Monday, June 29, 2009

MIA

Mom is here! She arrived on Saturday, so we've been hanging out and doing stuff. It's been fun so far. Mom, Master, John, and I will be leaving Friday morning to spend a few days in the mountains, and I think we're all looking forward to that!

So, I won't likely be around much this week and will probably not have much chance to check other people's blogs. I'll catch up next week! Hope you all are having a good week so far!

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dad

Today would've been my dad's 69th birthday. It also would've been my parents 42nd wedding anniversary.

Without even realizing those things at the time, I was thinking about my dad this morning, a particular memory. The summer I was 16, a good friend of mine got married. She was kind of a "big sister" to me and our families went to church together. She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and I was happy to be a part of her wedding. Though my dad was never a preacher he was licensed to perform marriages, and my friend and her fiance asked my dad to perform their wedding.

When the wedding began, I walked down the aisle to take my place at the front. My dad was already standing at the front with the other men. We were smiling at each other, and as I kept walking, I could see his chin quiver a little. After everything I was over, I asked him about it, almost teasing a little. He said, "When I saw you walking down the aisle, I just thought 'I'm not ready for this.'" We gave each other a big hug. As it turned out, he died a little over a year later, so he never had to be ready. But it's still a memory that I cherish, and one that makes me cry.

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Latest

I know I haven't written much in the last week. I just feel all discombobulated right now. Most of my energy is going into looking for a new job, trying not to panic about not having a job, and getting ready for my mom to come visit - she arrives this Saturday.

My ankle is definitely doing better, but it's definitely still got some healing to do. I can almost walk normally and the swelling in my foot has gone down most of the way. I can even wear regular shoes now. But stairs are still a real problem for me, and my ankle itself is still noticeably swollen. At least it's on the mend.

That's a little bit of an update. I know there's a lot more to say, but I just can't quite get it all together in my head right now. I don't know how much time (or brain power) I'll have in the next couple weeks to blog, so I apologize if that's the case. But, you know, sometimes life happens!

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Random Quotes

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd.
-- Edith Sitwell


All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
-- Unknown

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Back to the Beginning

It's 10:30 AM on Monday morning and I'm home. Why, you ask? Because I arrived home about 30 minutes ago after being let go from my job. I am now unemployed. Oh, I did a good job and all, that's not the issue. It's the same thing that came up last fall. They want someone with a designation and more of an accounting background. Which I don't have. And now that it's the off season and there's not as much for me to do... I'm out the door. I cried most of the way home. As much as I went back and forth about whether or not to stay with that job, I had kind of come to the conclusion that I'd stick with it for now and see what happened going forward. So much for that. Supposedly I still get the bonus, which is good. I had originally planned on using it to buy a plane ticket to Ohio for sometime this fall. I haven't been back since I moved here. Now, I won't want to buy a ticket unless I have another job lined up, and with a new job, I probably won't be able to take the time off yet. So that plan might just be screwed at this point.

The good news? Well, hopefully I can find another good job and maybe one I like even better. The economy has slowed, but it's not as dire as it is in many parts of the States, so I should be able to find a job. Secondly, by law in Canada, a company is required to either give you two weeks notice or pay you for two weeks after you go (more if you've worked there a long time). Obviously, they didn't give me notice, so I'm still getting paid for another couple weeks. Lastly, they also have to pay me for my unused vacation days, and since our vacation days just renewed, that's basically another two weeks pay.

So here's what I'm thinking: my mom is coming to visit at the end of this month - she'll arrive on the 27th and leave July 7th. Hopefully between now and then, I can find a job that I can start on the 8th or sometime soon after she leaves. With the money still owed, it won't be like I've lost wages, and I'll still be able to hang with Mom while she's here. Of course, that's if everything goes like I hope, which I know I can't really count on. But it'd sure be nice.

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

So. Dang. Funny.

I found a new site today. Texts from Last Night. It's hilarious!! Here are some examples (the numbers are the area codes that they're from):

(254): I am coming home for anal
(254): * a nap*


(817): what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?


