Saturday, November 29, 2008

Computer

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little.

-- Joe Martin, Porterfield

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Identity Change

I'm taking the day off of work tomorrow. Yea! The thing that prompted this is that I have to go to a government office to officially change my last name from my maiden name to my married name for my Social Insurance Number. I've still been using my maiden name because I'm afraid I would be easily confused. Yeah, you read that right. lol

See, last year when I moved here and applied to become a permanent resident, the application states that you have to use the exact same name as is on your passport, and, of course, my passport had my maiden name on it. Now, when I went to get my SIN and sign up for Alberta Health Care and all the other stuff, I probably could've used my married name, but I didn't really feel like having my passport and Permanent Resident card in my maiden name and everything else under my married name. So, now that I've renewed my passport and it's in my married name, I can now start knocking down all the other dominoes in this name-changing row.

Most of the name changing stuff can be done by mail or fax with an application and paperwork. My driver's license has to be renewed in the spring, so I'll just change that one then. My SIN could technically be changed by mail, but they don't recommend it. And, of course, the office is only open on weekdays when I'd be at work. So, a vacation day it is! That's okay, I have a few extra days and it'll be nice to have a day off in the middle of the week.

For those of you in the States - which I think is most of the people who read me - have a Happy Thanksgiving! Yesterday I asked Boss Paul if we were going to get Thursday off for Thanksgiving. Not surprisingly, he said no. So I'll be ungratefully back here at work while you all are giving thanks. Enjoy! :)

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Saturday, November 22, 2008

No wonder we can't communicate

Scene: morning, the couple has recently awoken, and the woman is just coming back from the bathroom...

Suzy: How's Master?

Master: Uh-huh

Suzy: What?

Master: Huh?

Suzy: I said, how's Master?

Master: Oh! I thought you said, "I have a question."

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Slacker

I went to the gym last night. I can feel it a little bit today. I'm trying to get back in the habit of going to the gym at least twice a week. I was really good about it last spring, and then I slacked off around the beginning/middle of the summer. Then, the first weekend of August, I decided was going to be motivated and work on getting in better shape again. That Friday night I went to the gym. Saturday night Master and I went to Elk Island to walk... and I twisted my ankle. So I was completely out of commission for a while as that healed. And then once I felt like I could do some exercise on it, it was still nice enough outside that I didn't want to be inside at the gym - knowing that winter was coming. So I'd go walk at Elk Island, usually just once over the weekend. But that's just not enough. I was walking slower, because of my ankle and because I have to watch where I'm going, which I don't have to do on an exercise machine.

Anyway, I'm trying to get back into it again now. I feel like I'm almost starting from scratch. The progress I'd made with getting in better shape has been lost. It sucks. But at least I know it'll improve. You know, as long as I don't turn into a big slacker again.

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Monday, November 17, 2008

If you can't stand the heat...

Master and I went to his parents' house yesterday afternoon with John and Ricky. (Alice was working.) We were there for a bit and then went with my MIL to Costco so Master could pick out some new glasses. I'm excited about him getting new glasses! The ones he has now are older than he'd probably like me to tell... but I think he's had them for close to 20 years. He tried to get a new pair several years ago, but whatever place he went to for the glasses could never get them right, so he ended up just sticking with his old ones. And until recently, he couldn't really afford new glasses anyway. You know, since his ex-wife was crap and now he has a wife who actually knows how to work for a living! And not only that, my job has nice benefits which will help pay for the glasses! Anyway, he'll have them in a couple weeks, so I'm excited about it. I think Master's a little too wary to be excited. lol

After wandering around Costco for a while, we headed back to the house and my MIL started cooking dinner. She was making chicken. But apparently she made it a little too much. See, my in-laws have an alarm system for their house, which was recently updated or upgraded or something. It now includes a fire/smoke alarm. So when things got cooked a little too much and the house got smoky... the fire alarm went off. Master's dad said to wait and the alarm company would call in a few minutes, but MIL didn't want to wait and instead looked up the number and called them. That was a mistake. They don't have call-waiting. So when the alarm company did try to call, all they got was a busy signal. So they sent the fire department!

