Sunday, February 26, 2012

This is me

Another secret that applies to me.

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Friday, February 24, 2012

Ginny's reply to me

Thank you for your email Suzy and I appreciate your thoughts. You are right, I have not been a good friend to you and for that, I am sorry. I never meant to make you feel as if you were not important to me. As for my relationships, I agree with you about some of that as well. I do feel that I would rather be "all-in" when in a relationship, instead of just "dating", to really give the relationship an honest shot. Yes, I am trying to find "the one", I want to get married again and have a family and guess I feel the time ticking rather quickly on me now that I'm 36. I'm sorry that you do not approve of my relationships and I do understand why you feel the way you do.

I'm not really sure where to go from here either. I do respect what you've said and yes, I probably should take some time to myself and just learn to be comfortable with who I am on my own. Thank you for all of your friendship over the past years. It seems I have a few demons to slay in my private world before I'm good to anyone.

I hope we can at least stay in touch. I hope your interview went well.

I received this a couple days ago.  I haven't replied.  I don't really know what to say.  It's like she understands and agrees, but I don't feel any confidence that it really means things would be different.  She's told me that she's not good at confrontation and doesn't like it, which makes me wonder if she's just trying to keep the peace as opposed to truly speaking her mind.  

Either way, until I feel like I have something to say and I'm not so annoyed, I'm just going to leave things be.  What do you all think?


Monday, February 20, 2012

Here's What I Emailed


I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying over the last few days about our friendship. I'm still not completely sure what happens next, but let me explain my thoughts so you know where I'm coming from.

You joked in your email about falling in love too fast, but at this point I don't find it all that funny. Bernie is now your fourth boyfriend in less than a year. He's also the second one that you've claimed could be "the one." You seem like you're in such a desperate rush to find a man to spend your life with and I honestly don't understand it. You literally run from one man to the next, never taking time to heal and never taking time to develop yourself as an individual, not as part of a couple. It worries me. To be blunt, I think it's unhealthy, and because I think that, I'm finding it really hard keep being supportive of your relationships. It's hard to think of not supporting one of my friends.

Because you jump from one man to the next, I also find it difficult to take these relationships seriously. So when our plans get canceled and I feel like I'm being blown off for one of your new relationships, it's hurtful. It's like being tossed aside for something that will be over in a few months. I know you don't think it will end in a few months, but that's the pattern lately, which is why I don't have a lot of faith in these relationships that you dive into head first. When it happened with Al, I just let it go, because it hadn't happened before and I knew you were excited about this new man. But now it's happening again and I guess I just don't have the patience for it this time. I'm not okay with being someone you hang out with when you don't have someone else you'd rather spend time with.

I think the other reason this is bothering me so much is because you jumping from one relationship to the next - whether those relationships are short or long - reminds me of my ex-husband. He's the exact same way. Like you, he's never really been single his entire adult life and he's always the one who ends things and moves on right away. Knowing what it feels like to be on the other end of that, it's hard to see you doing that to other people. I'm not saying you should stay with someone when it's wrong. But there's got to be a better way of going about things.

Jenny, I don't know what it is that drives you to rush into relationships with men like you do. Maybe you're afraid of being alone so you'll lower your standards just to have someone to be with. Maybe you're in a hurry to have the family that you want. Maybe you love that excitement and happiness that comes with new relationships and once the magic wears off, so does your interest. All I know is that it just doesn't seem smart or healthy to be in this pattern.

I don't want to lose you as a friend because I do love you and care about you. But I feel like maybe we need to take a little break just to think things over and let things settle a little. If you think that Bernie is the one for you, then I hope that he is. I want you to be content and to have what you want in life. If it turns out that he's not the man for you, I hope that you'll take time for yourself rather than throwing yourself into yet another relationship. I'm finding that being single really gives me the chance to develop myself and improve myself. That's not a bad thing.

I hope to hear from you to know what your thoughts are and where you think we should go from here. But if I don't, then that's your choice and I'll accept that. Either way, take care of yourself.

Love, Suzy

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Much Happening

My life has been relatively uneventful lately and now all of a sudden there's stuff!

First, a couple posts ago, I mentioned a job possibility.  As I said, I wasn't into the job initially.  After speaking with the woman who would be my boss, I'm actually pretty excited about it.  It's a brand new position because the company is growing.  There are still a few parts of the job that I'm not thrilled about, but most of it sounds really good, and that's enough for me.  The salary is good and because it's a new position there's room for it to grow and change, which is part of what I really like.  I spent nearly an hour on the phone with the possible boss and we have an interview Tuesday evening along with the boss of the people I'd be working with, to make sure I'd be a good fit.  I'm hopeful and excited.  I guess I'll find out soon enough!

Second, my friendship with Ginny is on the rocks.  I know I just blogged about this in my last post, so I won't re-hash everything.  She and I had plans to get together this past Saturday.  We haven't gotten together in a few weeks, for various reasons, so I was looking forward to hanging out for a while.  Then I get an email from her Saturday morning that she has to break our plans because her new boyfriend had taken off work to spend the weekend with her.  (Apparently he works up north and was supposed to go back on Friday.)  She felt bad about leaving him to hang out with me since he'd taken the time off.  So she was breaking our plans, although she thought she might be able to "sneak away" for a little time Sunday or Monday to hang out.  (Monday is a holiday in Alberta.)  Gee... thanks.

Suffice it to say that I'm ticked about this.  Once again, I'm being tossed aside for the new man.  Ginny thinks this new guy might be The One.  Nevermind that she thought the same thing about a different man six months - and two boyfriends - ago!  I'm not okay with being a friend when it's convenient for you.  Not only that, but Ginny is 36 and has literally never been single for her entire adult life.  Seriously.  That would be one thing if she'd been with one man all that time, but we know that's not the case.  I'm just fed up and I really don't know what to do.  I don't know how to be supportive of her at this point.

I called Mom tonight because I wanted to talk it over with someone before I reply to Ginny's email.  I might also call Meat tomorrow since I think she's been in some similar circumstances.  Mom was a good sounding board, as I knew she would be.  She offered a few different suggestions.  My main question at this point is what my next step is in terms of our friendship.  I think taking a little break will be the step, but I'm going to sit on it for another day.

If any of you, my lovely readers, have any thoughts or suggestions, I'm open to them.  This is a new situation for me and screwing it up could mean losing a friend altogether, which I'd like to avoid.  I think.

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Monday, February 13, 2012

I'm venting

I'm kinda pissed right now.  Confused.  Frustrated.  I don't even know what.  I haven't seen my friend Ginny in a couple weeks because she's been working like crazy and is now sick.  So we were going to hang out this past weekend, but I passed since I don't want to get sick as well.

This time last year Jenny was living with her then-boyfriend Jason.  She wasn't happy with him, but they'd been together for a few years and she was trying to give him the chance to change & make things better.  He didn't.  So Jenny moved out into her own place in mid-March.  This was the first time she'd ever lived by herself.  She was happy and excited about it.  I asked her about it on a few different occasions and she was enjoying living alone and having her own space.  (As do I.)  She said she was ready to be on her own and be single for a while.

Cue Boyfriend 1.

Ginny and Al started dating around mid-May, if I remember correctly.  Nice enough guy, I met him a couple times.  Ginny jumped in with both feet and was practically living with him before long.  Al even asked her to move in with him, but she held off.  Smart move considering that she broke up with him at the end of August.  In the end, it seemed like he wanted more of a "mom" than a girlfriend.

Cue Boyfriend 2.

When I left for my trip to TX back in Sept., Ginny was happy to be a single girl again.  Before I even get home, she's already got a couple dates lined up!  She dated a few different guys, but quickly settled into dating just John.  Nice enough guy, I met him a few times.  This time Ginny took things slower, knowing that she had jumped in too quickly with Al.  Things were going okay, but around the beginning of the year, I got the feeling that she was losing interest.  I was right.  She broke up with John about three weeks ago.  According to him, he was just completely "apathetic."  No goals, plans, anything.

