry for the surviving dove of the pair, mourning the dead mourning dove.

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Tomorrow!

To quote Annie: Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow. You're only a day away!!!!

I had to keep reminding myself this morning that I did, in fact, have to come to work today. I kept wanting to drive to the airport instead. I'm so excited! I'm going to have a really hard time concentrating today.

Since Master does arrive tomorrow, and also since I've been having some internet issues at home, I don't know that I'll be blogging much, if at all, in the next week. So everyone take care and rest assured that I'm being filled with... um, joy. And maybe a couple other things. :)

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Rebellion of the Buttons

I think the buttons on my work pants are all rebelling. Most of my work pants (nicer slacks as opposed to jeans) are the style where there's a button inside, then the two hooks on the outside to fasten my pants closed. This past Friday, I was putting on a pair of pants to go to work and the button came off. Since I was already running late, I didn't bother to change, and the hooks did fine for the day. Yesterday I wore a pair of black pants and while at work yesterday afternoon, the button came off! Now, both of these pairs of pants I've had for a year or so, so I can handle the buttons coming off. But the pair I'm wearing today I've only had a couple months and the button is already loose. Is it possible that these buttons are communicating in my closet and have decided to stage a rebellion?

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Quatro Dias Mas

These next four days just can't go fast enough!! I can't wait to see my Master, to feel His arms around me, see Him smiling at me. :) He and I had kind of an intense phone call last night. I won't bother going into details, but... there was an issue we had to discuss. I think it was something that was sort of festering in the back of my mind for a little while even though I didn't want to bring it up. I cried a lot. But in the end, last night just confirms what I need to do. I always have to tell Master everything, I have to trust and believe Him always, and I have to obey Him. Discussions like the one last night can be difficult, but they only serve to deepen our relationship, which ultimately makes both of us feel better.

As it turns out, my friend Steve got his weeks mixed up and he's not actually on '24' until next week. That's actually better since that way I'll get to watch it at my mom's house with Master and my mom. And since my mom knew Steve too, what with us being fairly good friends and all, I know she's excited about watching it too!

My hands are so dang cold here today that I swear they're just white half the time.

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Monday, March 20, 2006

More Monday

I hate money. I hate checks. I hate banks. I hate insurance companies. (Yes, I know that I work in insurance, but at least I won't work for an actual insurance company.) That being said, I am thankful to have health insurance. If I didn't, I'd sure be up a creek, screwed, in big trouble, and out of luck. When I think about my insulin, pills, diabetic testing supplies... ouch. One of the drugs I take is to help prevent insulin resistance. A month's supply, 30 pills, without insurance would cost me about $200. As much as I hate my health insurance program right now, I am thankful for it.

I rented a couple movies over the weekend. One of them was Sling Blade, which I'd been meaning to watch for ages. It was very interesting and Billy Bob Thornton really didn't look like himself. I actually cried at one point because something about the way he spoke - I think maybe just some of the words he used, like "reckon" - remind me so much of my granddad in Texas. That said, Billy Bob's character and my grandad are nothing alike!!

The other movie I rented was In Her Shoes. It was a sweet, funny, touching movie. I really liked it. I really liked the poem that was read at the wedding scene. It made me cry (ok, yes, i'm a sap!) and think of Master. So, for those who haven't seen the movie...


e.e. cummings - i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

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Monday the 20th

I have a headache. It's a lovely sinus headache from my apt. getting too dry because I haven't been running my humidifier because I need a new filter. I took a DayQuil this morning, so hopefully that will help. Sometimes I just hate my head.

One of my good friends from high school is going to be on the show '24' tonight. I'm excited about getting to watch him. He plays a terrorist with nerve gas. He's also been working on a couple short films, which you can see more about by clicking the lovely link to the right that will take you to the hell you say.net.
----------------------->>>

Thankfully, my period finally started this morning, so it won't overlap with most of Master's visit. It should've started sooner, that stupid %#&*!$^@ period.


As of about 4 PM:
A little update: my head is better and I feel more like myself. Yea! :)

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

One Week!

Master will be here in exactly one week!! I can't wait!! I got so wound up when I was leaving work yesterday, thinking about how next Friday I'll be so ready to go pick Him up and spend a week with Him!! I'm looking forward to going to my mom's for a couple days so they can meet, and I'm looking forward to us going out to lunch with Meat while we're there. I can't believe I haven't been there since the beginning of June!

One frickin' week!!! :)

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Beware the Ides of March

(This is a day late.)

I'll never forget that March 15th is the Ides of March, even if I can't remember for sure where that comes from. Julius Caesar, I think. (My English teacher would be so proud. lol) My junior year high school term paper was due that day. At that time, our high school was known for it's brutal junior term papers. (The two main teachers who drove that fact have now retired, so it's more like a normal term paper now.) It was a combination of both our history and English classes. Mine had to do with settlers on the Great Plains, using a couple books by Willa Cather. My Antonia was my favourite, and I recently bought myself a copy because I did actually like it, even if I hated the term paper. My term paper ended up being 33 pages, and among our advanced English class, mine was one of the shortest! I actually had a woman at our church tell me that her Master's thesis was shorter than that. lol

Because of that year in high school, I will always remember the Ides of March.

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Have a Day

I knew someone way back in the day that had a T-shirt with what would be one of those yellow smiley faces on it, only instead of a smile, the mouth went straight across and underneath it read "Have a Day." It was great.

That's today for me. Not a bad day, really, but not a good one either. I was bored at work because I didn't have enough to do. I didn't want to ask for more because, one, I'm not sure that there is more right now, and two, I know it'll get busier as it goes. And now tonight I'm just cranky. I can tell by my moodiness, the way my face is breaking out a bit, and, well, the calendar (yes, I still have one!) that I'm PMS'ing. I even got cranky with Master tonight. I had to remind myself that He's in charge and it was my choice to submit to Him. Funny, sometimes I'm more strict on myself than He is of me in that regard.

Oh, and Happy Pi Day everyone.

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Monday, March 13, 2006

Creaky Window

It's really windy here today and it's making me a wee bit nervous. What with being on the 14th floor and not having anything around to block the wind, it's blowing hard enough that it's making the window behind me creak and make noises like it's straining against the wind. Eek! This is a very nice building and I'm sure that nothing's actually going to happen, but it still makes me a wee bit nervous.

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Sunday, March 12, 2006

A Little More

In a way of a little more explanation about a D/s relationship, I wanted to re-post a link to an essay about Masters and slaves. I had originally posted this back in January, but it seems appropriate to do so again now. I think it's a really good essay, and one that is frank and descriptive.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006

Two Weeks!!

Master will be here in two weeks!! I'll finally get laid again in two weeks!! ;)

I've been thinking about how I can explain more about the relationship that Master and I have so that people who don't really know anything about Dom/sub relationships can understand. I'm still not sure that I've really come up with a good way to do that, but I feel like I need to try. I'm sure I'll have to come back and edit or add comments later.

I want to start by saying that not all D/s relationships are about pain, cruelty, torture, and meaningless punishment. Not all Owners treat their submissives as just cheap objects. It seems like the images and stories that are around for public consumption are of those kinds of D/s relationships.

Master is my best friend and my lover. My submission to him is not out of fear or weakness, it is a choice. It's something that takes time. My submitting to him requires trust that goes so much deeper than most relationships. I have to trust that no matter what decision he makes for me or us, it is for the best, knowing that he always has my best intrest at heart and in mind. My submission allows me to give up worries and stresses knowing that he is in charge and will take care of me. He always tells me that I am his most prized possession, and kind of owner doesn't take incredible care of his most prized possession?

My vow to him is that I will always tell him everything and obey his commands. By telling him everything, he can make sure to take care of me completely, he's able to remove any worries and fears that I might have. I obey his commands, again, knowing that whatever he commands me to do, he does with my and our best interests in mind.

I find a certain... contentment in knowing that my one real purpose in life is to serve and please him. I find such safety in knowing that he knows everything about me and - still - loves me completely. There's such an incredible safety in being completely vulnerable with someone and know that they'll care for and protect you. I don't have a reason to ever hide anything from him. I don't ever have to be worried that he'll stop loving me or change his mind about me.

