Monday, January 28, 2013

Missing submission

I don't know how many of you watch, or even have the option to watch, the OWN network. I do, and there's a few shows that I quite like. One of them is "Our America" with Lisa Ling. She explores different groups or aspects of people's lives that maybe the majority of us don't know much about. For example, she did a show on nuns in America, and another one about veterens struggling with adapting back to life after the military. I find that these shows are always interesting and she presents different sides without pushing a side or agenda.

The latest show dealt with BDSM. I think I've mentioned before on this blog, but perhaps not, so let me say quite clearly - pain in any significant form is not a turn on for me. I like a little smack on the ass, a little hair pulling, etc. But I don't want to be flat out whipped. I don't want a bunch of bruises. I got a few scratches from XM on occasion, and that was hot, but the scratches weren't deep enough to draw blood or anything.

Anyway, watching this episode of "Our America" made me realize how long it's been since I've had... well, almost anything. But mainly, just how long it's been since I've been in a position where I could submit. Someone once told me that they didn't think I was really a sub and that I shouldn't try to be one. I thought they were wrong then, and I feel it again now. Maybe I'm not an extreme submissive, but I do think that it's part of me. I think I will always be drawn to men who (respectfully) take control. And realizing how long it's been since I've been able to experience that just made me ache for it. I really miss submitting.

I don't know how long it will be before I'm able to do it again. Even if I met the right man tomorrow, it still takes some real time to get to that point. But I definitely want it again, whether it's spelled out or if it's just the nature of our relationship. Someday, I want to be able to submit again.

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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Winter Sucks

Winters up here are never, ever easy.  They're long and cold and dark.  I usually manage to survive without too much trouble.

This year is different.

I don't know why, but the past few weeks have just kicked my butt.  It started with getting the flu a few days after I got back from my trip.  I'd gotten my flu shot in October, but I guess this strain wasn't part of the shot.  And it really knocked me out of commission.  I woke up that Thursday with a sore throat and stuffy head, but I still went to work that day.  I made it through the day, but came straight home and crawled right into bed.  I stayed home the entire next four days except for one quick trip to the store to get orange juice and cough drops.  I was really miserable for those few days.

I mostly recovered quicker than I expected, considering how badly I felt.  But I still feel rather run down.  Like I just can't get any energy.  Ugh.

The weather has been crappy.  It's just cold and snowy.  I hate shoveling and I keep having to do it.  We're slowly getting more daylight, but it's still dark a lot of the time.

I just feel blah a lot of the time.  I don't know why this year is worse.  Harder.

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Thursday, January 10, 2013

My vacation

I got home from my trip a couple days ago. This vacation was... a lot. It was fun, interesting, frustrating, smoky, exciting, and eye-opening. I'm sure there are even more adjectives I could use. I feel like I'm still trying to sort it all out in my head. And let me say now that at a couple points in this post there might be a little TMI.

Mom and I met up at the airport and then drove 4.5 hours to get to Tim and Ann's house, so we didn't arrive there until 10:30 PM. (Let me state or maybe restate that I will purposely be kind of vague about where this was, since I don't want to cause any trouble for Tim.) We were both exhausted, since we'd both had to get up in the wee hours of the morning. Tim was out the door to greet us before we'd even gotten out of the car. He is a big man at 6'6 and not skinny, and as Mom and I joked about later, you literally get swallowed up in a hug from him. Of course, I loved it, but I couldn't really tell her that. Being the gentleman that he is, he carried our bags into the house and Ann was there waiting for us. Both of them look the same, just older, which is probably how they felt about Mom and me. I mean, it's been nearly ten years since we've seen them and they us.

We stayed up and visited for a little while and at one point Tim and I were in the kitchen alone. The kitchen is the hub of activity at their house, so I don't know where Mom and Ann were at that moment. But Tim was saying something to me when he just stopped and said, "I can't believe you're actually here and I'm talking to you." Then he gave me a big hug and a kiss. I thought it was kind of funny and sweet.

