Sunday, July 31, 2011

my secret too

I saw this secret on Post Secret today and even though I didn't actually send it, I feel exactly the same way.

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Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Hard Part

I got a call from Tim a couple hours ago.  It was the first time since Sunday that I'd heard from him.  His wife is on the job with him, so he hasn't had a chance to call.  This is the hard part to our crazy relationship.  I mean, I still never worried that maybe he's changed his mind about talking to me, because we've specifically agreed that if one of us ever feels that way, we'll be upfront and honest with the other person.  I was a little worried that something had happened to him.  He's working in a really, really hot part of the country right now.  He told me that yesterday at 5-something in the evening, when they quit for the day, it was 122 F.  Yikes!  He sounded tired and he admitted that the heat is wearing him down.  He figures he'll be there about another week to finish out the job.  I told him that when he's ready for a break to head north to cool off!

Anyway, I really miss talking to him.  Tim said he feels the same.  His wife will be leaving sometime on Sunday to head to another little job in another state, so we'll be able to talk again in a few days.  I'm glad to know that he's okay and that he's thinking about me, but days like this just remind me of this unusual situation that we've chosen to be in.

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Saturday, July 23, 2011

This post is not written in chronological order

Yeah, I'm addicted.  I went for another massage yesterday.  I seriously just love it!  One of the nice things about it now is that I think Jim and I are more comfortable with each other at this point.  I've had four massages with him.  There's a coupld reasons why I think he's getting more comfortable with me.  First, I've noticed that he's done something a little differently the last couple massages.  Last week, once I was lying on my back, as he was massaging my shoulders and neck, he turned my head to each side as he was massaging.  Yesterday he actually massaged my face a little, although he asked if I was okay with it first.  I liked the forehead and around my ears and such, but it was a little weird when he was massaging my cheeks and the middle areas of my face.  I'm not complaining, though.  Secondly, after we were finished, he said it was always nice to see me and that anytime they're offering his bookings for half off again, he'll make sure that they call me.  I said, "Yes, please do!"  So it's nice to know that he's happy to have my business.  I mean, I know that this is how he earns a living, but I guess I'm just kind of relieved to know that he's not repulsed by me or something.  I'm not exactly a size 6, you know?  At the end of this massage, while I was still lying on the table, I actually asked Jim if it's weird for him to have his hands all over people he doesn't know.  He said that he was used to it at this point, so it's not weird.  I didn't really expect him to say that it IS weird, but I was curious as to what his response would be.  Anyway, as much as I LOVE going to Jim for a massage, I do need to stop going so often.  I guess I'll have to rein in this addiction.

Oh, and I think one of the things I love about getting a massage, especially from Jim, is that it's totally a turn on.  I'm actually wet (down there) when I leave!

I was in a pretty bad mood this past Tuesday evening, which was the same day I wrote my last post.  I was kind of depressed, thinking about the situation and feeling like I probably am pitiful.  Plus, the little girl that lives upstairs was doing a lot of stomping around, which was just pissing me off.  So I was really in a bad mood.  I sent Tim a text message that told him that I was in a foul mood and that he may not want to call.  He's a pretty happy kind of guy and I didn't want to bring him down or take it out on him.  He called me just a few minutes later.  He said when he got my text, he couldn't wait to call!  He wanted to cheer me up and make me feel better.  Isn't that sweet?

Anyway, I basically told Tim the same thing I wrote in my last post and asked him what he thought.  Now, Tim's kind of a talker - which he'll admit himself - so he went into everything for a while.  But he basically said that he thought I had too much time on my hands and that I needed to get back to work.  I'm sitting around wondering if I'm pitiful and getting annoyed with the little girl upstairs because I don't have other things to focus on.  Me being me, I of course started to cry, which made Tim feel really bad.  I told him that he shouldn't feel bad, and I meant it.  I cry over everything!  It was hard to hear what Tim was telling me, but I needed it.  I needed someone to give me a little kick in the butt.  What Tim was saying was true.  So even though it was hard to hear, I was glad that he said it.  I loved that he was honest and straight with me.  It kind of feels like that conversation solidified our relationship.

So, because Tim was right and that I need to get back to work, I have an appointment on Monday afternoon with a staffing place.  It's the same place that I met with a couple years ago in order to get the job I lost in April.  Since I've been there before, they already have my info on file and I won't have to do all the same testing I did before.  I'm going to re-test on Excel since my score there wasn't quite as good as the other areas, but that's all I'll have to do, so that'll be nice.  So I'll be getting back into the grind fairly soon, although I still just plan on doing temp work for a while.