I love him so much. When he looks at me, I feel beautiful. I feel like he sees the real me, like he sees the me without the extra weight. I feel like he sees into me. He loves things about me that I didn't think anyone ever would. He makes me feel so incredibly special. I love that he'll give me a massage with lotion, that he'll caress my face so softly so I can fall asleep, that he'll comb my hair as a way to take care of me. Those things make me feel so special and cared for.

I've kind of been rambling, but I hope this explains at least a little. People are welcome to ask questions. Maybe that will all make me sound a little less freaky! :)

I love You, Master. I can't wait to see You in 14 freakin' days!! :)

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Friday, March 10, 2006

Missing

I really miss open roads. And being far enough away from big civilization to really see a sky full of stars. I'm just not a big city girl.

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Found This

UpNorthGirl

I stumbled across this blog today, which is mostly just beautiful photos. Thought I'd share my find. :)

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I swear I have a calendar Part 2

I get to work this morning and open up the tracking log that I've set up to track what I do for the states that I'm responsible for. We just started this yesterday, so it's mostly empty and what has been input is only from yesterday, March 9th. I go to input something first thing this morning and I notice that the date I used for all of my entries yesterday was... March 8th! Easy mistake to make, right? What's funny about this is that when I first started working here I specifically asked for a calendar to hang in my cube, which I now have and is hanging about a foot from my right elbow. Am I just a freak of nature or what? lol

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Thursday, March 09, 2006

Today

Things are really picking up at work now. Not only have Sally and I gotten trained, but Lori's getting organized enough that she can really start handing things off to us. It was so great today to really feel productive! Lori has started selling jewelry as kind of a side business and is throwing a kicking off party tomorrow night. She invited me and I don't know who else from work. I was really debating as to whether or not to go, and was leaning towards not going. But today I changed my mind and decided that I would go. I already told Lori that I wasn't going to buy anything because of still recovering from not being steadily employed there for a bit, which she undertands. She said from the start that, if nothing else, it would be a chance for me to just get out and have fun. Which is true. I've been such a hermit since I moved here.

I'm getting my hair trimmed on Saturday. Yea! It's getting shaggy and in my face, and this way it'll look good when Master gets here without having that "I just got my hair cut" look.

I just looked back at what I've typed here so far and notice that there's not really much point to any of this except to just ramble on a bit, so I'll stop now and go to bed.

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I swear I have a calendar

I just realized that my previous title makes absolutely no sense. Oops.

Sally and I finally got trained at work today, so we're actually starting to do the real work that we were hired to do! It was nice to feel productive again.

Master comes in 18 days!! :)

I also realized tonight that I'd put the setting for moderating comments to "On" so that none of the comments were showing because I hadn't approved them. Oops! So, I've changed the setting so that's not an issue any more. Sorry to those of you that commented and I never realized or responded!

I am the biggest dork ever tonight!! lol

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Monday, March 06, 2006

Tuesday the 5th

It snowed a wee bit today, not even enough to stick. Somehow I thought that watching it snow from the 14th floor would be different. It wasn't. You just don't see it land.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever reads this blog besides Master. I mean, not that it's necessarily for other people, but it'd be nice to get some feedback or something. Maybe I shouldn't expect things. I was talking to Kip (see the link to his blog on the right!) a couple weeks ago. He's one of my "online" friends that I've known for a couple years, I'd guess, but I've never met in person. Anyway, he said he'd come across my blog once just perusing through random blogs and thought I was a freak! lol Just goes to show you, you can't judge a book - or a blog - by its cover!! ;)

I like to look through random blogs sometimes. That "Next Blog" button up there can be kinda fun! So, if I happen to come across your blog and I say hi, don't be afraid. I'm not that scary! :)

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Sunday Stuff

I love listening to Salma Hayek speak. I want to be her when I grow up. Or Faith Hill.

We got a couple inches of snow today, which was nice. It's been such a mild winter, we haven't had much snow, and even this won't stick around long since it'll be warmer this week. I didn't have to go anywhere, so I could just stay in and watch it fall. :)

Master will be here in three weeks!! THREE WEEKS!!

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Saturday, March 04, 2006

Grieving



I try not to think about it, about him, too much. But it seems like lately I can't escape it. I had to put my cat, my baby, to sleep at the end of October. I'd had Elmo for over 12 years. He was the best cat. I even had friends that didn't normally like cats that liked him. And even Master, who really isn't a fan of cats and hasn't had good experiences with them, got along with Mo. I still miss him so much. It seemed like it got better for a while, but somehow it's coming back. Random times I'll just think of him for some reason and start crying. I'm even crying now.

