This girl's ramblings

Just Curious

2012-01-29T14:44:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: This is purely a hypothetical and should NOT be interpreted as something that has happened or is happening in my life.)

If you were seriously dating a man (or a woman, if that applies to you) and everything was going along nicely... you're thinking this might be The One. Apparently, so does he because he proposes to you. Congratulations! Here's the trick: he asks you to sign a pre-nup before the big wedding day.

Do you:
A) Take it as a sign that he doesn't trust you, doesn't love you completely, and is assuming this marriage will fail from the get go?
B) Think of it as him wanting "insurance" for the marriage? That he's going into it with the hope and plan that you two will be together for the rest of your lives, but also knowing that sometimes stuff happens and he wants some protection in place?
C) Some other reaction?

2012-01-26T10:36:00.004-07:00

I know my blogging has been somewhat quiet lately. Lo siento. Truth is, I just don't have much to say. See how that works?

Life is fairly uneventful right now. I'm spending more time looking for jobs. I got a call a couple days ago from someone who'd seen my resume online, but it was for a receptionist position. No offense to all the lovely receptionists out there, but I need something more. I've been a receptionist. In fact, I had my first receptionist job when I was in high school. So, I've moved on and I like something a little more challenging with a little more variety. And a job where I don't need to let someone know when I'm going to the bathroom!

Take that, Winter!

2012-01-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

It has been horribly cold here this week. It's -21 C (-6 F) right now, and that's the warmest it's been so far this week. Thankfully, it's supposed to get better starting maybe Sunday and should stay better at least through next week.

Back in November, I had winter tires put on my car Peachie. It's the first time I've ever had winter tires. I never really felt the need for them before moving up here, and after I came up here it was an issue because of cost and storing the all-weather tires. A few days ago, I had a remote started installed in my car. Originally, I was planning on having a block heater put in. For those of you unfamiliar, a block heater is something that's on the engine of your car that you literally plug in to an outlet when it's really cold so that your engine doesn't get too cold. However, it doesn't actually keep it full on warm, so when you start your car again, you still have to let it warm up a little.

After talking to other people around here, I decided that a remote starter would be better than a block heater. The remote starter can be set to come on automatically to keep the engine warm, replacing the need for a block heater. Plus, I can start my car without actually having to go outside and it will start actually warming up the inside of the car. Believe me, when it's cold like it's been this week, that's a big deal! In addition to that, the remote include locking and unlocking Peachie, and a panic button. I wouldn't have gotten any of that with a block heater. So, all in all, I'm really happy with my remote starter!!

All of that to say that in the last few months, I've spent around $1,000 on making Peachie better to drive during the winter. And already this week, I've been thankful for all of it. I've already explained why I like the remote starter. The tires helped with not skidding and sliding, which always makes me nervous and anxious. It's the biggest thing I hate about driving here during the winter, so it makes me feel better to not be doing that.

Maybe I can handle these winters even better now!

I should've taken a picture

2012-01-13T01:05:00.000-07:00

As a stocking stuffer, I gave Mom a fridge magnet. It cracked me up when I saw it, and I knew she'd laugh too, which she did! It's plain white with black printing which reads:

Haiku are simple
But they often don't make sense
Hippopotamus

It's a New Year

2012-01-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

I know that title seems rather obvious, but I mean that in more ways than one. Ever since I've returned from Ohio, I've been feeling good. Just good. Optimistic, hopeful, strong. I feel better than I've felt in a long time. I've had good days, but it's not always consistent. This somehow feels different now.

Part of what's different is that, for the first time in... well, ever... I don't feel all that compelled to try to find a man. I mean, if it were to happen, great. But I'm fine on my own. Maybe part of it is the fact that I haven't come across a lot of men in Edmonton that I'm impressed with, so I don't have any big hopes of finding someone who's worth my time. But I think it's more than that. Maybe I finally know that I'm enough on my own.

As part of wanting to make this a good year, I know that part of that means doing the right thing. Tim called tonight for the first time in a few weeks. I had already decided that I needed to change our relationship. It needs to be a friendship and nothing more. So that I what I told him tonight. That this is not who I want to be. I don't want to be the kind of woman who has an affair with a married man. He said he'd been thinking about it too, and that he agreed. It's not the right thing to do. We promised at the beginning that no matter what happened we'd remain friends and remain in touch, and we repeated that tonight. So we'll still talk when we're able, but it'll be strictly as friends, and that makes me happy.