(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Aftermath

Things are slowly moving along. And I do mean slowly. My ankle is a little better, but it's still quite swollen and stiff. The bruising colours are pretty, lemme tell ya. As a result, I'm still getting around pretty slowly. I hate it. Going up or down a flight of stairs at home just feels like it takes it out of me. Getting in and - especially - out of bed is also a real challenge, mainly because our mattress sits right on the floor, so I don't get to swing my legs over the edge and just stand up. Showering makes me nervous, although it's been okay so far, just painful and tiring. I feel tired a lot; part of that is the ankle, but part of it is not sleeping as well. I wake up early a lot lately, like around 4:30 or so, and maybe get back to sleep kinda sorta, but you know how it is. I'm chalking up the waking early to the daylight and the pain in my ankle. I take a Tylenol before bed, but it only lasts so long. I'm thinking I need to get some Tylenol PM or something.

I didn't notice until the day after my nightmare at Elk Island that my watch wasn't working. I don't really know why. I'm pretty sure it got wet at one point, but it's supposed to be okay in water. So I don't know if something other than water got inside or if I also hit it on something and didn't realize it. Both are entirely possible. It's not a super expensive watch (I think I bought it a few years back at Target for probably $20), so it's not a huge deal, but still a bummer.

I had to wash all of my clothes twice after that night. After the first washing, I could still smell the swamp stink on them. I just noticed this morning that the yoga-type pants I was wearing that night have a little hole in one of the legs. I'm assuming that came from getting caught on a thorn when I ran into the woods to get away from the charging bison. I got some scratches from the thorns too, which is why I'm assuming that. The socks I was wearing that night are, I think, going to have to be thrown out. When I got home last Thursday night, I took off my socks and shoes and left them by the back door because they were completely soaked and really smelly because of the swamp stink. It took me a few days to bother getting around to doing anything with the socks because I wasn't going upstairs much and when I did, it just seemed like too much effort to deal with filthy socks. They've been soaking in soapy water the last couple days, and I've scrubbed on them a little, but I suspect they're ruined. The shoes were already kind of old and beat up. They're still by the back door. I haven't decided what to do with them yet, but I have a feeling I'll toss them too, because I don't want the permanent swamp stink that is probably now in them.

One (kind of) plus in this is that, this is a really good week at work for me to be slow and gimpy. This week are the managers meetings - which are being held at a hot city in the States - so I'm in the office by myself all week, and it's really quiet, so I don't even have a lot to do. So I can just sit and take it easy and slowly work on the stuff I do need to get done. I even wore a pair of yoga-type pants today because, by golly, I felt like it. And no one is here to know the difference! Seriously, the only people I saw at work on Monday were the mailman and the UPS chick. Yesterday was just the mailmain. In fact, after the mailman comes by in the morning, I lock the door. (Any time one of us is here alone for any real length of time, we just lock the door since we don't typically have visitors, and it's safer that way.) So why shouldn't I wear comfy clothes when I'm injured? lol


Master's been good during all of this. That night when I got home, I just bawled. I couldn't stop crying. Once I was home and I knew I was (mostly) okay, it finally caught up to me how scared I had been, how bad it could have been, everything. I kept apologizing to Master. He got something for me to drink, and then let me stand there while he cleaned off the dirt and stink I had on me. I had already decided that I'll never walk there alone again, but he told me that I won't be. He never really liked me walking alone at Elk Island, but didn't stop me from doing so. I think he felt kind of bad that he hadn't stopped me. But he's gotten drinks, made food, and done chores for me. I told him it was kind of funny that he wants me to ask him for stuff, wants me to tell him what I need, and now this bum ankle was forcing me to do just that!

I told Mom about it when I talked to her Friday night. I could tell she was freaked out by it, and wasn't more freaked only because it was after the fact and she knew I was okay now. I ended up getting a little email on Monday from a good family friend that we know from church, who told me that Mom got a little choked up telling her the story on Sunday. So I've probably added a couple gray hairs to Mom's head.

I'll still try to tell the whole story sometime. Right now it honestly still freaks me out a bit. I barely slept that first night. My ankle hurt so much, and I kept having bad dreams about charging bison. So I think I need a little more time before recounting it again.

