Saturday, April 26, 2014

Is this all there is?

Still not much to blog about, which I suppose means my life is fairly boring.  The most dramatic thing in my life right now is a possible mid-life crisis, but it's not exactly a thrilling thing.

I keep having this feeling like... is this all there is?  For a long time in my life, it felt like there were always possibilities, sometimes endless ones.  There were always adventures to be had.  New people and places.  And now?  Now I know that the possibilities are not endless.  So many "could've been's" are now "never will be's."

I think part of my struggle is feeling, deeply, that I will probably never get remarried.  It's not that I don't want to - quite the opposite, in fact.  It's just knowing that that's not how my life goes.  I've only ever had one real romantic-type relationship in my life, and that was with XM.  We all know how that turned out.  I never had boyfriends, because the boys were never interested.  The truth is that I've never even had a real first date.  Never.

So how can I have any expectation of ever finding someone who wants to be with me?  It's rather depressing, really.  Sometimes it's to point of feeling like a physical ache.  Maybe it's just loneliness, and I'm looking at having it the rest of my life.