I don't know what's going to happen this year. Maybe something big, maybe not. Either way, I know I'm good and I'm enough.

Post #775

2012-01-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

I got home from Mom's late Thursday night. I had a really great trip. I got to see and visit with a number of people that I love and just had fun and good food. How can you beat that? Especially when it involves this cute pie little face? (This is Meat's youngest son.)

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-20T12:56:00.002-07:00

I leave tomorrow to go to my mom's for Christmas. I'm really looking forward to it. I'll get to see Mom, Brother, a few other family members, as well as Meat and Jiffy and other friends. Yay!

I hope you all have a wonderful, Merry Christmas!!

Second Guessing

2011-12-13T20:42:00.002-07:00

I haven't been able to talk to Tim much lately. We've spoken the last two days, in the evening, but that's been the first time in weeks. He's been working on a military base where he has no cell usage during the day and his wife was with him, so we couldn't talk at night.

During that time, while we couldn't talk, I was doing a lot of thinking. You know, part of why I was willing to stay in my marriage to XM even though I knew he was never going to fulfill my wants and needs was because I didn't want to be the kind of person who would break a promise just because it didn't turn out the way I wanted or expected. I took vows and I took them seriously.

That being the case, what kind of person does it make me to be so casual about someone else's vows?

I started thinking that I should take a step back from my relationship with Tim. I'll never lose touch with him entirely, nor do I want to. For one thing, we are part of the same extended family, and I even email with his wife from time to time, so it's not like he'll ever be completely out of my life. In addition to that, he and I promised from the start that if things ever needed to change between us, we would remain friends, and we've repeated that promised a few different times. I really would want to stay in touch with him and have him be more of a "father figure" like I discussed in this previous post.

The problem is... sex. Heck, isn't that always the problem? Let me be frank - it's been more than a year and a half since I've had sex. Since I've had anything. As tempting as it is sometimes, especially lately, I'm just not the kind of girl who can casually hook up with random guys. So as I was doing all this thinking about my relationship with Tim the last few weeks, the one thing that kept me from being completely sure and decisive about changing the nature of our relationship was - you guessed it - sex.

Once I heard from Tim again this week, I felt compelled to talk to him about this. The fact that we are so completely open and honest with each other is just another reason why I love him. I told him what I'd been thinking about and that, by not backing off now, I'd basically just be using him for sex whenever we did meet up. He said he didn't think that was the case at all and that I'm not using him. Granted, maybe there's a part of him that is kind of using me too.

In any case, I just can't bring myself to change our relationship yet. I want to get fucked in the worst way and meeting up with Tim is the only way I see that happening any time soon. I'm not sure why, but something in my gut tells me that after we meet up, things will change naturally. I don't have a good reason for thinking that, but I do. Maybe it's just that we both know we're not doing the right thing and once we give into it, we'll be able to give it up and let it go.

I hope it's that simple. No one can make me the person I want to be but me.

Self-Identity

2011-12-06T17:23:00.001-07:00

Have any of you ever watched the show Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss? I love all versions of the show, so I've been a loyal watcher of this one too. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, it's a show about women searching for their wedding dress and this particular version is about plus-sized ladies. There are a number of plus-sized women on this show (and in life in general) who are very proud and vocal about their size.

I am not one of those women.

Back in September, when I was in Houston with my mom, visiting her youngest brother and his family, I had a conversation with my mom and uncle about his daughter, my cousin, who is 14. She is pretty, smart, athletic, etc. but can we all agree that 14 is just an awkward age? Especially for girls? Anyway, my uncle was talking about trying to make sure that she had good self-esteem and wasn't overly wrapped up in appearances. I mentioned how, despite always being overweight, I never seemed to have that issue as a teenager. I thought it had to do with the fact that I knew appearances weren't everything and, more than that, I knew that I had a lot to offer. I knew I was relatively smart, I knew I made people laugh, I knew that people liked being my friend and that they liked being around me. That's not to say I never had my insecurities, but some other kid calling me fat just never bothered me much. So I told my uncle that making sure that my cousin knowing she's good and enough as a person is, in my opinion, really important.

So how does all this fit together?

That was the question I'd been wondering about lately. Why am I not one of those women who's "loud and proud" about my size?