Back to Tim... he actually calls me his girlfriend.  It seems like he shouldn't, but at the same time it's really nice.  We've said those three little words to each other too.  Tim even said them first.  We both know that if he were single, we'd be together.  But we also both know that the only way for that to happen would be for Tim's wife, Ann, to die.  And that's just morbid.  Tim has flat out said that he hopes I find someone to marry and to spend my life with.  He won't stand in my way because he wants me to be happy.  As I got to thinking about it, I don't see how this relationship ends badly for me.  Tim has said that he doesn't know of any reason that he'll break things off, so that's not something I'm worried about.  So it would only end (or change to more of a friendship, really) by my choosing, whatever the reason.  That's really comforting and makes me feel really safe.  I'm not worried about being heartbroken again.

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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Pitiful or not so bad?

In a conversation Tim and I had not long ago, we were talking about how we both like affection and contact with people.  Tim mentioned that that's probably part of why I like the massages so much.  I agreed.

Now that I'm thinking about it a little more, it's making me a little sad.  I really do like the touch and contact that I get through a massage.  I keep thinking about going back for another one even though I really shouldn't spend the money for it.  And the thought of paying for someone else's touch is just depressing.

So tell me - am I pitiful or just making the best of the situation I'm in right now?

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Thursday, July 14, 2011


I got a call yesterday afternoon from the salon that I go to for my hair and other such things, including massages.  The girl said that they were offering booking for massages with the same guy I'd been with before for 50% off the rest of this week and was I interested in making an appointment?  Gee... YES!  So I made an appointment for late this morning.

This is now the third time I've had a massage with this guy, Jim, in the span of about a month.  As I wrote before, the first time was because I was having trouble with my back.  The second time was basically because my back was still giving me problems.  And now 50% off - like I'm going to turn that down!

Man, both of the first two massages were really good, but the one today... it's amazing I didn't end up drooling on the floor!  I went for a full 90 minutes and even though my back feels better I asked Jim to still focus on that.  He really worked it good, but he also does a terrific scalp massage.  He's done one each time and it always leaves me feeling like I could just follow him around like a puppy.  In fact, when I moved from lying on my front to my back, Jim asked me how I was feeling so far.  I told him that I thought he was my new best friend!

I've noticed something that Jim does that I really like.  It's subtle and something that many people probably wouldn't even notice or think about.  As he's about to start, he'll just gently rest a hand on my calf (since he starts on my feet and legs).  He'll do a similar sort of thing as he moves to a new area or when he's getting more lotion and such.  I can't quite explain why I like it, but I find it really comforting and calming.  Maybe it's as if it's not just him doing his job, but it feels a little like he's being caring.  It's just really nice.

If I could afford it, I'd go see Jim every week.  But in reality, I don't know when I'll be able to go again.  Maybe the next time they offer to give me a half-price massage!


Monday, July 11, 2011


I'm watching the show "Surprise Homecoming" on TLC right now.  Totally makes me cry, but they're happy tears.

I haven't gotten to talk to Tim a lot in the last week.  He was home for the 4th of July weekend.  He and his oldest son work together, although they're often in different locations.  But last week Tim's wife and son were both there, so we could only talk here and there during the day.  It's been a while since we had a long night of talking.  However, we talked for about an hour tonight before he went to eat dinner and he'll be calling me again when he gets back.  I've really missed him and I know he's missed me too.  Every time we've been able to talk, he always tells me how much he misses me.  It's nice to know, and it's nice to know that if we're not able to talk and if he doesn't call it's not because he doesn't want to talk to me.  He's just not able.

I had kind of a little breakthrough a week or two ago.  I was thinking back to before I moved up here and before XM and I got married.  I remember thinking more than once that I consciously knew that I was taking a leap.  I wasn't 100% sure how things would go.  I mean, marriage is kind of a leap in any situation, but in this case it was also moving to another country and becoming a stepmom.  That's a big leap.  But I also knew that I would rather take the leap than to be afraid and potentially live the rest of my life wondering "What if?"  Once I finally remembered that - and don't ask me why it took me so long to clue into that memory! - it was a huge boost.  It was a great personal reminder that, yes, I am that brave and I am that strong.  I want to live my life and take a certain amount of risk, and sometimes that's going to mean failing, but at least it means I tried.  And I know that I'll be OK.

Coming to that realization also made me feel better towards XM.  All this time whenever I thought about him, it always brought up that hurt and sadness.  Now... not so much.  I won't say that it's completely gone, esp. when I think about him being with that other chick, but I feel a little more friendly towards him.  We even texted back and forth a few times on Saturday, mostly about the football game.  So I guess I'm making progress!

I still haven't started back to work yet.  I really should, but I just don't want to yet.  At least a couple more days...

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Thursday, July 07, 2011

Period.  Blah.  Cramps.  Blah.  Lonely.  Blah.

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Tuesday, July 05, 2011


I just read this article about craving fatty foods.  I thought it was pretty interesting, so I'm passing it along.

Why we crave chips and fries

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