What the heck?

I've got something sexual on the brain.  A couple things have happened in my head over the last few days that have got me pondering.

First, a few days ago I had a dream.  I won't bother going into details, partly because I don't even completely remember them.  You know how it is with dreams.  But in the dream I was somewhere (I'm not sure where) with a group of people that I knew.  A man walked in who was threatening us with violence (although I don't remember now what he wanted).  Everyone else was really scared.  I was kind of scared, but I literally threw myself at him.  Like, sucking on his tongue and rubbing myself up against him, threw myself at him.  After hot sex, it was as if we instantly fell into a relationship, with a D/s flavor.  We went out to eat and he ordered for me without even asking what I wanted.  Throughout my entire dream, he was very much in charge and in control.  And I found him to be incredibly sexy, despite the fact that he wasn't really all that physically attractive.

The second thing happened today, but first I need to give a little background.  This is a big confession for me because this is something I'm NOT proud of.  XM is the only person I've ever told about this occurance.  Several years ago, when I was in my mid-20's, Mom, Brother, and I went to visit some extended family, people we don't get to see very often (one of my dad's cousins and her family).  The last night there, I was alone at one point with the cousin's husband and we ended up fooling around a bit.  Just kissing and a little groping, all over in about 15 minutes.  I should include the fact that he's a physically big man (6' 6) and has a rather commanding personality (although I think he can be a big softy at times too).

Anyway, I spoke with this man by phone today regarding something about my granddad's estate.  I haven't seen or spoken to this man since that visit several years ago.  We had a really nice conversation, nothing weird or awkward.  But I found that I was all revved up and tingly after talking to him.  And THAT is making me feel weird and awkward.

So this all has got me thinking.  I must have a "type" of man that I am attracted to.  I guess that isn't a surprise, but it makes me wonder if it's a bigger deal to me than I realized.  It's obviously invaded my subconscious.  It also makes me wonder if I want a man who's a little older than what I would normally look for.  

What do you guys think?

What Comes Next

It's now been about a month since I lost my job.  I didn't originally intend to take this long off, but the time has gone quickly.  I still haven't even updated my resume, although I plan on doing so tomorrow.  I feel like there's something else I could be doing with my life other than just regular plain old jobs.  But heck if I know what it is or even how to figure out what it is.  I guess that's another reason to do temp work for a while.

Not Sure

I got my hair cut on Thursday.  Really cut.  It had been well past my shoulders, although not to the middle of my back, because XM liked long hair and asked me to grow it.  Now I've got a slightly angled bob (a wee bit shorter in the back) and I got highlights, which was a first for me.  I love it!!  However, I think I'll have her even out the bob as it grows.  I'm not sure that I like having it quite this short in the back.

Ginny moved to a new place a couple months ago.  She's in a "garden view" apartment, meaning that she's half way below ground.  Her only phone is her cell phone and she gets horrible reception in her apt, so most of our communication is by email and text.  Middle of last week she replied to an email of mine and mentioned getting together this weekend, but that she's broke so it needs to just be hanging out.  No problem.  I suggested her coming over Friday night.  And then... nothing.  I still haven't gotten a reply or a text or anything.  Ginny started dating a new guy a few weeks ago.  She posted on Facebook last night about having a great day with her man.  Now, when Ginny and I first met, she had a boyfriend, but he works up north and is only home every other weekend.  We never got together when he was home, but I figured that they had limited time together and it was fair that they'd want to spend it with each other.  But now with this new guy, I'm wondering if she's the kind of girl who ditches her friends when a new boyfriend shows up.  Look, I fully expect that she and I will hang out less because she won't have as much time to spend.  That's fine, no worries.  I guess I just don't want to be completely ignored or tossed aside, you know?  I don't know for sure that that's what's going on, but it sure seems to be.

What do you all think?

Little Update

I know I haven't been blogging much lately.  I either feel like I don't have much to say or I don't feel like blogging.  But I'll try to do a quick update.

I'm still not working and, I must say, I'm really enjoying it.  I know that seems like an obvious statement, but the truth is that any other time in the past that I've lost of my job, there's always this sense of worry and maybe even panic.  Trying to hurry up and find another job because I've got bills to pay.  This time, it's completely different.  I've been unemployed for almost four weeks and I haven't even updated my resume yet.  I'm not the least bit worried about paying my bills or being able to find another job.  It's honestly going to be hard to go back to work because I'm enjoying this time off so dang much!

I started taking the antidepressant two days before I lost my job.  Because of the timing of everything, it's hard to know how much I'm affected by the drug and how much is not having the anxiety of going to work and dealing with Candy any more.  But life has gotten better.  I can feel a change.  I feel more relaxed.  I feel more like I want to get out and do stuff.  I actually feel a little more like myself, which is really kind of a relief.  It hit me about a week ago just how long it's been since I really felt like myself.  I don't think I'm completely there yet, but it's so great to get that sense, that reminder, of what I'm like and how wondefully familiar and comforting it is.

What with not working, I'm doing a lot of knitting, which is fun!  It's too bad I can't knit for a living.  There are a couple things I'm working on that aren't intended for any specific person, so I'll probably sell them when I'm finished.  I certainly can't claim to be a pro knitter, so I'll just sell them for the cost of the yarn so I'm at least not losing money.

I hope you're all doing well.  I'm going to go knit.  :)

Confession

I really miss having sex.  Really.

Life These Days

Things are pretty good right now, all things considered.  I'm bummed about losing my job, but I think it's for the best.  You know, Candy and I had had some problems.  I thought they were improving, but I've been told by a couple other people there that once Candy loses faith or trust in a person, it's nearly impossible to get it back.  I think I'm only coming to realize now how anxious I was going to work every day.  I don't know if it's the antidepressive I'm now taking, not having to deal with Candy any more, or a combination of the two, but I have been sleeping so well the last week or two.  I mean, I don't even know the last time I slept this well without having to take a sleeping pill every night!  So that's been really nice.

I've decided to take a little time off of work entirely.  Due to my inheritance from my granddad, I can afford to not work for a little while.  I don't want to not work for too long, partly because I don't want to chew through my savings too much, and also because I think I'd get too used to it and it would be that much harder to go back to work.  But for now, I'm just enjoying the time off!

I still haven't decided for sure what I'm going to do next, but I think I'll be staying put.  First, I hate moving.  Really, really hate it.  Second, I don't want to move back to my hometown, so wherever I would end up in the States, I'd basically be starting over.  I have friends here now and I don't want to leave them.  Lastly, the economy here is still pretty good so I'm not worried about being able to find another job here.  However, my plan is to do some temp work over the summer, make a trip to TX that Mom and I are planning in September, and then find a permanent job when I come back.  Doing the temp work gives me the chance to make sure that staying in Edmonton is what's best without using too much of my savings.

So that's what's going on with me.  I'm feeling fairly good about things.  Oh, and we're getting close to the divorce being official.  A little part of me feels uneasy about it, but mostly I'm looking forward to it.  I want it to be done, and once it is I'm going to go back to my maiden name.  Maybe that will help me feel more like me.

Jasper Scenery

Mount Pyramid:



Medicine Lake:


This makes me feel like I should start singing "The hills are alive..."


View from my balcony: