Monday, February 25, 2013

Feel the Burn

As I think I've mentioned before, I started taking a class at this conditioning place back in August. It was just once a week, and the class was sort of a boxing-themed class. I say boxing-themed because it was basically a circuit work-out and one or two of the stations were punching - either hitting the trainers hands while he wore mitts and/or punching a dummy. (We called the dummy Bob. Boxing Bob.) I really enjoyed this class, but sadly, it was canceled towards the end of the year because there weren't enough people showing up. This place is kind of small, not like a regular gym, so they only look to have 5 - 10 people in a class, and we weren't getting even that many.

Fortunately, they created a new class to take its place. This class was even going to be offered twice a week instead of just once. It was a Beginner HIIT class. (If you don't know what HIIT is, well, use Goggle.) This conditioning studio offers several regular HIIT classes, but I've known all along that I'm not up to that level, so I was really happy about this class, feeling like it would fit me better. It started at the beginning of the year and while it started off with several people, it didn't last long. I was showing up on both days that the class was offered and there were several times when I was the only one or there was only one other person.

It didn't take long for me to start getting concerned that this class was going to be canceled like the boxing class was. When I asked the class trainer about it last week, he said that it was likely going to get canceled. So the next day (just this past Thursday), I emailed the two owners, who are also trainers, about the class. I essentially said that I really liked the class and the studio, I didn't feel that I was up to the level of the regular HIIT class, and that if there was anything they could do to get more people in the Beginner class, I would really appreciate it. I even offered my help if they could think of any way I could help.

The reply I received a few hours later was basically said that the class is going to be canceled and that I should just join the regular HIIT class because the exercises can be scaled to fit whatever level people are on. There was more to the reply that didn't make sense to me and that I honestly think is just a bunch of BS.

I'm sad and I'm disappointed. I really liked going to this place even though it's completely out of the way for me. The atmosphere there is good. It feels like a community, and people are all supporting each other, which is tough to find at a regular gym. Even though I'm heavier and way more out of shape than just about everyone else there, I've never had anyone look at me like I'm gross or I don't belong. Truth is, trainers and other clients have always been really nice and welcoming. All except one of the owners... the same one who replied to my email. I don't know him much at all, and I definitely don't think he's a bad guy, but it seems like every time I'm around him, I get a more negative vibe from him. I think he's incredibly focused, but I'm started to wonder if his focus is a little off.

Anyway, my last class there is on Wednesday. I'm sad that I won't get to work with Steve any more. He's the only trainer I've ever worked with; I feel like we've developed a good rapport and that he's definitely helped me to at least get started on this journey. If I could afford to just see him as a personal trainer, I definitely would, but I don't have that kind of money. So I have to find somewhere else to go.

There's a new gym opening near me in the next few weeks. It's a Canadian chain. I belonged a gym (a different chain) for a couple years when I was still with XM. I started off well, being motivated and going at least a couple times a week. But, like so many people, that didn't last long. After this last experience, I've decided that I can't just belong to a gym. I need a class or a trainer or something else to keep me a little more accountable. So I'm hoping that this new gym will have a class or two that I'll like and can be a part of. The good news about having to find a new place is that it will be significantly closer and will very likely be cheaper than the conditioning studio that I'm about to leave.

Funny thing is, having to leave this place that I've really liked just seems like one more indicator that maybe my time in Edmonton should be ending...

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Monday, February 18, 2013

Feed the good dog

Heard this a few days ago on a promo for a TV show:
Inside every person are two dogs, always fighting with each other.  One is good, one is evil.  You know which one wins?  The one you feed more.

Powerful little story, yes?  As you all know, ever since I came back from my trip, I've been really torn over my relationship with Tim.  Wanting to do the right thing, wanting to be involved with him.

I decided to feed the good dog.

Tim called tonight.  It's the first time in a week that I've heard from him.  We talked for a while about different things.  Then I told him the same little story I heard in the promo that I related above.  He really liked that story.  I told him that I wanted to feed the good dog.  I told him that, while none of us are perfect, there's nothing wrong with trying to better ourselves.  I'm always working on trying to be the person I want to be, the person I know I can and should be.  And that means that I don't want to be the other woman, the mistress.  I also don't want to help someone else be unfaithful to their wife.  I told him that, in the end, he and I both know better.

