Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Missing

I really miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day. That's the part that really makes me sad. I want to lie in bed and talk to someone, just random stuff about the day. I miss having a partner.

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Saturday, June 26, 2010

I'm down. Why don't you kick me?

Well.  Any last tiny, little shred of hope I had left that Master and I might be able to work it out and get back together is totally gone now.  Master told me Thursday night that he's already seen someone else a couple times.  Um.  WHAT?  Talk about a punch to the gut.  I knew he would start dating before I did, and probably long before I did.  And I knew that when he did, it would hit me like a ton of bricks.  But I really didn't think it would be THIS soon.  Today is only three weeks that I've been moved out.  That's it.  Of course, I spent the rest of the night crying my eyes out, and then couldn't sleep for a while.  I thought I felt better for a while Friday, but then Master came by to drop off some stuff that I realized I'd left behind at the house.  And I just felt nauseaus and sad most of the time he was here.  I cried a lot again.  I hated him seeing me like that, but it's just so upsetting.  I didn't mean to, but I kept wondering about the two of them together, and thinking about him being with someone else, esp. already, just makes me feel like I want to vomit.  It's just a blow.  I think it's hit me even harder than I thought it would because it's just so soon after I've moved out.  Master's thought process is that we're done and nothing's going to change by him waiting longer before dating.  It makes  him feel better and heal faster by moving on.  It boggles my mind.  I don't think he's really healing at all, he's just jumping into another relationship.  He literally cannot be alone.  He hasn't really spent any time NOT in a relationship in nearly 20 years.  It makes me sad for him and kind of worried for him.  But it's not really my problem any more, is it?

I feel better today.  I think.  There's a male friend of mine from college who wrote a little something on my wall on Facebook yesterday.  It was something really simple, mainly just asking how I'm doing.  He didn't even know about my separation, just that I'd moved.  I sent him an email telling him what was going on.  But it kind of made me feel better for him to just ask.  Maybe it gives me a vague sense of hope that maybe there could be someone else down the road, whether it's this friend or someone else.

Mom gets here on Wednesday for a visit.  I'm looking forward to the time with her, but I also know that it will be weird and hard.  I don't think Mom quite knows what to make of everything.  I'm hoping that seeing where I'm living and working and even knitting will help make her feel better about me staying here for now.  I haven't told her about Master dating someone else already and I don't think I'm going to.  She's upset enough; this would just make it worse.  And in the hopes that Master and I can keep our friendship, and in case the two of them are ever around each other, I'd like to lessen any damage caused by all of this.

I hope I can start to feel at least a little better soon.  I'm tired of crying every day.

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Off

When my alarm went off this morning, it awoke me out of a dream about Master.  He and I were being... intimate when I woke up.  Because it was right when I woke up, I could remember what was happening quite vividly.  The dream really threw me.  I cried in the shower.  I cried most of the way to work.  I've been quiet and just "off" all day.  It's made me feel extra lonely and even unloved.  At least in that way, you know?  Sometimes it's like every day is a new heartbreak.

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Saturday, June 19, 2010

This has been a really up and down, blah kind of week.  I think last week was okay because I had just moved and it was new.  This week is a little more like reality setting in.  I'm sad and I'm lonely.  I miss talking to Master every day.  I don't get hugs from anyone now.  I haven't been sleeping well this week either.  It just feels like life is crap right now.

Mom comes for a visit in less than two weeks.  I'm looking forward to it, but I know it'll be different and probably hard.  She's been really supportive, but this is just a hard time.

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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Right Now

I cried hard tonight.  Briefly, but hard.  I was thinking about what it might be like to be with someone else.  To have a relationship with another man, one who was so good to me, one who could give me what I need.  And all I felt was scared.  And damaged.  Like anyone who I would want wouldn't want me because now I'm broken.  That makes me so angry and so sad.  It makes me want to yell in Master's face, "This is what you've done to me!!"  I used to be so much more... whole and naive and trusting, and I liked that about myself.  I liked not having all the baggage, and now here I am with it!  I'm just so... angry and sad.  I can't even believe this is me now.

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Friday, June 11, 2010

Moved

I'm here. I'm moved. I'm settling in nicely to my new little place. I really should go into it more, but I don't feel like blogging right now. At least I have internet access now. I'm doing okay. This is all I have to say for now.

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Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Moving

I'm moving this week.  I got the keys for my new place last night and I'm taking stuff over every night so that I'm not trying to do it all in one shot.  But I haven't gotten as much stuff over there yet as I'd hoped to.  I'm stressed, worried, overwhelmed, and really, really exhausted.  I'm having trouble figuring out how I'm going to get a phone line.  Because I'm in a basement suite, my cable and internet is shared with the people above me.  The girl who lived there before me never had a land line, just her cell phone.  I'm insistent on having a land line, but I'm having roadblocks trying to get one.  Master is really trying to help me out, and he may have a solution for me, but I feel like I just don't need anything popping up like this.  He's really trying to be helpful, which I really do appreciate.  But it's just sad and I'm having trouble packing much because it's just this in-my-face reminder that I'm leaving.  I'm crying as I type this.  It just hurts too much.

I've already made plans to take off work Monday and Tuesday next week since I'll be pretty much moved by then.  I just really need this week to be over.

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