I pondered.

I came to the conclusion that being plus-sized is not part of how I see myself. It's not part of my self-identity. If you asked me to describe myself, I wouldn't likely include anything about my appearance unless you specifically asked. Maybe it's because appearances aren't permanent. Maybe it's because, to me, appearances aren't the important part. Maybe there's something else to it.

I love that my size, my appearance, isn't part of my self-identity. It's how it should be. However, I think it also makes it easy for me to ignore that it's a problem. I know I'll never have a terrific figure, and that's okay. But I also know that being the weight I am now is not healthy.

Now I just need to get off my big butt and do something about it!

Pee Before You Read This

2011-12-01T23:04:00.001-07:00

My friend Steve posted this on Facebook tonight. Holy crap, one of the funniest things ever! My stomach hurts and I couldn't breathe from laughing so hard!!! Go to the bathroom or you will wet yourself because this is so stinkin' funny!!!

Damn You, Auto Correct! - The 25 Funniest Autocorrects of DYAC's First Year

Sometimes it's good to feel nothing

2011-11-24T21:23:00.001-07:00

When I moved out of XM's house, nearly a year and a half ago now, I mistakenly left behind a jewelry box. Now, this is not a fancy nor special jewelry box. It was really just something to keep mostly earrings in.

Anyway, I didn't even realize I'd left it until earlier this year. I asked XM about it and he said that it was at the house and he'd bring it by sometime. I rarely wear jewelry, so I was in no big rush to get the box back, so that was fine with me. That was months ago, so I texted him about it again not long ago. Turned out that he was going to be in my area of the city a couple weeks ago, the same day that I had to go to the US Consulate.

Initially I didn't think I'd be home in time and told him that he could just leave it under the doormat, since I didn't think it'd be too much longer before I got home, so I wasn't worried about someone taking it. However, when I got home, it wasn't there, so I knew XM hadn't come by yet. So I sent him a text to let him know I was home. He asked if he should ring the bell or go ahead and leave it under the doormat anyway. I knew he was asking because it had always been hard for me to see him since we split up. I told him he could ring the bell, but I was second guessing myself even as I sent the text. It had been several months since I'd last seen him - what would it be like? Was it still going to upset me? I was having a decent day, did I want to ruin it?

It turns out I was worried for no reason. When XM got here, we chatted for a little while, about our families and stuff like that. There was nothing. I wasn't sad or upset at all. No anger. When he left, I was so happy that I nearly jumped up and down! I still don't know that he and I will ever really be friends, but at least I know that I can see him and talk to him without getting upset. It felt like a big milestone. I'm really healing and moving on.

Yakkety Yak

2011-11-19T23:26:00.001-07:00

It's late, so this will be brief, but I want to let you all in on the latest stuff.

Everything went well on my trip to the US Consulate in Calgary and I actually received my new passport in the mail this past week. So I can now travel outside of Canada again! I've already purchased a plane ticket to Ohio to spend Christmas at my mom's, so I'm looking forward to that.

I finally heard from Tim again last week. Basically the reason I hadn't heard from him was because his wife had come to town to work on a job with his crew. So he couldn't call me during the day or at night! We've spoken a few different nights, so it was good to hear from him and feel like we caught up a little. I presented the idea to him of trying to meet up somewhere, maybe for a weekend, sometime after Christmas. He liked that idea. I said that we didn't need to figure anything out now, but just to be thinking it over. I think we've at least decided where we'll meet because there is a city to which I can fly direct and it's not a super long drive for Tim to get to. So we might finally get to see each other early next year!

Has anyone seen the movie "The Tree of Life?" I can't make up my mind about it, although the music is wonderful.

I barely left the house yesterday and haven't set foot outside today. Why? Because it is so frickin' cold outside. It only got up to -18 C, which is about -1 F. And that was the high. Without windchill. Fortunately, after another cold day tomorrow - which I'll be spending watching football anyway - it gets better on Monday and we might even get slightly above freezing on Tuesday and Wednesday! So at least we're not in the permanent winter deep freeze just yet. Hallelujah.

Words of Wisdom

2011-11-14T17:40:00.001-07:00

My words of wisdom for the day, given to Kyra, "If someone is going to be with you, they should have to impress you, not apologize to you."

Her words of wisdom given to me last night, "Don't you hate it when you find a good one and then they end up being a drug addict or married?