Tim and Ann live in a really unique house out in the country. It's a big square with a lovely courtyard in the middle. The square is actually divided into two parts and each part is really its own house. You have to take a few steps outside to go from one side to the other. Apparently at one point at least part of the house was a stage coach stop! So it's old and different and I think it's one of the coolest houses ever. Anyway, Tim and Ann have three grown sons and their middle son (Jason) and his family live in the other side of the house. Both sides have a kitchen, living room, and multiple bed and bathrooms, so the families don't have to "overlap" if they don't want to, although Jason and his son often came over for breakfast and coffee.

Sunday we had a leisurely morning getting ready, then the four of us went to church and lunch in town. We had originally planned on doing a couple other things, but one of my contacts was driving me absolutely nuts, so I requested that we go home so I could take my contacts out. I think we just kind of hung out at home that afternoon, but Tim, Mom, and I went back into town that evening to pick up some things at Wal-Mart. I know it sounds crazy, but it was a fun little trip to the store.

Tim and Ann's oldest son, Trace, had taken a few of the older grandkids and some of their friends skiing that day. They got back to the house that evening, so we got to visit with Trace and meet his middle daughter. Let me tell you, that girl is TALL!! She's over 6 feet tall and plays volleyball. Apparently she's pretty good at it too, so who knows, maybe I'll get to watch her in the Olympics some day! Anyway, I haven't seen Trace since I was a kid and he said he didn't really even remember me, so it was cool to get to spend a little time with him. He and his daughter spent the night (she stayed on the other side with her cousins), so I got to visit with Trace a little more in the morning before they left to go home. They live about an hour and a half from Tim and Ann.

Monday after breakfast, Tim offered to take Mom and I each out on the their ATV. Mom wasn't interested, but I'm always up for an adventure! Besides, it would be fun to ride around with Tim.

When I left to go on this vacation, I swear I had every intention of behaving and not doing anything inappropriate with Tim. I really, really did. But there's a reason that people say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I rode behind Tim on the ATV, so my legs were kind of splayed out on either side of him and my arms were wrapped around him (as far as they would reach) so I could hang on. We didn't go all that far, just a little ways away from the house and then up a hill. At the top of the hill was a monitoring well that Tim wanted to check, which he did. Then he looked at me sitting there like a dork with my legs sticking out and said, "You're so cute." And he kissed me. Not the quick peck like when we arrived but a tongue-in-my-mouth kind of kiss. And I kissed him back. And then some.

I am such a bad girl.

Can I add that it's been two and a half years since I've had any action of any kind? That it felt good to be kissed and groped? That it felt really, really good to have a hard cock in my hand again?

I know, I know. I'm totally doing the wrong thing.

We didn't stay too long and we did talk a little about the hills around their house, which are owned by one of the mines, so they have some funky colors and stuff going on. It's actually pretty cool. When we drove back down the hill, Mom was out on the porch with her camera, so she took a couple shots of Tim and I on the ATV and I know I was just grinning like a Cheshire cat. Can't wait to see those pictures! HA!

Originally, Tim and Ann's youngest son, JT, was going to come visit with his family Sunday night but then decided to come Monday (New Year's Eve) instead. In figuring out what to do with the day, Mom and I each had a stop we wanted to make in town and there's a viewpoint for one of the big mines near there that Tim wanted to show us. However, we weren't sure what time JT and his family were coming and Ann wasn't ready anyway, so just the three of us headed out again. They dropped me at the local yarn store - of course that was my stop! - and Tim and Mom went to Radio Shack since she couldn't find the charger for her camera. After they picked me up, we ate a late lunch at a little Mexican place. The service was crap, but the food was really good. The taco I had there was seriously the best taco I've ever eaten. Ever. After lunch was when we drove around a little for Tim to show us this big pit just outside of town at a copper mine. I think it's one of the deepest pits there is, but you can't actually see all the way down, so you wouldn't know it to look at it. But it was still kind of neat.

JT, his wife, and their four kids came a little before supper that evening. We'd had dinner with them on our last trip there also, but at that time, they just had two little ones. I was surprised at how well JT remembered us, considering that it's been 9.5 years. He's funny and talkative, but asks questions about us too. Their kids are all learning an instrument and had brought them so that they could play a little, except for the youngest who's only five and has just barely started learning the violin. All four of those kids (a girl and three boys) are really cute and sweet. Good kids. It was fun spending the evening with that family. And we were in bed before midnight, so no wild New Year's celebrating for us!