My MIL freaked when she heard the sirens. Now, Master had told me before about how she'll freak out over a bee, so I had a feeling that maybe she doesn't always keep her cool about things that aren't that big of a deal, but this was the first time I'd seen it for myself. It wasn't so much that she was making a lot of noise or anything, it was just her facial expression. I told Master last night after we got home that she looked like a Jew and the Nazis had just pulled up in front of her house. She said "OH!" and covered her mouth, and then said, "What are we going to do?" We all said, "We'll just tell them that everything is fine." She went outside to tell the firemen that and I told Master to go out with her. It just didn't seem like a good idea to have her talk to the firemen alone if she's frazzled. However, the firemen said that they still needed to check it out to be sure. So these two big firemen (they were both so tall) came in the house and walked through the living room to make sure the kitchen wasn't on fire. (There's me, just hanging out at the kitchen table. lol) The main guy said it was no big deal and it happens all the time and that once they're dispatched, there's no stopping them. He was really quite nice and friendly about it. And then the three fire trucks left.

My MIL was mortified. The rest of us thought it was pretty funny. Master texted Alice and told her to call her grandma to ask about it. Then he said later after we got home that he's going to buy his mom a fire truck for Christmas. Master and his brother were giving her a pretty hard time about it. I couldn't believe how embarassed and worked up she was about it. I kept trying to tell her that it really wasn't a big deal and it happened all the time when I lived in my apt. in Chicago. I probably should've made the point that it would happen more often, but that a lot of people don't have alarm systems like that in their homes - but that point didn't occur to me until later.

Anyway, it all made for a much more interesting time at my in-laws than what we normally have! And I think John and especially Ricky got a real kick out of seeing the big fire trucks and the firemen coming in the house with all their gear. Ah, good times! :)

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Friday, November 14, 2008

Struggle

There is something I struggle with. Being owned and all, I am Master's, completely. So, if he wants to have sex with me, unless there's a good reason for me not to, we're going to have sex. Now, on the one hand, I love that fact. I love the feeling of being used for his pleasure. I love giving him that pleasure and satisfaction. On the other hand, there are times when I feel like "what about me?"

Let me give an example from last night. I was at my computer doing a little something when Master came up behind me and started playing with my hair, running his fingers through it and such. Mmmmm... I think my eyes were rolling back in my head a little and I got those wonderful little tingles down my spine. He did that for a while and I felt like I could've spent the rest of the night like that. When I was finished with what I was doing, Master had me get up from the puter and undress. He started just touching and caressing me. I was so relaxed and tingly - it was awesome! Then he had me get on the bed and "present" to him so he could fuck me, which he did. And that was it.

In the end, I guess I was just disappointed. I was hoping to spend the rest of the night in that relaxed, tingly, zoned-out state, soaking up Master's attention and affection. And as much as I love pleasing Master... I guess it just felt like the other stuff was just buttering me up so he could fuck me. Because there wasn't any more of it after he was finished.

So this is my struggle. How do I submit to him to where him truly using me, fucking me when and how he wants, doesn't ever leave me feeling like I'm getting shafted... in the bad way?

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Wild Animal Sex

Bet that title got your attention, eh? I found an article that was kind of amusing and thought I'd share.

Of mice and men: 10 sex lessons from the wild

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

First snow

This is what we woke up to this morning...





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Sunday, November 09, 2008

Some Pictures

I went to Elk Island for a little bit yesterday. Master had agreed to work, so I had my own time, and it's pretty much useless to go during the week since it's pretty much dark by about 5:30. There's nothing super exciting in these pictures, but I thought I'd post them anyway.








I found this picture amusing because of the bison and all the bison poop, and then the playground in the background! I will say, though, that I've only started seeing bison right there by the playgound now that it's fall and cooler. John and Ricky actually played on the playground our very first trip out there, and there were no bison around and not that much poop.

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Friday, November 07, 2008

500

This is my 500th post! Who knew I had that much to say? lol

Last night Master and I attended his company Christmas party. Yes, on November 6th. He works for a very small business, and apparently his boss bought a table at some fundraiser thing. It was for the Centre for Spiritual Learning, or something like that. I guess his boss thought it'd be a fun way to have a gathering, although the event itself had nothing to do with Christmas. Anyway, it was supposed to start at 6, but Master and I didn't get there until 6:30. See, I work on the south side of Edmonton. When I left work at 5 (or, actually 4:55, because I can) I had to drive to the NE side to where we live. I had to change and get ready. Then we had to drive to this little town just outside of Edmonton on the NW side to where the event was. Yeah, like all of that is going to happen in an hour! Not to mention that Google maps gave Master the wrong directions, so it took us even longer to get there, once we got into St. Albert.