Tim, of course, agreed and was okay with it.  I mean, we've had this conversation before.  And we didn't cross any lines until we actually saw each other.  I don't know, maybe actually being around him will always provoke some temptation, at least as long as I'm single.  I love Tim and always will, although I've never been IN love with him.  I still feel very strongly that I want to keep him in my life.  I feel incredibly comfortable with him and we have great conversations.  Our cover story was always going to be that he was playing a father figure role in my life, and I'd kind of like that to be true.  I can imagine having a potential new husband and taking him out to see Tim & his family, let him and his sons give him a bit of a hard time.  See if this possible mate can pass muster, you know?  :-)

Anyway, I consider Tim to be a really good friend.  I don't want to lose my relationship with him, but I really have to do the right thing as much as I can.  Gotta feed the good dog.

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Thursday, February 07, 2013

Incredibly Awkward Moment of the Day

One of my coworkers, Angie, had a problem with her computer today and it wasn't something that we could fix ourselves. Our company has a third party IT company (which mainly seems to be one guy) that handles all the computer stuff that we can't. So my coworker submitted an email request this morning when she discovered the problem and the IT guy, Paul, called this afternoon to sort it out. He spoke with Angie for a little while, but shortly after he hung up with her, he called me. He needed some info, like our IP address, in order to finish fixing Angie's computer.

Now, in my time here, we've had repeated issued with one of our printers not connecting or cooperating with our server, so I've had multiple conversations with Paul in the past. As a result, he and I have a bit of a rapport and have joked around with each other some before. He's also given me many instructions in the process of getting these various issues sorted out.

Today, part way through our conversation, I was saving a file on my desktop but Paul was talking about using it on Angie's computer.

Suzy: Paul, maybe I'm an idiot, but how does saving this file on my desktop help with Angie's computer?

Paul: Sorry, I didn't explain. Once it finishes on your computer, you'll transfer to Angie's and install in there.

Suzy: Oh! OK, now I've got it.

Paul: (chuckling) I usually just tell you what to do and you do it. I'm not used to dealing with such an obedient woman.

Suzy: Well, I'm unusual that way.

*crickets chirping*

Suzy: So... uh... when this finishes downloading, I'll save it to my USB key?

I have never been so thankful that someone couldn't see me blushing over the phone.

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Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Man vs Self

Since coming back from my trip over New Year's, I've been doing more thinking about moving back to the States. Now, there's a lot of things that would have to fall into place for that to happen, so don't get too worked up about it. It's just more on my mind, and maybe more of a possibility, than it used to be.

Ever since XM and I split up, I'm always considering where I would move to if I did move back to the States. I'm always looking around when I go places to see if it's a place I'd want to live. I've lived enough different places that I've got quite a list of what I want and I what I don't in whatever place I live. Population, weather, proximity to family, even time zone are all things that I take into account.

So when I was on vacation, I was paying at least vague attention to the places we went, mainly the city that Mom and I flew in and out of. I think I could see myself living there. There's maybe only one or two other cities that I think would fit the bill, so that's kind of a big deal.

I talked to Tim a couple days ago and told him what I was thinking about. Part of what would affect my decision is if he didn't want me to live there. I specifically asked if he thought it would be too hard, too tempting, or if I'd be putting him in a bad spot if I were to live in that city. He said no, and that he'd love it if I were there. He basically said that things tend to happen between he and I, and he'd be open to that if I lived there as long as I wanted it too.

Oy.

I spend hours every day debating with myself about all of this. I'm not exaggerating. I am so torn between possibly living in a city that has so much of what I want, and knowing that I am maybe putting myself and someone else in a very risky situation. Tim has always told me - and I firmly believe him - that if I ever said "no" about anything, then that's that. We'd just be friends, part of the same extended family, and that's all. In fact, he repeated that when we spoke the other day. So I know that if the situation ever got to be too much, I could stop it at any time.

But what if I can't make myself say no? And what if we wreck his marriage and all of our family in the process?

I had a thought yesterday. All this time, I've always thought of myself as a "good girl." But what if I'm really not? What if it's just been fear and/or a lack of opportunity that's kept me from doing things I shouldn't? What if, right now, I'm proving what kind of person I am by making the wrong choice, with my eyes wide open?

Let me give you an example. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24. Good girl, right? Except that in all the time leading up to that, there was only one other guy who even tried to have sex with me. It's not hard to withstand one guy that you're not even attracted to. So, again, was it me being good, or just a lack of opportunity?

I really and truly have no idea what I'm going to do or what will happen next.

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