My next post might be from a holding cell

2011-11-08T16:33:00.002-07:00

I have to go on a little one-day road trip tomorrow. I'm anxious about it, although I shouldn't be. As you probably all know, I've been doing all the name change stuff to go back to my maiden name. I've gotten just about all of it taken care of. Back in September, I sent off my passport in order to get that changed even though I just renewed it three years ago. Apparently they didn't like what I sent. It seems that in the States going back to your maiden name requires a court order, but that's not the case in Canada, so I didn't have a court order to send with my application. Bad Suzy.

So I have to drive to the nearest US Consulate, which is in Calgary. Fortunately, that's only a three hour drive one-way. I say fortunately, because that consulate office covers three provinces, so it could've been a much longer trip if I were living in Saskatchewan or Manitoba! I am going to have to get up super early and hit the road no later than 7 AM, though. At least I should have good weather, which is no guarantee this time of year. The building I have to go to is on a main road, so it should be fairly easy to find, but I'm kind of anxious about that part too.

I keep having to remind myself that I'm not in trouble. I'm a citizen, so it's not like I'm in danger of them refusing me a passport, especially since I still have my current one with my married name. This has nothing to do with Canada, so it's not like I'm in danger of being kicked out of the country. It's just an issue with the name change, that's all. Now if I can just convince my stomach of that.

Oh, and to make this at least a partly enjoyable trip, I found a yarn store in Calgary not far from the consulate. I'll be going there before I head back home. Assuming I don't get arrested or something.

I Don't Ask for Much

2011-11-06T19:45:00.001-07:00

I'm a little peeved right now. I mentioned a little while ago that Ginny has a new boyfriend. I actually met him a few weeks ago, and he seemed like a nice guy. I totally understand that Ginny having a boyfriend means that she'll have less time to hang out with me. It would be the same with me if the tables were turned. What ticks me off is when I'm just blown off completely because of the boyfriend. This has come up before with Ginny. Maybe I'm more sensitive to it because it's come up before, or maybe I'm getting ticked off about it that much quicker. We had exchanged a few texts about getting together this weekend, although we didn't make any firm plans. She had a really crappy week at work, so I knew she'd probably just want to hang out, which is usually what we do anyway. But I haven't heard from her since Friday. I even sent her a text yesterday asking what her plans were for this afternoon. Even now, I've gotten no reply. If she wants to spend the whole weekend with her bf, that's okay, I just wish she'd let me know. Just send me a text saying that she's feeling down and wants to stay in with John. Or something along those lines, you know? My issue isn't that we're not spending the time together, although I do miss it. What really bugs me is that I just don't hear from her so I don't know if we're going to make plans together or not.

Am I crazy? Am I asking too much?

That's what I'm sayin'

2011-11-06T10:11:00.001-07:00

This secret says it all.

Where everyone knows my name

2011-11-02T20:15:00.000-06:00

Back in August, the yarn store I usually go to had a new kind of yarn - Manos Maxima - but they only had it in one colour. For some reason they'd only gotten one colour and the others that they ordered were coming later. The yarn was pretty and wonderful to the touch. So I bought a couple skeins. Here's how the scarf came out:

I had enough left to make a little headband as well. I'm going to be sending them to a cousin in Oklahoma. She has dark red hair and it will look so wonderful on her. Plus the fact that I just adore her!

Anyway, I knew the store was going to be getting more of the Manos Maxima and I kept bugging one of the owners about it. She's part of our group that hangs out at the store on Wednesday nights, so we're kind of friends. Well, last week she said that they'd gotten the rest of the Manos Maxima and it would be put out on Tuesday, November 1st. I just about jumped up and down with excitement!

The store owner also said that her husband sewed a Halloween costume for her, a kind of Maid Marian dress, and that she was going to wear it at the store on Monday (Halloween Day). A couple people said they might stop by the store to see it.

So, I thought I would stop by the store towards the end of the day on Monday. I was hoping that the store owner would be willing to let me buy some more Manos Maxima if it was the day before it was going to be set out. That way I could see her costume and get the yarn all in one trip!

