Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Man vs Self

Since coming back from my trip over New Year's, I've been doing more thinking about moving back to the States. Now, there's a lot of things that would have to fall into place for that to happen, so don't get too worked up about it. It's just more on my mind, and maybe more of a possibility, than it used to be.

Ever since XM and I split up, I'm always considering where I would move to if I did move back to the States. I'm always looking around when I go places to see if it's a place I'd want to live. I've lived enough different places that I've got quite a list of what I want and I what I don't in whatever place I live. Population, weather, proximity to family, even time zone are all things that I take into account.

So when I was on vacation, I was paying at least vague attention to the places we went, mainly the city that Mom and I flew in and out of. I think I could see myself living there. There's maybe only one or two other cities that I think would fit the bill, so that's kind of a big deal.

I talked to Tim a couple days ago and told him what I was thinking about. Part of what would affect my decision is if he didn't want me to live there. I specifically asked if he thought it would be too hard, too tempting, or if I'd be putting him in a bad spot if I were to live in that city. He said no, and that he'd love it if I were there. He basically said that things tend to happen between he and I, and he'd be open to that if I lived there as long as I wanted it too.

Oy.

I spend hours every day debating with myself about all of this. I'm not exaggerating. I am so torn between possibly living in a city that has so much of what I want, and knowing that I am maybe putting myself and someone else in a very risky situation. Tim has always told me - and I firmly believe him - that if I ever said "no" about anything, then that's that. We'd just be friends, part of the same extended family, and that's all. In fact, he repeated that when we spoke the other day. So I know that if the situation ever got to be too much, I could stop it at any time.

But what if I can't make myself say no? And what if we wreck his marriage and all of our family in the process?

I had a thought yesterday. All this time, I've always thought of myself as a "good girl." But what if I'm really not? What if it's just been fear and/or a lack of opportunity that's kept me from doing things I shouldn't? What if, right now, I'm proving what kind of person I am by making the wrong choice, with my eyes wide open?

Let me give you an example. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24. Good girl, right? Except that in all the time leading up to that, there was only one other guy who even tried to have sex with me. It's not hard to withstand one guy that you're not even attracted to. So, again, was it me being good, or just a lack of opportunity?

I really and truly have no idea what I'm going to do or what will happen next.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd be ready to get out of that cold weather!!

February 06, 2013 10:10 AM  
Blogger Bearette said...

I think moving to the States is a great idea. But it might not be such a good idea to be so close to Tim...even if it doesn't ruin their marriage, it might get in the way of you meeting an available guy. And you would probably feel increasingly guilty over time. Just things to think about.

February 06, 2013 3:49 PM  
Blogger This Suzy said...

You know, I'm not concerned about not meeting a guy bc of Tim. We've talked about it and know that it would change things between us. And he wants me to find someone that I can really build a life with.

However, I think you're right about the guilt.

And I'm definitely ready to be done with these winters!

February 07, 2013 8:10 PM  

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