Tuesday morning started with another yummy breakfast. Every morning that we were at their house, except for the morning we left, Tom and sometimes Ann made breakfast that involved stuff like eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, pancakes, and potatoes. It wasn't all of that in one morning, but some combination of those things. YUM!!

At some point that day - early afternoon, I think - Tom and I left to go see a water pipeline that Jason was putting in to get water to his cattle better. It was a beautiful sunny day, cool, but not cold. I was so happy to soak up some sunshine! We drove out to the middle of nowhere and... well... we were like two teenagers fooling around. What is it about this man that makes me unable to say no? More kissing and groping ensued. Not to be all Bill Clinton about it, but we did not have sex at any time. Doesn't mean there wasn't any cum involved though...

After we settled down a little, Tim called Jason to find out where he was and I was just leaning against him while they talked. It was really nice. Comfortable. Quite frankly, I didn't want it to end.

But it did and we drove back a ways to meet Jason. The pipeline is really nothing to see. Just some bits come out of the ground in a trench that he'd dug. I did enjoy just standing outside in the sun and comfortable weather. Jason seems to me to be relatively soft-spoken and not incredibly talkative, but we chatted a bit while Tim took another phone call. I didn't know that Jason and his son had made a trip to Alaska a while back to go fishing, so we just talked about traveling and stuff like that. After about 20 or 30 minutes, Tim and I left in his truck to drive back to the house. He reached over and held my hand the whole way while we were talking about the land we were on. Again, just comfortable.

I don't really remember what else happened on Tuesday. I think that was the night that Mom made corn chowder for supper. Jason joined us for the meal and he was wearing flannel pants that had red and green chiles all over them. Don't really think of a cowboy wearing those, do ya?

Originally Mom and I had planned to leave Wednesday morning to drive back to the city that we flew into. Mom didn't want to overstay our welcome and there's more to do in the city than a small-ish town. But Tim and Ann convinced us to stay another day, so we didn't leave until Thursday morning. Mom and I went with RuThan to her job in town. Earlier this year they bought a trailer park which was/is in really bad shape and they're trying to fix it up. So the three of us ladies were there for a few hours while Tim did some running around that he needed to do. Once they were both finished with their business side of things, we ate lunch at a different Mexican place. (I was trying to get a good dose of Mexican food while I was there, since it's practically non-existant this far north.) The food was pretty good there too, so I had no complaints.

After lunch we did some driving around. We went through this little area that used to be a hospital with houses and such all around for the hospital staff. But a couple years ago it was discovered that there was asbestos in all the buildings, so it's all been left behind. It's like a recent ghost town. We also drove out to the City of Rocks, which is a little national park about 45 minutes from their home. It's really cool-looking. I wish we'd had more time there, but by the time we got there, we didn't have much daylight left. I would've liked to have walked around a little among the rocks, but we just didn't have the chance. I got some cool pictures, though, so maybe I'll post a couple later.

We picked up a little supper on the way home and just spent the evening talking and then packing up for Mom and I to leave the next day. Our departing was made easier by the fact that Tim and Ann were going to join us the day after (Friday), so it wasn't a long-term good-bye at that point. It was also made easier by the fact that getting out of their house meant better breathing for Mom and me. Both Tim and Ann are fairly heavy smokers, and they also heat part of their home with a wood stove, so there was just smoke galore. I liked the smell of the wood stove - like a campfire - but there was so much cigarette smoke around that it literally made my hair greasy. Straight out of the shower, my hair would still be all oily and gross. This is why I mentioned at the beginning that the trip was smoky.

Mom and I didn't get going as early as I'd hoped on Thursday and it was actually snowing for part of our drive, although the roads were still fine. We were headed to a wildlife preserve that's about 45 minutes south of the big city, then spend the night in a little town in between the preserve and the city, which is exactly what we did. Unfortunately, because we got a late start to the day, we were kind of rushed at the preserve because, once again, we were running out of daylight. It doesn't help that it was kind of cloudy. But we still got to see some cool animals and it was kind of pretty there. There were tons of birds, lots of sandhill cranes, so it definitely didn't feel like a wasted trip.