He and I were kind of a pair, especially after he moved here with me and it was really just the two of us. I just miss him so much. I didn't expect it to hurt this much. It didn't when my first cat died, but maybe I just wasn't nearly as attached to her. I miss curling up with Mo while watching TV or him jumping up on the bed to curl up with me if I was trying to take a nap. I miss how fanatical he was about water, how he'd be waiting for be to get out of the shower so he could jump in and drink from the faucet! I miss his precious, precious face. I can still remember my last morning with him, before I had to take him to the vet, sitting on the couch and calling to him. He was maybe only 6 or 7 feet away, but by that time he was blind and couldn't see where I was, he could only hear the sound of my voice. It took him probably 10 minutes, but he kept following the sound of my voice and put his cute little front paws up on my leg, his sightless eyes looking up at me. My sweet baby. I miss him so much I can't even describe the pain.

I love you and miss you, my baby Mo.

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Friday, March 03, 2006

Random Friday Thoughts

I was reading someone else's blog the other day, and she posed the question "why do you blog?" At first my answer was kind of standard, I think. I blog to journal my life and get thoughts out of my head. But I've been watching 20/20 tonight, and it's a show about secrets. And it occurred to me that I blog because this big part of my life is completely a secret, and this is the one relatively safe way I can share it! My friends and family know about Master, but they just know Him as my boyfriend, plain and simple. No one knows the true nature of our relationship. It's such an incredible thing, and when something amazing in life happens, you want to share it, right? I can't. Not truly. This allows me to do that! Maybe more than anything, that's the real answer as to why I blog. :)

Now on to other things...

I've known for a long time that I'm amused by little things. In the last two weeks, I've gotten a new one! With my job now, working on the 14th floor, I take the elevator up and down every day, and this building has two banks of elevators. The ones I take only service floors 13-25, so it's considered "express" since they skip the bottom floors. What I get a kick out of is the fact that every time I take the elvator down - I haven't noticed it going up - as I get to the bottom, I can actually feel in my ears how the air pressure's changed!! It's like when you're on a plane and you have to swallow or yawn to make your ears pop. I know, I'm a dork. I just get a kick out of the fact that my ears have to pop just going home from work! lol

My squirrel is still around, although I don't get to see him as much since I'm not home all day now. I've noticed the last few weeks that he has a patch on his back that's gone bare. Now, there could be any number of reasons for this, like fleas or something. But it occurred to me that it only appeared after the day when he was fighting the other squirrels on my balcony. I stared thinking today that maybe he got his bald patch from fighting with other squirrels. And then I started envisioning a squirrel version of Fight Club. "What happens in Squirrel Fight Club, stays in Squirrel Fight Club." Oh my gosh, the things that go on in my mind!!

Oh, and I like colors. Or, colours, when I'm with Master. ;)

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Thursday, March 02, 2006

A little update:

It's still cloudy, but not as much so. Now I can see the tall buildings in Schaumburg again.

I'm not feeling quite as blah now. My headache is gone, although my eyes are really dry today. I'm feeling my regular energy instead of this morning's blah. I think it helps that I finished the rather tedious project I was working on yesterday afternoon and this morning and have been able to move on to something else.

Master, i love You. thank You for making me Yours. :)

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Blah

I'm feeling very blah today. I woke up with a bit of a sinus headache, for one thing, which is going away since I took a Day-Quil. But I still feel kind of tired or run-down or something. It doesn't help that it's really gray and cloudy outside, although it does change the view from here on the 14th floor. (Yes, I'm blogging at work. Don't tell!) But the worst of it is how much I miss my Master this morning. Horribly. Like the want to crawl under the covers and curl into the fetal position kind of missing Him. Like I want to cry. Like the reason I feel so blah today is because my life and my heart aren't even here any more, they're in Edmonton. It all just makes me very blah. And feeling this blah doesn't make me feel a whole lot like working and being productive. I guess it doesn't help that Lori decided to take the day off, so I feel like I have a little more leeway. I probably shouldn't feel that way. So, I'm going to take my blah self and try to work.

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