Saturday, June 27, 2015

Torture

Lover left a few days ago to go home.  So it's over.  Or is it?

I've always been very clear with him that once his family was here.  And while he's admitted that he'd like to have his cake and eat it (or me) too, he knows it would just never work.

The plan was for his wife to drive up here and pick him up, since he'd be driving the Uhaul when they came back.  Long story short, she flipped out on him (again) the night before she was supposed to drive here.  She was cursing at him and yelling that she wanted a divorce.  Apparently she wasn't even going to drive up here, but their sons said they wanted her to pick up Lover.  So she did.  I saw them from the other side of the lot the morning that they left, as Lover was loading his stuff into their car.  He didn't see me.  His body movements just looked... tired.  Since I couldn't talk to him after she got there, I have no idea what went on between them, but based on everything leading up to it, I'm guessing it didn't go well.

Our deal has always been that I would never contact him while he's home, unless I hear from him first.  Of course.  Because she's already suspicious of him about every little thing, so we don't need her being suspicious of me too.  And that was the arrangement this time too.  I haven't heard from him.  He left four days ago.  I have no idea what's going on.

I hope they just end it.  Yes, partly for selfish reasons, although Lover and I agreed some time ago and reiterated this the day before he left, that if they ever split, he should take some time to himself.  We wouldn't just immediately jump into a relationship.  Which means that whether she moves with him or not, we have to be over, at least for now.

I've thought for a while now that their marriage was probably past saving, and I feel that way more than ever now.  I kind of think that they both want out, but neither of them is willing to actually be the one to do it.  I also think that if they're going to split, this is a good time to do it.  Lover has to move here because of his job.  If his wife doesn't want to stay with him, then she can either stay there or move back to the town they used to live in - which she's apparently mentioned doing.

I know Lover is concerned about their boys, obviously.  I told him that ending his marriage doesn't mean that he won't be with his boys any more.  I told him that he and the boys could move up here.  That way he could be part of their daily lives, which is what he really wants in all of this, and they won't have to live with a crazy mother any more.  They're both old enough at this point that they could be home alone for a couple hours after school and it'd be okay.

So... I really don't know.  Maybe everything is done and over with, and we go back to being just co-workers.  Maybe we take a break while he gets divorced and then we get to have a shot at being in a real relationship.  

I hope it's the latter.

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Friday, June 19, 2015

Almost Over

My affair with Lover is nearly finished.

He'll be leaving in about four days to go home, pack up his family, and move them up here.  Once he leaves, we're done.

I'm sad, of course.  I'm going to miss him terribly.  I'll still see him at work, but it won't be the same.  Because it can't be.  He's a sweetheart and a generous lover.  Of course I'll miss him.

I think there's a small part of me that will be relieved.  No more sneaking around.  Less up and down depending on whether or not we had any time together or feeling frustrated if his wife has, once again, treated him horribly.

He thinks things will be different once his family is moved up here and settled.  He thinks his wife will be better.  I told him I think she'll be good for a while, but she'll eventually go back to her old ways.  I said that her being local doesn't mean she'll automatically trust him, it just means that she'll have a shorter leash on him.  He didn't really know what to say to that.

It would hurt, but I do hope that they can actually make their marriage work.  I told Lover that I thought they should go to counselling once they're moved up here.  Make it a good marriage, not just something they're surviving because they don't have the courage to do anything different.  What really pains me is the thought of him spending the rest of his life in a half-hearted marriage, being taken for granted, not being trusted, and being treated badly.  The thought of that brings tears to my eyes just typing it.

I think it's a good thing that he'll be gone for a bit when this ends.  I'll have some time without seeing him at all, which will - hopefully - make it easier to treat him as just a regular co-worker when he returns.  We're also having a divisional meeting when he gets back, so it'll be busy and all the guys will be in town, which will be a good distraction.

In the end, though, this is going to suck.

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