Tim and Ann were supposed to meet us around lunch time on Friday, but they were running late, partly because of their own doing and partly because there had been more snow and so the roads were slow-going. Snow in that part of the country is pretty rare, especially for it to stick and collect up to five inches! So the drive took them longer than expected. Mom and I had kind of a snack lunch, did a little shopping, and got checked into our other hotel on the north side of the city.

I think Tim and Ann arrived around 3:30 or so, and once they were checked in, we left again immediately. They'd wanted to take us on a tramway that goes to the top of a mountain on the edge of the city and once we learned that they were running late, Mom and I made reservations to have dinner at the restaurant on top of the mountain. So that's what we did! We had timed it just right too, to be at our table and watch the sun set behind the hills. It was beautiful. It was also cold. They said on the tram ride to the top that it was 8-10 F (which I think would be around -10 C) and the wind was fierce up there, so you can imagine how cold it felt! But it was still fun and I'm really glad that we went.

After we came back down the mountain, Tim just drove us around for a while. They'd spent several months in this city a couple years ago because of doing some work there, so they were relatively familiar with it and showed us some highlights. Unfortunately, Ann's smoker's cough was also a highlight.

Saturday morning we left to head about an hour northeast to the state capital, which has some cool things to see. We took a bit of a detour to go see a tiny little town which takes about five minutes to drive through - and that's if you're not going very fast. You're probably wondering why we would go see such a little town. Well, it wasn't too far out of the way and there was some nice scenery around it. Oh, and it was featured in a movie a few years back. A movie with John Travolta and Tim Allen. And motorcycles. If you really want to know, you can probably figure it out from that.

Anyway, we went to the old plaza in the capital. We ate lunch at this little French crepe place. The food was quite tasty, although I wouldn't want to eat there often. There's a lot of shops in that area that overcharge for everything, but I found a few things in a little shop that were reasonable enough that I didn't feel like I was getting completely screwed. So other than yarn and bras (because of a gift card), the only things I bought on this trip were a hand-crafted mug, a Christmas tree ornament that was on sale, and locally made tea. On one side of the plaza is an area where only full-blooded Indians are allowed to set up shop and sell their hand-crafted wares. It's mostly jewelry - a lot of copper, silver, and turquoise. I almost bought a pair of copper earrings, but then Mom asked something about polishing them, so I passed. I don't want earrings that I have to polish. There were a lot of pretty things there to buy, but nothing I really felt compelled to spend the money on. We also went to see the "miracle staircase," which is a spiral wooden staircase in a little chapel that is built completely without nails. No one can quite explain how it was built and supposedly it was crafted by some anonymous person that just showed up, built it, and then left. Or something like that.

After we did all the shopping and sight-seeing that we wanted to do, and with a stop at Sonic for drinks, we left the capital and headed back to the big city. We drove around a little more, then headed to dinner. Tim and Ann had a specific place they wanted to take us, a Brazilian steak house downtown. Tim had actually told me about it a couple times on our phone conversations, so I was really looking forward to it because it sounded pretty cool. And it was!! There's all these guys running around with different types of food on skewers and they bring them to your table so you can have some of everything. Then there's a big food bar in the middle with salad, fruit, breads, stuff like that. It was all pretty good, but the meat on the skewers was really good. I think we all stuffed our faces like there was no tomorrow. I had a lot of fun eating there!

Tim and Ann dropped us back at the hotel after dinner. They had already checked out and were going to be driving to a town just south of the nature preserve that Mom and I had visited. Tim was having to get back to work and that town is one of the bases of operation for them. So that was the end of the line for our time together. Since all four of us were there, Tim and I couldn't really say anything to each other outside of the usual stuff, although I did manage to whisper, "Call me sometime." He said he would, and he already has.

The next morning, Sunday, was no big thing. Mom and I actually went to church on our way to the airport, but we had to duck out early in order to get there in time. Mom's flight was a few hours before mine, so I had plenty of time to hang out in the airport. My trip home was not exciting and once I landed back in Edmonton, it was kind of aggrevating, but that's not a story worth telling. I'll just say that taking Monday off work as well was a really smart thing for me to do, since I didn't actually walk in the door at home until 2 AM!