So, we got there right as they were starting to serve the salads. At least we didn't miss any of the food! I hadn't met any of Master's co-workers (all 4 of them), so I got to meet everyone, which was nice. There was a harpist while we ate salad and dinner. During dinner Master's boss handed out the gifts to everyone. They had 8 envelopes (since the boss and his wife weren't included) that all had different gift cards in them. On the outside of the envelopes were clues to what gift card was inside. One person chose an envelope and read the clue aloud, but didn't open the envelope. Then the next person could either steal a previous envelope or choose a new one. It was kind of fun trying to guess what was inside. The clue on Master's envelope was "Starlight, Starbright, I think I'll see a star tonight." Inside were 8 movie passes! Nifty, eh? My envelope had a gift card to the local science center/Imax place and a Pizza Hut gift card. So I think Master and I have several date nights ahead of us! :)

After dinner was over, they had a hypnotist as "entertainment." I've never seen one before, but I've heard that this sort of thing is supposed to be hilarious. The boss's daughter (or maybe step-daughter, we're not sure) was there to complete our table of 10. She's 19 and cute. Well, she and her mom (boss's wife) went up when they asked for volunteers for the hypno. Apparently some people are more sucseptible to it than others, so some people who went up didn't get to stay because they couldn't "relax" like they needed to. The hypnotist said that they just need more time, but it was just a nice way of saying that they wouldn't work for this. lol Anyway, the daughter, Tina, got to stay and be a part of it. It didn't end up being quite as funny as I'd thought it would be, but it was still fun. I don't think I would've believed it as much as I did had it not been for Tina being up there. At the end, the guy does this "recall" thing so that all the participants can remember everything they did while they were hypnotized. Tina walked back to the table and sat down looking so embarassed! She really didn't do anything that embarassing either.

After that was an auction. You know, to raise money. No one at our table bought anything. They had some really nice stuff up for auction, but nothing I'm willing to pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for, even if that's what it's worth. Besides, I'm not involved with this organization and had never heard of it before, so I don't feel compelled to give them my money.

The whole night lasted longer than I had expected. We didn't leave there until after 10:30! Then we still had to go to the south side (again) to pick up John from Master's parents house, since that's where he'd been hanging out for the night. So it was after 11:30 by the time we got home. I'm soooo tired today. It's a really good thing that both Paul and Kim are gone at the national meetings this week because it means I'm here alone and don't need to work very hard today. When my alarm went off this morning, I asked Master if I could just skip my shower and throw my hair back for work today, knowing that no one's going to be around. Thankfully, he said yes. So I got to doze for a while longer, but I'm still super tired. Thank goodness it's Friday!

I missed a personal anniversary earlier this week. Monday, November 3rd, was the one year anniversary of my becoming a Canadian Permanent Resident! Remember that crazy trip to the border for me to land? That was a year ago! Happy Anniversary to me!

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Monday, November 03, 2008

Master and me

Let's see if I can put into words (coherantly) everything that's happened.

I let it all out a few posts ago. At that point I was feeling... lost. And confused. Was this really what I signed up for? Was this what I left everything for? That Wednesday I decided to go to Elk Island after work. I mainly just didn't want to be in the house. I told Master he could come with me, although I really kind of felt like I'd rather go alone. He did go with me, although he told me later that he knew I didn't want him to. We stopped by the main lake and walked over near the shore. It was mostly dark by this time and there were a few bison a little ways off, which was kind of cool. Anyway, we just stood there for a while and finally started talking about us. It was a long conversation and I don't remember everything that was said. I know I explained to him why the little things not getting cleaned up always bothers me so much. I told him that there are big things that need to be cleaned, but I don't get upset about it because I'm not doing it either. For example, the living room hasn't been vaccumed in ages, but I'm not mad about it not getting done because I'm not doing it either. However, I do clean up after myself with the little stuff, and since it's easy and quick, yeah, it pisses me off when other people can't be bothered. I do it, and I expect the same in return. I think that made a little more sense to him, although I don't think he'll ever fully understand why I get so upset about some of that stuff. I probably shouldn't get so upset, but I find it endlessly frustrating.