It's not a big store and so I know everyone who works there. When I arrived on Monday, the store owner was on the phone, but she waved. The other woman working that day said, "Hi, Suzy! How are you?" She and I chatted for a little while. When the owner finished, she came to the back where we were and immediately said, "Suzy's here for the Maxima!" She went straight to the stock room and came back with all the new colours. As I started looking at them, she explained how after she sent out the November newsletter on Saturday (which included info about the new Maxima) she instructed everyone that the Maxima was not to be put out in the store until the 1st OR until I had the chance to look at it!! Can you believe that? I have to admit that it made me feel REALLY special that they were going to try to give me first dibs on this yarn! And I DID get first dibs! There were seven new colours, so I bought two skeins each of three new colours. Beautiful, gorgeous colours...

I can't wait to knit with these wonderful yarns!!

Yay!

2011-10-29T10:54:00.001-06:00

Congratulations to Bearette on giving birth to a new baby girl!

Big Step

2011-10-26T21:47:00.007-06:00

Until now, the only person I knew in "real life" who also knew about this blog was XM. And as far as I can tell, he doesn't read it any more. Granted, there are a couple of you, my dear readers, who also know me on Facebook, but we've still never actually met.

Yesterday, my cousin Kyra told me about a blog that she started last month. She's writing anonymously so that she can let it all out without having to censor herself. Just like I do here. It means a lot to me that she trusts me enough to let me read her blog. I debated a little about whether or not I should do the same. But it didn't really take all that long for me to decide that I wanted her to be able to read this blog. I feel a little like I'm seen as sort of a "goody-two-shoes" to a certain extent and I wanted her to know that that's really not so much the case. Of all my cousins on both sides of my family, she's the only one that I feel especially close to. I love all of my cousins very much and I enjoy all of them, without a doubt. But Kyra is the only one that's close to my age (she's a year older) and I've spent a little more time around her compared to all my other cousins.

Anyway, while I figured she'd probably be surprised about the D/s relationship that XM and I tried to have, I was mostly concerned about her finding out about Tim. I mean, she actually knows Tim and his wife, Ann. I don't think she knows them as well as I do, but they're still her family too. She's actually in a position to reveal our relationship to everyone else. The thought of that does make me a little nervous. However, after reading Kyra's blog, I could also reveal things about her that the family would also not be thrilled about. As Meat once said to me, "We're going to be friends forever because we know too much about each other!"

So someone in my life is now reading my blog. Or at least has the option to read it if she's bored enough! It's kind of a big step for me, but in a way it's also a relief for someone to actually know about some of these secrets in my life. I also think it's really awesome to have a new, closer relationship with Kyra!

I Need to Get Laid

2011-10-25T20:27:00.002-06:00

It's getting close to a year and a half since I last had sex and, of course, that was with XM. That is a long frickin' time. I've never had a one night stand or had a friends with benefits relationship. I've always thought that I could never do something like that. These days... it's getting more and more tempting. That being said, I really don't feel like having sex with some random guy I just met. No offense to anyone who's done something like that, but it just makes me cringe.

So what's a single girl to do in order to get some?

Bits

2011-10-20T17:49:00.008-06:00

I don't really have a lot to blog about just now, so this will be brief. I've gotten most of my name change stuff done, although I still have a few more to deal with. It's really nice to see "my" name on things again. It still just feels more like me, I guess.

I'm dragging my feet on getting back to work. Shocker.

I talked to Tim a couple times a few days ago, but he's been busy and running around and sometimes our schedules just don't jive. But things with him are good. We're just not talking as regularly right now.

I'm doing my first knitting project with cables. Someone had explained the basic concept of cables to me a while back, and it made sense to me, so I wasn't really nervous about doing it. And so far it's quite simple. It's an easy pattern for a baby hat; one of my cousins in Cali is having her first baby next month, so this is my gift to them!

I did NOT see this coming

2011-10-15T14:56:00.003-06:00

I have a new family member. Not through birth or marriage. He's 45 years old and I didn't know he existed until two days ago.

As I think I've mentioned before, my dad was adopted by my grandparents when he was 11. He was adopted with his one younger brother, so even though my dad was adopted, my uncle and his daughters (my cousins Robyn and Kyra) are still my biological relations. My uncle died 19 years ago, three years before my dad died, when I was only 14, so it's not like I knew him all that well.

Apparently he had a bit of a secret.

Turns out that before he and my aunt (Robyn and Kyra's mom) met and married, and while he was still in college, he had gotten his then-girlfriend pregnant. The baby was given up for adoption at birth.