So the trip overall was good, but I'm walking away with a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. Here's the thing that I haven't mentioned yet: Ann is different, changed, from how I remember her. I mean, she's still mostly the same, but she seems to have a bit of a mean streak going now. She's always been sarcastic - like a lot of us are - but now her sarcasm carries barbs with it. And, sadly, most of those barbs are directed at Tim. It honestly breaks my heart. I actually cried a little one night (alone, in private) because it killed me to see him being treated that way. Granted, the two of them have gone through a lot of crap in the last ten years. Ann's mom - my great-aunt - died a few years ago and she still seems to have a hard time with that. The two of them dealt with, and to an extent are still dealing with, some major financial issues that mainly happened around the time of our last visit. Ann stated herself that she was diagnosed with "profound depression." That's just a lot of stuff going on, so I'm not necessarily surprised that she's been changed by it all. I just hate the way in which the change is coming out.

Initially, I thought maybe I was just over-sensitive to it, caring for Tim like I do, and maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. But when Mom and I left to drive to the city, she actually brought it up and we talked about it. I realized that she saw it the same way I did, so I knew it wasn't just me. And while Tim isn't her only target - I felt like even I got a couple - he is, by far, the biggest one. Part of what gets to me about it is that Tim treats her better than I've ever seen any husband treat their wife. I'm not exaggerating when I say that. He does everything for her and she doesn't seem to appreciate it at all, like she just expects it. Maybe she does at this point, I don't know.

Mom told me that Ann actually made the comment to her that she has to make sure that she doesn't emasculate Tim. Mom said she had to bite her tongue at that one. Seems to me (and Mom) that Ann has already crossed that line. There was one comment that just about made me reach over and smack Ann upside the head. She was talking about how she hates being cold (which we already knew since she complained about the cold CONSTANTLY) and told us that even when she rolls over in bed and some of the covers fall off her shoulder, she can't stand the cold air on her. She said that she wakes up Tim for him to pull the covers up over her again. Um... what? WHAT?! I couldn't believe it, and Mom told me later that she couldn't either. Can you not pull up your own freakin' covers?  You have to wake up your husband to do it for you? What do you think the rest of us do when we roll over? Clearly, Ann wasn't thinking about the fact that she's saying this (and a lot of other things) to a widow and a divorcee!

When I talked to Tim on Monday night, I told him how much some of Ann's comments bothered me. It probably wasn't my place and probably shouldn't have said anything, but he and I are just so honest with each other and I hated the thought of him just taking all those barbs. I knew that it was going to be hard to see him with his wife. I didn't know I was going to have to sit there and watch his wife treat him poorly. I asked Tim if it bothers him or if he can just kind of ignore it. He said a lot of the time he can ignore it, but he says something to her when it bothers him... but then that's usually when they get in a fight. I didn't dwell on the topic because it didn't seem like Tim really wanted to talk about it, but I wanted him to know that he doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

After spending some time with them and seeing how Ann treats Tim these days, I think it kind of fills in some blanks for me. I think it makes more sense to me why he would even want to have any kind of relationship with me outside of the regular family stuff. He's probably happy to have a female in his life who doesn't emasculate him, who doesn't expect all these things from him, who just wants his time when he can spare it and will leave it at that, knowing that more is not really an option. Maybe I'm making it too easy for him, but the truth is that, even if Tim suddenly became single, I can't see myself having a real relationship with him. For one thing, I just couldn't live with someone who smoked. He's also only two years younger than my mom, and all of his kids are older than I am. So maybe this is easy for both of us because there aren't a lot of expectations involved. Either way, it's complicated.

So after all that babbling, I think that's the story of my vacation. Mom said that she'd be happy to meet up with Tim and Ann somewhere, but that she doesn't think she could handle staying in their house again because of the smoke. I tend to feel the same, although I love their house and think it's really cool. So that makes me a bit sad. Since the last two times we've seen them have been when we go there, Mom said she feels kind of like the ball is in their court in terms of getting together again. She did throw out the idea of meeting up somewhere, them coming to Ohio, or even if they came to the Canadian Rockies, she could fly up here too. One of the things I love about my mom is that she's just as invested in my dad's side of the family as she is hers. It makes me feel like I don't have to choose or play favourites.

I just don't want to wait another ten years to see Tim again.

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