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Saturday, June 06, 2009

Hiatus

I'm taking a hiatus from Elk Island for a bit. I went Thursday night to walk and it ended up being a complete nightmare. Someday I'll try to tell the whole story, but it involved a mean bison that charged me, stumbling around on uneven ground to avoid the bison, twisting my right ankle twice, wading through some swamp water, and barely getting back to Peachie before it was completely dark. A horrible, terrifying night. I still feel exhausted, my ankle and foot are REALLY swollen and painful, and it feels like my whole body hurts from the effort of surviving the night. I won't be walking at Elk Island alone ever, and maybe not even much with other people. I think I'll eventually go to still drive around and see animals, but for now, I just don't want to go back.

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Thursday, June 04, 2009

Moving On...

It's that time of year again. The time of year where it feels like we have daylight all the time. We don't really, but kind of feels that way. We turn off the light to go to bed and there's still daylight. We wake up in the morning and there's daylight. I woke up at 4:15 this morning because I had to pee and I could already see a bit of daylight outside... and our room faces west!

I was on the Weather Channel site yesterday, printing off some into for my boss since he'll be travelling. I noticed that they had the sunrise and sunset times for his destination. So, out of curiosity, I looked up the times for Mom in Ohio and the times here. I forget now exactly what the times were, but our sunrise is a little over and hour before hers, and our sunset is nearly an hour later!

There's a reason that Edmonton - and especially places even farther north than here - are called the Land of the Midnight Sun this time of year!

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Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Bit

I had in mind to do a full post, explaining a little more after my last post. I'm afraid it's just not going to happen tonight. I have not slept well the last two nights, so I am really tired. I'm okay and Master's okay and we'll be okay. I'm not going anywhere. The last few days, week, whenever, has been really up and down, kind of rough. Really, I've known my confession for a while now. I never even had to say it out loud for Master to know it too. I'm just not happy enough here. I keep thinking if I wait, if I tough it out, it'll get better. And it has gotten some better. I just feel like I'm still waiting. Two years later.

Master and I drove out to Elk Island Saturday night to just drive around a little and try to see animals. We were having some discussion beforehand and on the way there. I was trying to tell him why it is that I'm not really happy here. One of the things that I said was that I need him to be more dominant, be more commanding. I need that. He said he could do that, he would do that. I hesitated a moment, and then asked, "Are you sure?" He said, "Yes. Why?" I explained that I've told him that before, more than once. And he's always said that he can do it, it'll happen, not to worry. He'll do it for a week or two or whatever, and then it just fizzles out or something. More than once. He said he knew that he'd done that. I flat out told him that he needs to get it right because if he doesn't, one of these days I'm going to stop asking.

Fast forward to Sunday night when we're having a heated discussion about - can you guess? - snoring! Beginning of June and it's still an issue. A couple weeks ago, Master somehow twisted his knee a little, so that it's been stiff and painful, which means he can't ride the stationary bike. His plan was to ride the stationary bike, or his regular bike, to get back in shape which he thought would help with the snoring. I certainly don't blame him about his knee, but it means that things still aren't getting better, and it doesn't make me feel better when that's his only solution. Master was upset that I don't just trust him that he'll take care of it, that I've lost faith in him. So, I said, "Do you know why that is? Because there have been multiple things, since I've been here, that you said you'd take care of. That you told me not to worry about, you would handle it. And then nothing happens. You don't take care of it. " He asked if it was the kids. I told him that was one example. Another was me needing him to be dominant. (Remember the previous paragraph?) It's not that I've lost faith and trust in him entirely, but I also don't have confidence when he says he'll take care of something.

We've talked more. I know we'll be okay. I may not do it again if I had the chance, but I'm in it now, and I'm in it for the long haul. I love Master. I just want him to do what he says he's going to do. I want him to figure some things out for himself. I want him to actually be my Owner, my Master, and not just have it be a name I call him or something we talk about.

Well, I guess I pretty much wrote everything anyway. You know, I know that relationships and marriage is hard. I know it takes work, and I knew and expected that before I ever got here. I guess I just expected it to be easier than this.

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