Monday, June 19, 2006

Living in Sin

Game 7 of the Stanley Cup just started. Go Oilers!!

Yesterday when I was talking to Mom, she was telling me about one of the ladies at church that was asking how I was doing and if I still had all my plans to move to Edmonton. Then the lady launched into a whole thing about how she hopes I don't move in with Master since we're not getting married right now and how I've always been a good example, so on and so forth. This lady has known me since I was 10 and I like her. I know she means well, and I know she's just saying what a lot of people there are thinking. I know that she loves me and cares about me and just wants the best for me, so it doesn't bother me that she's telling my mom this. I've told my mom that it's possible that I'd be moving in with Master because it's entirely possible, and actually pretty likely, that I won't have a job when I get there. But I've never said for sure one way or the other... even if I already knew.

So yesterday afternoon my mom tells me all this, but doesn't really ask and I don't really say anything. But after we hung up I decided to send her an email. I flat out told her that I'm moving in with Master when I get there. Yes, part of it is practical, because I likely won't have a job, but more than that, I won't have an SIN (like an American SSN), so I won't be able to fill out an apt. application or even open a bank account. I also told her that there was more to it than just the practical reasons, but I didn't really go into that because I'm not sure she'd want to know. I knew she wouldn't get it til today, since I had to email her at work. (Because she still doesn't have email at home.) I got a reply this afternoon while I was at work. She didn't say much, which isn't unusual. She wants me to make sure I'm doing the right thing. She did ask if I get a job and my SIN, whether or not I'm going to move out. She wants to make sure I'm not going to be "stuck." I replied and told her that I'm not going to move out even once I have a job and my SIN, that there's more to it than just the financial reasons. I told her that I know it's not what everyone wants for me, but I can't live my life based on what everyone else wants, that I just have to do the best I can for me. And I told her that I'm not the least bit worried about being stuck.

I didn't hear back after that. She may have already gone home, or maybe she just doesn't have anything to say in response. At least now she knows for sure and I don't have to keep skirting the issue.

Part II:
I got another email from Mom this morning. This time she had a lot more to say. She told me she cried in the shower last night, which making me struggle not to cry at work now. I hate knowing I'm hurting her and disappointing her. She asked if it would make a difference if she sent me money for a deposit and first month's rent for an apt. in Edmonton. She went on to say a whole lot more, including quoting scripture, but I won't bother trying to repeat it. I guess I don't know how to tell her that things are just different for me now. I just don't want to struggle any more. I can't, I just don't have it in me any more. Struggling for her approval, struggling to be the good example, struggling to survive on my own. I played by the rules for a long time and it left me broke, lonely, and depressed. I have to take a different path.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Prismiad said...

I'm so proud of my baby girl, showing how strong she has become, I wasn't sure she would ever be able to do that and feel good about it. :)

No more talk of the Stanley Cup now.

June 19, 2006 11:18 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

It's good to get things out in the open, as difficult as it can be to do.

Good for you. I'm sure your mom will come around and understand that this is your life to live. I hope so at least.

June 20, 2006 5:11 PM  
Blogger dirk.mancuso said...

I understand the feeling of being judged...by family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances...and if what you are doing feels right in your heart and makes you happy, then I say good for you.

I know it's hard, but it is your life. You can't live it for everyone else (something I am sadly just learning at this late date...)

Best wishes to you and Master, Suzy.

I look forward to reading about your adventures for a long time to come.

June 21, 2006 1:58 PM  
Blogger Saddle Up said...

Gah...

It is your life and it is important to make sure that you follow your heart. You may make mistakes but they are your mistakes to make.

Your mum is just worried - it's her job after all.

June 21, 2006 2:31 PM  

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