Friday, July 30, 2010

Good day

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Work was pretty much a blow-off day, but in a fun way. In the morning we had our quarterly meeting with the whole organization - all 20-some of us. We do this every three months (obviously, since it's a quarterly meeting!) and it's basically a chance for us to go over financials, what the different teams are doing, are meeting the goals we've set, etc. Sometimes it's a little dry and boring, but it can also interesting and even occasionally fun. Plus, it takes up half of a day, so I like that part too.

Yesterday after the meeting, our leaders had schedule a BBQ for everyone. Basically it was a chance for us to all hang out and have fun and, you know, build our relationships so that we work better together. That last one might be true, but it also always sounds a little like a weak justification for goofing off - not that I'm complaining!! So our president grilled out and we had lunch on our back patio. It was quite warm and sunny yesterday, so I had put on some sunscreen that someone was smart enough to buy. We were also getting swarmed by mosquitos because we've had a lot of rain this year and the little buggers are EVERYWHERE and just cover you. It's horrible! So I also ended up spraying myself with bug spray.

After lunch I sat inside with some of the other ladies because it was so warm that even just sitting in the sun was making me sweat. But then they had set up a couple games of Horseballs outside and as I had no idea what the game was, I just had to go see. Apparently it's called Horseballs because it's kind of like Horseshoes, but with balls. For a little more explanation and some pictures, go to this website. (Our rules were just slightly different, but still pretty close.) I didn't play at first - I just sat in the shade and watched. But I played the second time around and it was actually really fun! I was playing with three other people who've played before, but I did pretty well - actually surprised myself - and it ended up being a really good, close game. It was awesome! (The fact that we'd all had a little alcohol may have helped with the fun awesomeness.)

After our awesome Horseballs game ended, a handful of us sat out on the patio a little longer, just chatting. People were already starting to leave for the day even though it was only about 3:30. A lot of people have taken today off since Monday is a civic holiday here, so they could have an extra long weekend.

I was supposed to go to the yarn store after work to meet up with a girl - Ginny - that works there. She and I are kind of developing a friendship. I was going to hang out and knit until she got off work at 6 and then we were going to her place to have dinner and hang out. However, after the sunscreen, bug spray, and sweat... well, EWW!! I called Ginny and asked if I could just meet her at her place instead, which of course was fine. So I went home and had a shower so I didn't show up completely stinky and disgusting.

I had a nice time with Ginny. She had made homemade pasta sauce the night before, so we had spaghetti and garlic toast for dinner. Then we watched Finding Nemo and knitted. We had some good conversation. I feel like she and I talk easily, which is always a nice thing. She also has a pet bird, a parrot, but he's the smallest kind of parrot so he's only about as big as a sparrow or maybe a tad bigger. I'm not really much of a bird-as-a-pet person, but he was a cutie! He sat on my finger a couple times and even sat on my shoulder before I left. Ginny's hasn't even had him for a year yet, so she's still teaching him to talk and such. Apparently sometimes he imitates her laugh, but he didn't last night. I'm sure it'll be hilarious once I can hear it!

Anyway, that was my good day. I had fun just about all day! Of course, it made doubly hard to come to work this morning since yesterday felt so much like a Friday, especially right before a long weekend. But that's okay. I made an appointment to get a pedicure tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that and an extra day off of work!

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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

This is too freaking long for a comment

Amber, really, all you're doing is making me feel worse when I already feel bad enough on my own.  You're making my angry at you, not at him.  I'm sure you'll believe that it's because you're calling me out on being totally in denial, but frankly, you don't know me or my situation well enough to make that call.  And passing that judgement and acting so condescending about it just pisses me off that much more.  You have no idea why I'm fairly confident that he hasn't lied to me and didn't cheat on me.  You also have no idea that it's been a long time since I really considered him my true Master and Owner.  You wouldn't know that I came to conclusion several months ago that my needs were never going to be fulfilled in that marriage.  I quit blogging about my marriage much the last several months before I moved out, and I've never gone back to fill in those blanks, so don't think that you know enough to fill them in for yourself.  I'm sure I'll get to the point where I'll call him something else here on my blog, but I'll do it when I'M ready, not because you tell me I should.  I am dealing with everything the best way I know how, and I don't believe that there's only one right way to deal with the breakup of a marriage.  You acting like you know exactly what I should be doing and how I should be feeling seriously just pisses me off.  So stop.

