Thursday, May 27, 2010

Quote me

In an email to my mom yesterday, I wrote a sentence that she called "powerful and poetic."  I didn't think much of it when I wrote it, but when I reread it, I saw her point.  I was even a little proud of myself!  So feel free to quote me... as long as you give me credit!  

I'm not ready to start completely burning bridges yet, even if I never plan on crossing them again!

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Friday, May 21, 2010

New Bed

This is so freaking hard.  I had no idea it would be this hard.  I'm so up and down, so all over the place.  Sometimes I feel good, I feel strong, I think I'll be okay and I'll be able to move on once I move out.  Other times... I don't know how I'm going to survive.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I cry every day at all different times.  Sometimes it's really just too much.

I bought a new bed tonight.  I won't get to sleep on it for another two weeks, since the lease for my new place doesn't start until June 1, and they don't deliver in the evenings so I have to wait for Saturday.  But it's a wonderful, delicious bed.  I can honestly say that I'm really looking forward to it.  It's one of those memory foam beds, and I normally wouldn't have been able to come close being able to afford it.  But the guy sold me a floor model from Calgary, so I got it for less than half what I normally would've paid!  It was still more than what I really wanted to spend, but... oh my, did it feel good!  And I've been wanting a really great bed for a long time.  So why not now, you know?

Master and I have talked some about maybe being able to reconcile down the road.  I don't think it's likely, but I won't rule out the possibility.  I mean, I didn't think this would be happening, so I really can't predict anything.  Master is still the best friend I have here, and I am not willing to cut him out of my life.  He's my Emergency Contact.  I still love him so much that it tears me apart.  But it's come down to the fact that I don't think things will change enough - if at all - for me to be willing to reconcile.  I've sacrified and compromised and bent on so many things, and we ended up falling apart.  As I said to Master recently, "I left everything up to you and you ran us into the ground.  So now I get to make some decisions."  I won't really go into details, mainly because it exhausts me just thinking about it so I don't want to type it all out.  Master admits that this is all on him.  He fucked it all up.  I've told him that if he's serious about this and he really doesn't want to lose me, he has the chance to make it right.  My new lease is for a year, so do the things I've been asking for - and in some cases, begging for - all along.  I would love for my marriage to work out.  I would love to keep and renew my commitment to my husband.  I just have trouble believing that if he couldn't make it happen when I was here, how is he going to bother making it happen when I live somewhere else?

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Thursday, May 13, 2010

This is now

Thanks to everyone who commented.  I really, really appreciate it.  

My life, in a rather short time, has become very surreal and weird and just... unbelievable.  I'm still trying to come to terms with what is happening, but I think I'm getting there.  I mean, we'd come close to calling it quits before, so it's not like I haven't thought about this happening.  I just never really thought that it would.

I'm not moving back to the States, at least not at this point.  I have two main reasons for this.  One, I already gave up everything once, to move here to be with Master.  Why should I give up everything again because he's now changed his mind?  Two, I really like my job and my co-workers, and I know that that's not always easy to come by, esp. considering how things are in the States right now.  There is no expiration date on my citizenship, nor - I don't think - on my mom's offer to stay with her if I need to.  But once I move back, it's not like I can just hit Undo and make everything go back if I want to.  So, I'm going to find a place here and give it some time.  If I end up being completely miserable, then I'll move back.  For now, I'm going to keep what I do have.

So I'm looking for a new place to live.  See?  This is completely surreal.  Master went with me after work tonight to look at a place.  Despite everything, we're still best friends and care about each other very much.  He's just not in love with me any more.  It kills me.

Anyway, the place tonight was really nice and I'd love to live there.  It's in a good location and a reasonable price.  I'm looking at basement suites because they're usually cheaper than a big apt. building and often have better amenities - like maybe only having to share a washer and dryer with the main floor tenant instead of the whole building.  So that's what I'm trying to do.  I'm just hoping to find a place that's in a decent neighborhood, doesn't feel a dungeon, and isn't going to leave me completely broke.

That's about it for now.  I'm starting to look forward to moving out, mainly because it's just uncomfortable and weird for me here now.  I don't sleep well, so I'm tired all the time.  I know that'll change once I move out.  It just seems like if it's over... then let's just have it be really over.  And I know Master feels the same way.

Doesn't mean it's not sickeningly hard, though.

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Sunday, May 09, 2010

It's Over

Master and I are done.  He made the final decision yesterday.  I'm angry and sad and hurt.  And tired.  

The kids don't know yet.  He'll tell them soon, but I won't be moving out right away, so for the most part the situation won't change immediately.

My life is never going to be the same.

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Thursday, May 06, 2010

I'm sorry I'm so quiet right now.  I just don't know what to say.