Cue moving on very quickly...

Ginny had a dinner date a matter of DAYS after breaking up with John.  Now she just texted me a moment ago that she's going away with a guy for Valentine's Day and is play hooky from work on Wednesday.  And it's not even the same guy she had dinner with two weeks ago!!  She claims it's not going to be anything physical, but frankly, I don't buy it.

Am I jealous?  A little.  But I also don't get how she can just jump from one guy to the next when she keeps claiming that she wants to be single and really be comfortable with herself.  The only thing I can figure is that her biological clock is ticking too loudly for her to think clearly.  I know she really wants to be married and have a family and she's 36, so maybe she feels like she's running out of time.  I think it's more likely that she just doesn't know how to be alone.  I mean, if you're wanting some single time, why are you signing up on dating sites?

Anyway, I'm just peeved about the whole thing.  I don't know if I should say something or just leave it alone.  Probably just leave it alone.  I guess I just have trouble being supportive of her about this and I don't know how to NOT be supportive of my friends.  You know?

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Cookies & Work

I made my third batch of nonchocolate chip cookies yesterday.  Or maybe I should call them brown sugar cookies.  Either way, this time I used only one egg instead of two.  They're a little better, but still kind of fluffy.  So I really don't know what the deal is.  I used real butter this time instead of margarine.  I have two theories of what I might try.  One is that I might use less water and add in a little canola oil.  I'm using more water than the original recipe calls for because of the dryness, so that could be a factor.  The other thing is that using white Splenda as well as brown Splenda might be affecting the baking.  I don't think it's supposed to, but maybe it is.  I'm considering trying regular brown sugar, but it'll jack up my blood sugar, which I'm trying to avoid.  I mean, the cookies aren't bad now, so I might just try the oil (and maybe sticking the dough in the fridge for a bit) and leave it at that.  We'll see.

I've been looking for a job every day.  So far, no luck.  I've gotten a few calls, but it's all been for stuff that I'm not interested in.  Would you like to sell insurance?  Me neither.  The thing is... I'm about to run out of money.  Quickly.  And that's making me nervous.  I mean, if push comes to shove, I can get work.  I was just hoping to be able to find something that seems to be a good fit.  I got an email Friday evening from a woman about a Sales Assistant kind of position.  She included the job description and part of it sounds like reception work, which I don't want to do.  I replied and said I wasn't sure if I was the right fit, but that I'd be happy to meet with her to discuss it.  I'm supposed to call her tomorrow and then possibly meet with her next week.  So we'll see.

But it's all making me kind of anxious.

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Monday, February 06, 2012

A little help

For those of you who are good cooks, I need a little help.

For years, I've found that, when eating chocolate chip cookies, I actually prefer the "cookie" part more than the "chocolate" part.  I've thought about it before, but since I had a few eggs on hand that needed to be used, I decided to take a shot at making unchocolate chip cookies.  I went online, found a good recipe for CCC (choc chip cookies), and wrote it down without the chips.  I also figured that by making them myself, I could use Splenda instead of sugar and the cookies wouldn't send my blood sugar so high either.

My first attempt turned out badly.  See, Edmonton certainly isn't a desert, but it's a dry climate, especially during the winter.  I always forget that when it comes to baking, you have to adjust the recipe.  My mom first discovered this when trying to make pie crust while visiting here.  The CCC recipe called for 3 cups of flour.  I only put in 2.5 and even then it was too much.  The cookies came out dry, crumbly, and not all that sweet.

My second attempt was better.  I only used 2 cups of flour and added a little more hot water.  The consistency of the batter seemed okay, so I stuck a bunch in the oven.  They're mostly okay.  But they're a little... airy.  Spongy.  They could maybe use a wee bit more brown sugar, but the taste is fairly good.  I don't like the texture, though.  

So here's my question: how do I make them less spongy?  More liquid?  Less baking soda?  I don't know enough about baking to figure this out, so any help is greatly appreciated!!

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