Man vs Self
Ever since XM and I split up, I'm always considering where I would move to if I did move back to the States. I'm always looking around when I go places to see if it's a place I'd want to live. I've lived enough different places that I've got quite a list of what I want and I what I don't in whatever place I live. Population, weather, proximity to family, even time zone are all things that I take into account.
So when I was on vacation, I was paying at least vague attention to the places we went, mainly the city that Mom and I flew in and out of. I think I could see myself living there. There's maybe only one or two other cities that I think would fit the bill, so that's kind of a big deal.
I talked to Tim a couple days ago and told him what I was thinking about. Part of what would affect my decision is if he didn't want me to live there. I specifically asked if he thought it would be too hard, too tempting, or if I'd be putting him in a bad spot if I were to live in that city. He said no, and that he'd love it if I were there. He basically said that things tend to happen between he and I, and he'd be open to that if I lived there as long as I wanted it too.
I spend hours every day debating with myself about all of this. I'm not exaggerating. I am so torn between possibly living in a city that has so much of what I want, and knowing that I am maybe putting myself and someone else in a very risky situation. Tim has always told me - and I firmly believe him - that if I ever said "no" about anything, then that's that. We'd just be friends, part of the same extended family, and that's all. In fact, he repeated that when we spoke the other day. So I know that if the situation ever got to be too much, I could stop it at any time.
But what if I can't make myself say no? And what if we wreck his marriage and all of our family in the process?
I had a thought yesterday. All this time, I've always thought of myself as a "good girl." But what if I'm really not? What if it's just been fear and/or a lack of opportunity that's kept me from doing things I shouldn't? What if, right now, I'm proving what kind of person I am by making the wrong choice, with my eyes wide open?
Let me give you an example. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24. Good girl, right? Except that in all the time leading up to that, there was only one other guy who even tried to have sex with me. It's not hard to withstand one guy that you're not even attracted to. So, again, was it me being good, or just a lack of opportunity?
I really and truly have no idea what I'm going to do or what will happen next.