As I said before, what I need right now is support.  Period.  I don't need anyone telling me what to do.  I need to go through this for myself.  So if you can't back off and just be supportive, then please just go away.  You and your perfect hubby can smile and shake your heads all you want, but do it somewhere else.  I don't need more crap from someone who doesn't really even know what's going on.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Ups and Downs

I don't know how much I'll be communicating with Master going forward.  I really did want to maintain our friendship, but I just don't feel like I'm allowed to be his friend.  Since he has his new girlfriend living with him... how can I?  I feel like I'm not allowed to call him to see what he's up to, or to hang out and watch a football game together, or any of the things that I envisioned us doing as "just friends."  I feel like for us to have any kind of real friendship means we have to sneak around or something and I am completely unwilling to be the other woman, even if it's not that kind of relationship.  I started out my relationship with Master feeling like the other woman, I'm not doing it again.

I had my appointment with my doc today.  He had the results of all of my bloodwork, so I was meeting with him to find out what was going on.  He came in and said, "Well, I have good news and bad news."  Okay...  He said, "The good news is that all of your bloodwork is completely fine.  All of it.  But that means that I have no explanation for your hair loss."  So he's going to send me for a few more tests that are more in depth, one of which means collecting my urine for 24 hours.  Good times, eh?  He also mentioned that he might send me to see a dermatologist.  On one hand, I'm disappointed that there wasn't anything wrong because it means that there's no solid, easy answer.  But, really, how can I complain with everything being good?  My doctor actually said that all of my results were "boringly normal."  My A1C, which measures my blood sugar over the last three months, was 6.8 which is really good.  The goal is to keep it under 7, so I'm good!

I was looking online today, after my appointment, to find a link between diabetes and hair loss.  It seems that hair loss can be a symptom of either not having been diagnosed yet, or poor control of someone who's already been diagnosed.  Obviously, that's not the case with me.  Also, there are some medications that can cause hair loss or thinning, but none of my medications are new to me, so I don't think that's a culprit.  However, I did find a couple places that mentioned that because diabetics have worse blood circulation, when you do lose hair, it can be slower to grow back than most people.  So it could be that my hair being like it is right now is a result of stress and poorer than normal circulation.  I don't know - there's no test for stress hair loss.  So, knowing that things with me are good, I actually feel better about things.  I'm keeping an open mind until we see what the other tests show, and we'll see what happens then.

Last Friday I had a really good afternoon at work.  Our team (my manager Candy, my co-worker Lizzy, and me) have a new program that is in the process of being launched to our members.  Because it's new and it's our biggest program, there is a LOT of work involved.  Candy has been trying to set up some rewards for us to keep us motivated to get things done.  Well, Lizzy and I got a lovely reward on Friday!  We were each given a weekend away in the Rockies!!  How great is that?  We both got two nights at a hotel, mine at Lake Louise and Lizzy's in Banff.  They're actually leftover door prizes from our annual convention back in April, but I don't care and I'm not complaining!  As you all know, I was just considering taking a trip to the Rockies, so now I definitely will be.  I was looking at the calendar with Candy today, and it looks like I'll be going at the end of October.  I'm really looking forward to it - it'll be a nice to chance to relax and DE-STRESS!!  And, as I told Mom, it feels like validation for staying in Edmonton and keeping this job - that my work and efforts are appreciated and valued.  Yay good job!!

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Monday, July 26, 2010

PMS is a bitch when you're already sad, lonely, and depressed.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Lonely

I know this is a recurring theme on my blog right now, but this is where I am.

When I moved here, Master wanted us to spend all of our time together, and so I never really pursued making friends.  If I'd happened to find a friend, that would've been good, but it just never happened.

So now I'm friendless and Masterless.  And that means I'm really lonely.  I've started going to church again, just a couple times so far.  But it's kind of familiar and that's where I've often made friends in the past, so... I'm going.  There's also a girl who started working at the yarn store recently and she and I have hit it off.  I think we could become pretty good friends, and she's given me her number and suggested we get together sometime.  I think I'll take her up on it soon.  But you know close friendship doesn't happen overnight.

I just hate being lonely.  It makes me sad, but then I also get bad ideas.  It's just bad for me.

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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

No wonder

You know what the hardest part is right now?  The evenings, especially at the end of the day.  It occured to me a few days ago that it's been a long time since I had no one to talk to at night.  I mean, Master and I were only married for three years (although technically we're still married, it's really only on paper at this point).  But it's been 5+ years since I didn't have him to talk to at the end of the day, whether online or on the phone.  That's a good chunk of time.  No wonder I'm always lonely and sad at night.

