Is this all there is?
I keep having this feeling like... is this all there is? For a long time in my life, it felt like there were always possibilities, sometimes endless ones. There were always adventures to be had. New people and places. And now? Now I know that the possibilities are not endless. So many "could've been's" are now "never will be's."
I think part of my struggle is feeling, deeply, that I will probably never get remarried. It's not that I don't want to - quite the opposite, in fact. It's just knowing that that's not how my life goes. I've only ever had one real romantic-type relationship in my life, and that was with XM. We all know how that turned out. I never had boyfriends, because the boys were never interested. The truth is that I've never even had a real first date. Never.
So how can I have any expectation of ever finding someone who wants to be with me? It's rather depressing, really. Sometimes it's to point of feeling like a physical ache. Maybe it's just loneliness, and I'm looking at having it the rest of my life.