Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Merry Christmas!

I leave tomorrow to go to my mom's for Christmas.  I'm really looking forward to it.  I'll get to see Mom, Brother, a few other family members, as well as Meat and Jiffy and other friends.  Yay!

I hope you all have a wonderful, Merry Christmas!!

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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Second Guessing

I haven't been able to talk to Tim much lately.  We've spoken the last two days, in the evening, but that's been the first time in weeks.  He's been working on a military base where he has no cell usage during the day and his wife was with him, so we couldn't talk at night.

During that time, while we couldn't talk, I was doing a lot of thinking.  You know, part of why I was willing to stay in my marriage to XM even though I knew he was never going to fulfill my wants and needs was because I didn't want to be the kind of person who would break a promise just because it didn't turn out the way I wanted or expected.  I took vows and I took them seriously.

That being the case, what kind of person does it make me to be so casual about someone else's vows?

I started thinking that I should take a step back from my relationship with Tim.  I'll never lose touch with him entirely, nor do I want to.  For one thing, we are part of the same extended family, and I even email with his wife from time to time, so it's not like he'll ever be completely out of my life.  In addition to that, he and I promised from the start that if things ever needed to change between us, we would remain friends, and we've repeated that promised a few different times.  I really would want to stay in touch with him and have him be more of a "father figure" like I discussed in this previous post.

The problem is... sex.  Heck, isn't that always the problem?  Let me be frank - it's been more than a year and a half since I've had sex.  Since I've had anything.  As tempting as it is sometimes, especially lately, I'm just not the kind of girl who can casually hook up with random guys.  So as I was doing all this thinking about my relationship with Tim the last few weeks, the one thing that kept me from being completely sure and decisive about changing the nature of our relationship was - you guessed it - sex.

Once I heard from Tim again this week, I felt compelled to talk to him about this.  The fact that we are so completely open and honest with each other is just another reason why I love him.  I told him what I'd been thinking about and that, by not backing off now, I'd basically just be using him for sex whenever we did meet up.  He said he didn't think that was the case at all and that I'm not using him.  Granted, maybe there's a part of him that is kind of using me too.

In any case, I just can't bring myself to change our relationship yet.  I want to get fucked in the worst way and meeting up with Tim is the only way I see that happening any time soon.  I'm not sure why, but something in my gut tells me that after we meet up, things will change naturally.  I don't have a good reason for thinking that, but I do.  Maybe it's just that we both know we're not doing the right thing and once we give into it, we'll be able to give it up and let it go.

I hope it's that simple.  No one can make me the person I want to be but me.

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Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Self-Identity

Have any of you ever watched the show Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss?  I love all versions of the show, so I've been a loyal watcher of this one too.  For those who don't know what I'm talking about, it's a show about women searching for their wedding dress and this particular version is about plus-sized ladies.  There are a number of plus-sized women on this show (and in life in general) who are very proud and vocal about their size.

I am not one of those women.  

Back in September, when I was in Houston with my mom, visiting her youngest brother and his family, I had a conversation with my mom and uncle about his daughter, my cousin, who is 14.  She is pretty, smart, athletic, etc. but can we all agree that 14 is just an awkward age?  Especially for girls?  Anyway, my uncle was talking about trying to make sure that she had good self-esteem and wasn't overly wrapped up in appearances.  I mentioned how, despite always being overweight, I never seemed to have that issue as a teenager.  I thought it had to do with the fact that I knew appearances weren't everything and, more than that, I knew that I had a lot to offer.  I knew I was relatively smart, I knew I made people laugh, I knew that people liked being my friend and that they liked being around me.  That's not to say I never had my insecurities, but some other kid calling me fat just never bothered me much.  So I told my uncle that making sure that my cousin knowing she's good and enough as a person is, in my opinion, really important.

So how does all this fit together?

That was the question I'd been wondering about lately.  Why am I not one of those women who's "loud and proud" about my size?  

I pondered.

I came to the conclusion that being plus-sized is not part of how I see myself.  It's not part of my self-identity.  If you asked me to describe myself, I wouldn't likely include anything about my appearance unless you specifically asked.  Maybe it's because appearances aren't permanent.  Maybe it's because, to me, appearances aren't the important part.  Maybe there's something else to it.

I love that my size, my appearance, isn't part of my self-identity.  It's how it should be.  However, I think it also makes it easy for me to ignore that it's a problem.  I know I'll never have a terrific figure, and that's okay.  But I also know that being the weight I am now is not healthy.  

Now I just need to get off my big butt and do something about it!

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Friday, December 02, 2011

Pee Before You Read This

My friend Steve posted this on Facebook tonight.  Holy crap, one of the funniest things ever!  My stomach hurts and I couldn't breathe from laughing so hard!!!  Go to the bathroom or you will wet yourself because this is so stinkin' funny!!!

Damn You, Auto Correct! - The 25 Funniest Autocorrects of DYAC's First Year

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