Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Second Guessing

I haven't been able to talk to Tim much lately.  We've spoken the last two days, in the evening, but that's been the first time in weeks.  He's been working on a military base where he has no cell usage during the day and his wife was with him, so we couldn't talk at night.

During that time, while we couldn't talk, I was doing a lot of thinking.  You know, part of why I was willing to stay in my marriage to XM even though I knew he was never going to fulfill my wants and needs was because I didn't want to be the kind of person who would break a promise just because it didn't turn out the way I wanted or expected.  I took vows and I took them seriously.

That being the case, what kind of person does it make me to be so casual about someone else's vows?

I started thinking that I should take a step back from my relationship with Tim.  I'll never lose touch with him entirely, nor do I want to.  For one thing, we are part of the same extended family, and I even email with his wife from time to time, so it's not like he'll ever be completely out of my life.  In addition to that, he and I promised from the start that if things ever needed to change between us, we would remain friends, and we've repeated that promised a few different times.  I really would want to stay in touch with him and have him be more of a "father figure" like I discussed in this previous post.

The problem is... sex.  Heck, isn't that always the problem?  Let me be frank - it's been more than a year and a half since I've had sex.  Since I've had anything.  As tempting as it is sometimes, especially lately, I'm just not the kind of girl who can casually hook up with random guys.  So as I was doing all this thinking about my relationship with Tim the last few weeks, the one thing that kept me from being completely sure and decisive about changing the nature of our relationship was - you guessed it - sex.

Once I heard from Tim again this week, I felt compelled to talk to him about this.  The fact that we are so completely open and honest with each other is just another reason why I love him.  I told him what I'd been thinking about and that, by not backing off now, I'd basically just be using him for sex whenever we did meet up.  He said he didn't think that was the case at all and that I'm not using him.  Granted, maybe there's a part of him that is kind of using me too.

In any case, I just can't bring myself to change our relationship yet.  I want to get fucked in the worst way and meeting up with Tim is the only way I see that happening any time soon.  I'm not sure why, but something in my gut tells me that after we meet up, things will change naturally.  I don't have a good reason for thinking that, but I do.  Maybe it's just that we both know we're not doing the right thing and once we give into it, we'll be able to give it up and let it go.

I hope it's that simple.  No one can make me the person I want to be but me.

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