Saturday, July 11, 2015

My life is strange

This past week was strange, crazy, exhausting, and I don't even know what else.

Initially, when Lover left to go home and move his family up here, I was having a really hard time with it.  I cried a lot.  It doesn't help that I was on my period, so my hormones were all over the place.  I really didn't know how I was going to handle this when he got back and I had to see him at work.  Then, a few days before he was due back, Tim called.  I hadn't talked to him for a week or so, which is actually longer than usual for us these days.  He'd just been busy and had a lot going on, so he hadn't had the chance.  And depending on where he is for work, he's either one or two hours behind me.

Anyway, Tim was waiting on someone else to show up and had a few minutes, so he figured he'd call me.  We only talked for ten or fifteen minutes.  But something clicked in me.  That's what I want.  I want a man who will call to chat when he has a moment because he's thinking of me.  Lover doesn't do that.  I suspect he does think of me, but he can't contact me because, well, he has a wife.  Even on the occasions that he has called, he doesn't usually have much to say.  And while I like to talk, I don't want to always have to carry the conversation.

After that conversation with Tim, I felt a lot better.  I didn't cry any more.  I was looking at it more like I didn't really want Lover anyway.  Not long term.  There are a lot of good things about him, but there are a few things that I really want in a man that he's definitely missing.  A big one?  He is afraid to take charge of anything.  Ever.  There have been occasions where he'll take charge, sexually, but I think he only does it because he knows I like it, not because he actually wants to.  And I want someone who can and will take charge outside of the bedroom, even if it's not a specific D/s relationship.

So when Lover was back in the office on Monday, I was feeling okay about it.  And things started out well enough.  It was a little awkward, to me at least.  I felt like I should just leave him alone unless I had sometime work-related to say to him.  But I think I relaxed a bit and we were able to chat about whatever.  There was still this draw to him, but I behaved.

We have a divisional meeting twice a year where all the guys travel to the office and we meet for a couple days.  So everyone was in the office Tuesday and Wednesday.  That includes Mason, whom I haven't seen in a year, because he couldn't be here for the meeting in January.  I basically hadn't seen him since our one time together and we hadn't really even stayed in touch outside of work.  I gave up on being his friend.  I think he needs friends, but I don't think I need to be one of them.

At one point, I saw Mason and Lover standing next to each other while they were working on something in the shop.  I had to stop and watching, just thinking about how bizarre my life is.  Feel free to pause and do the same.

Because of everyone being here, it was busy and chaotic for a few days, which it always is during the divisional meetings.  Doug and I had some interactions, a little flirting this time, but still behaved.  I had intended to keep my distance more than I was at that point, but I still hadn't crossed any major lines.

All the guys had left by late afternoon on Thursday, so things were calm again.  Thankfully.

Friday was harder.  We still didn't cross any big lines, but we've hugged a few times.  I told Lover that I missed him and he said he missed me too.  Bad.

I think I've noticed a pattern - finally.  I let my guard down, I make myself open and vulnerable to him, and then he backs off.  So I feel rejected and hurt and I put my guard  up again.  Then Lover acts more like he wants me... and so on.

It happened again on Friday.  I cried while I drove home, feeling rejected and hurt once again.  Ugh, I hate that I keep doing this!

That's when I realized the pattern that we keep falling into.  And I'm hoping that in noticing the pattern, I can break it.  In the end, I just can't let my guard down.

It was about that time that Tim called again.  Ah, Tim.  He has great timing, reminding me what kind of man I'd really like.  If the situation were different, we would be together.  But life is not that kind.

Once again, I felt better after talking to Tim.  He doesn't know he makes me feel better because, of course, he doesn't know anything about Lover.  We only talked for about fifteen minutes, but it still helped.

So that's where things are at.  I love Time, but he's too old and too far away.  I would give Lover a chance at a real relationship, because there are a lot of good things about him, but I don't think that will ever happen because he doesn't have the balls to end his crappy marriage.  In the end, my life is the same that it's always been.  Just me, alone.

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