Anyway, we talked and talked. It felt like we resolved some things, and since it was getting later and colder, we left and headed home. We saw some porcupines on our way out of the park. But on the way home I stopped to get gas and the whole Windex bottle thing came up again, and Master still didn't get why that frustrates me and so I got upset and frustrated all over again, feeling like "didn't we just go over this?" We went to bed that night and I was still upset. So we had another big conversation. I cried a lot. I told him at some point that part of why something like the Windex bottle drives me crazy is that, for me to do it myself, it feels like it's just one more thing that I have to take care of because no one else will. I told him that I feel like I'm still waiting for him to really take charge of me and everything else in the house. I told him that maybe if he could take care of more of the other stuff, then I'd feel more like taking care of some of those little things was one way of me taking care of him and our house, instead of feeling like it's just one more thing that I have to do myself. If he's going to be in charge, then I need him to step up to the plate. If I'm going to take care of the little things, then I need him to take care of the big ones, you know? It can't be me trying to figure it all out myself, because then I don't feel like he's taking care of me at all, which is what he keeps saying he wants to do.

In the end, I really put it all on him. The ball's in his court, so to speak. Yeah, part of it is the kids. Master has to deal with them, always, consistently, because he is their parent. He and I agreed when I moved here that I shouldn't discipline them. I mean, I'll get after them about stuff, like picking up the jacket they tossed on the floor or turning off the light that they left on. But when it comes to actual punishment, that's up to Master. That's partly because Master doesn't want me to be the "evil stepmother" that suddenly has this authority over them. While it might not be so sudden at this point, I still agree that it's better this way. It's also because I would be tougher on them than Master is, and there are things that I'd punish them for that he wouldn't. So, we both feel that it's better if it's just up to him. But, as I've told him time and again, then it means that he has to do it. Has to. We can talk about how we don't like the kids giving attitude or something, but he's the only one of the two of us that can do anything about it, you know?

The other thing that I really put on him was about our relationship. We have these conversations periodically about how the dynamic of our relationship isn't what we want. I've told him multiple times that I feel like I'm still waiting for him to really take control of me and our relationship. He says he'll do it, and then maybe he will for a week or so... and then it just goes back to regular. I keep feeling like I can't submit when there's no dominance to submit to. So I pretty much told him that night that it was up to him. If this is what he really wants for us, then he needs to take the lead.

I know I put a lot on his plate that night. But I also told him that I didn't really know what else there was for me to do. There's a lot there that I can't do. It's got to be on his shoulders.

Things are improving, although I still have my moments of feeling like this isn't working. Saturday was not a good day because of that. One thing that we've started doing (although I have times when I forget) is that I now have to ask permission for everything. Seriously, everything. If we're sitting there watching TV and I need to go to the bathroom, I have to ask permission. There's a couple reasons behind this. One, it helps Master to learn exactly what I need, so that he can take better care of me. Two, it's a repeated reminder to both of us as to who's in charge and who isn't. It kind of pushes us into keeping with our D/s dynamic instead of just a regular ol' vanilla relationship.

I think part of why Master struggles with the stuff with the kids (and even our relationship) is because it takes a lot of effort. If you tell them to clean something up, it's a lot easier to assume that they did it than to actually go check. But if you don't keep a good eye on what you've told them to do, they know that, and they'll take advantage of it. Not long after I moved here, I was having a conversation with Alice about something (I don't remember what, now) and she told me that she knew that Master was easy on them, that he didn't punish them much, and so they didn't really take him that seriously about stuff. That still sticks with me. I told Master at the lake that I know that checking all that stuff takes effort, but that maybe if he does it all the time, or even most of the time, then the kids will know that he means business, and they'll take him more seriously. In which case, he probably won't have to check it as much. You know, put in the effort now for the dividends later kind of thing. He seems to agree and has been doing a better job of following up with what the kids are supposed to do, but I'm not confident that it's going to last. I guess there's just been too many times in the past where Master says he'll do things differently because he wants the change too, but he doesn't stick with it.

And that's why the same problems keep cropping up, whether it be about the kids or about our relationship. It's not stuff that we can slack off on and expect that things are still going to change.

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