Friday, October 31, 2014

It's over... for now

So my torrid affair with a married man is over.  At least, for now.  It was just too hard to even have time to be together.  Between his wife calling all the time, other coworkers being around, and him just plain falling asleep on nights when I was going to go see him, it wasn't working.  And I felt like it was kind of starting to affect me.

I actually had to call it off twice before it stuck.  And I'm still not completely sure it stuck this time, but I do feel more certain about it.  I called it off the first time this past Wednesday.  I told him I was done.  I said that the situation didn't allow us to pursue a real relationship - even though we'd both be interested in doing so were he not married - and if the sex isn't happening... then what's the point?  But then I'm around him during the day (because we work together), and I just cave.  I'm so drawn to him!

So I was going to give it one more shot that night.  One more chance to see if we could get together, especially since we was going to be leaving the next morning to go home for the weekend, since his family still lives elsewhere at this point.  And, as has so often happened lately, it didn't work out.  I couldn't go see him.  So I told him on the phone Wednesday night that I was done.  I just couldn't keep doing this up and down.  Getting excited because I think we're going to get time together, ending up disappointed because we don't, also ending up tired all the time (for nothing) because I stay up later than I would normally because I think I'm going to go see him, but then I can't.  He asked if we could still be friends and I said of course we could.  And I meant it.  He also asked if things ended between he and his wife, would I still be interested.  I said that I would be.  I told him that I wasn't ending things between us because I didn't still like him or care about him.  I was doing it just because I could keep going on in the situation as it was.

I cried, both on the phone with him and afterwards.  As much as this was meant to just be for fun, just sex, it turned into more.  I knew early on that it was going to happen, as did he, and we went ahead with it anyway.  There are a lot of things about him that I really like, that draw me to him, and him to me.

It's a bit of a relief, not having so much up and down.  Although at this point, it's mainly just down.  As I explained to him on the phone, he still has a wife to be with.  I'm going back to my life as usual before him, which means I'm going back to nothing.  Honestly, readers, that's a really hard pill to swallow.

I know he's debating about what to do going forward, in terms of his marriage.  His wife doesn't treat him well most of the time, and apparently threatens to divorce him on a regular basis.  He's always talked her out of it in the past, but he says he's done doing that.  The next time she says she's leaving, he's going to say "OK."  I have no idea if she'll actually go through with it or if she'll back down once he calls her on it.  However, I told him in our conversation on Wednesday night that I hope that these few days at home can help him make some sort of decision, come to some sort of conclusion.  I want him to be able to make a decision - whatever it is - and be happy with it, be content with it.  Since we work together, and we'll continue to be around each other, I don't want him to go on indefinitely feeling torn about what to do.

The truth is that I expect he'll stay with his wife.  There are multiple reasons for that, but a big one - if not THE biggest one - are the kids.  He really wants to be there for them, which he would finally be able to do with him not traveling all the time and them moving here.  I can't and wouldn't even try to change his mind on that.

So that's that.  He drives back here on Sunday.  I don't know if I'll hear from him or if it'll just be back to work as usual on Monday.  I'm not even sure which one I'm hoping for.

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Anonymous qc said...

You are biologically wired to attach as a result of sex: your body produces oxytocin, which is the 'pair-bonding' hormone. This, combined with oestrogen, gives women a stronger emotional attachment to the provider of regular sexual activity.

So, in theory, we might want that FWB 'no-strings' like guys do; it is just harder for us to keep it at that superficial level.

I am sorry it is upsetting for you. It's hard because everybody comes with baggage at this stage of our lives.

November 02, 2014 8:01 AM  

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