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Saturday, July 17, 2010

Get outta town

I'm thinking about taking a little trip in the next few months, but I'm debating it.  I'd kind of like to make a trip to Montana to stock up on supplies that I can't buy here before winter, but that's a long road trip to make by myself.  I'm also thinking about taking a trip to the Rockies to just drive and look at scenery and such.  But I'm not sure.  I'm not sure I should spend the money.  I'm already planning to fly back to Ohio in October for around a week.  I haven't been back since I moved here!  So I'm going to have to buy that plane ticket.

You know, I like to think that I can take care of myself, and deep down I guess I know I can.  I just really hate the thought of my car breaking down on the highway in the middle of nowhere and I don't even have someone with me to help or just to offer moral support.  I just wish I was more confident about doing something like this.

Oh, and I seem to be horny just about all the dang time lately.

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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My new place

So here are some pictures of my new place.  I took these a few weeks ago, so there are no more boxes and the place is a little more decorated and organized.  But these will still give you a good idea of where I'm living now.  Not bad, eh?

This is the stairway from outside down to my place and into the kitchen.  The living room is the room to the right.


This is the view from the couch of my new TV, into the kitchen and beyond is the bathroom and bedroom.



The bathroom!




This is most of my bedroom.  This picture doesn't show my bookshelves, the second window, or my spiffy walk-in closet!

The living room.



The kitchen, with the door to my bedroom off to the right.


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Saturday, July 10, 2010

To avoid a rug on my head...

So it turns out that my thinning hair may not be entirely from stress. I kind of figured that if my hair was as thin as it is now, someone would've said something, you know? Master says that he did; I have no recollection of it. I stopped by the salon Thursday after work, so my hairdresser could trim my bangs for me. (She'll cut them for free when they start bugging me in between regular trims.) While I was there, I asked her if my hair had been this thin for a while or if it was a newer thing.  She said it's been like this for at least a little while.

So, since it seems like there might be something else going on here - unless I've just been more stressed for longer than I realized - I made a quick little appointment with my doctor.  I'm due to go for my regular diabetic bloodwork anyway, so I figured I should get some other bloodwork done at the same time.  My doc agreed and gave me the form for thyroid and various hormonal testing.  I go next Saturday to have all my blood drained for all these tests.  I'm hoping that it'll give me some answers and, therefore, one or more solutions.

In the meantime I'm taking extra complex vitamin B.

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Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Yes, that is my scalp

So far, I was thinking I was getting through this whole separation and everything without too many physical effects. Maybe a headache or a nervous stomach here and there, but that's about it. Then, while my mom was here, she mentioned that I should ask my doctor about a thyroid test at my next visit. Why, you ask? Well, my dad had a thyroid problem, and apparently my hair is thinning which can be a symptom of a thyroid problem. However, I don't really think it's my thyroid, mainly because one of the big symptoms is to have no energy, which is not a problem for me. I think it's stress. Because, you know, it's not like I haven't had any stress lately.

I found out today that not only does Master already have a new girlfriend, but apparently she AND her daughter are going to be living with him and his kids for the summer!!!! I am so freaking mind-boggled by this, I don't even have the words for it. It makes me wonder if I ever really knew him at all, or if he's just so different now that he's not the man I married. I never would've thought he'd have someone living him after only having met them a few weeks ago. Of course, then I start to wonder if I've just been completely naive and foolish, and that he's known this woman longer than he's admitting to. When he said that they didn't start talking to her until after I moved out, I accepted it because - as far as I know - Master has never lied to me in the entire time that I've known him. But now... I'm just really having my doubts. Either he knew her longer, or he's seriously not thinking straight, or he's just that desparate to not be alone, or there's more to the story than I know. I doubt that I'll ever know the full truth.

I went to bed a little while ago, but I couldn't sleep, thinking about all of this. At first I felt like I wanted to cry, because it really hurts to feel like I meant so little to my husband that less than a month after I move out, he's already got some other woman in his house and in his bed.  But now I'm angry.  I'm freaking LOSING MY HAIR because everything in the last months has been so stressful and traumatic for me, but not Master.  No, he's sad for a few days, then hooks up with someone else and happily goes on with his life.  He likes to claim that he loved me so deeply and this has been just as hard for him, nevermind all the evidence to the contrary.

He's fucking a new woman, and I'm fucking going bald.  How's that for evidence for how we each feel?

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Saturday, July 03, 2010

Mom is here.  It's good.  :)

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