I never knew anything about this, nor did Robyn or Kyra. Apparently my uncle told his wife about it before they married, but that was the end of it. And now all these years later... here he is!

So I have a new cousin, and Robyn and Kyra have a new half brother! Wow. I mean... wow. This is the kind of stuff that happens in movies, right? Apparently he's never married, doesn't have any kids, and both of his adoptive parents have died. He realized that he didn't really have any family, so he went looking for his birth parents. He found his birth mom a couple years ago and she gave him my uncle's name. He hired an investigator, who called Kyra a couple days ago. She and Robyn have both spoken to their new brother by phone and he lives a few hours away from them, so he's going to visit them in a few weeks.

Isn't this crazy? I'm still a little amazed about it, but since my aunt knew that there was a baby that had been given up for adoption, it's certainly plausible. When I talked to Kyra about it, she said that if something feels off when they meet, then they'll ask for a sibling DNA test, which the new brother has offered to do. But she said that based on the phone conversations, he seems genuine and totally fits with the family.

Who knew I would get a brand new cousin at this point?

Home Again

2011-10-13T14:46:00.004-06:00

I got home late afternoon yesterday from my Thanksgiving trip to Jasper. I had a really great time. It just never gets old.

I stopped at Sunwapta Falls to look around a bit. I was in my car and about to leave and I noticed that the people in the vehicle next to me were eating sandwiches in their car. A massive raven noticed it too... and wanted to share!!

Here's Stuff

2011-10-01T15:19:00.005-06:00

After I saw Ginny's FB relationship status change, I saw that she'd sent me an email. She actually explained everything about this guy because she knew I'd be concerned. Even though she doesn't actually "owe" me an explanation, I still appreciated the fact that she gave me one. In my reply, I even told her that I was kind of jealous of the fact that she's got guys who want to go out with her while the only men interested in me are illiterate men just looking for sex. So I guess we're alright.

Canadian Thanksgiving is a week from this Monday. After my last trip to Jasper in June, I was trying to find another time to go before winter hits. I wasn't going to go in July or August since that's the busy season, so it's more crowded and definitely more expensive. What with being out of town in September already, I didn't want to go then. I was thinking that I'd be working again by this time, so Thanksgiving would be a good time since I'd have a three day weekend anyway. Well, I'm not working, but I still decided to go to Jasper for Thanksgiving. I debated about it because I really shouldn't spend the money, but I don't care that much. This is my first Thanksgiving here since XM and I split, and I was in Ohio last Canadian Thanksgiving. I figure if I can't be with people that I love, then I might as well be in a place that I love, right? I know that staying here would just bum me out and I'd mope. Jenny invited me to join her and her parents, but I just feel like I'd be invading their family holiday. I like her parents, but I'm just not real keen on being part of their Thanksgiving this year. So, I'm heading to the mountains for a few days! I'm looking forward to it and I'm excited about it. I won't leave until Sunday because it'll be cheaper for me to not be there the whole weekend and spend a couple days during the week instead. And since I'm not working, I can do that! So now I have great plans for Thanksgiving! :)

You've GOT to be kidding me

2011-09-29T11:18:00.001-06:00

Ginny just changed her relationship status on Facebook to being in a relationship with this guy that she's been dating for two weeks. Gimme a freakin' break!!

The Week

2011-09-24T18:23:00.008-06:00

I had a crappy week this past week, overall. My intention was to get going on changing back to my maiden name. I did try to start with that, but the first step is to get a copy of the divorce certificate. I went to the local registry on Thursday in order to do that, change my driver's license, and update my provincial health care records. I was excited that I was going to be able to take care of three things with one stop! Turns out I couldn't. I can't get the divorce certificate at the registry, despite the fact that they do birth, marriage, and death certificates. No, I have to go downtown to the courthouse to get the divorce certificate. And without the divorce certificate, I couldn't do anything else at the registry. A big ol' wasted trip.

Anyway, I was just angry and crabby and depressed all week. I was (and still kind of am) angry about having to go through all this crap. The time, the energy, and the MONEY I'm having to spend just to change my name back. Pisses me off. Stupid marriage and stupid XM!!

Remember how Ginny found a new boyfriend a few months ago? Well, she broke up with him while I was out of town. I knew she was planning on it and I'm glad that she did. It's a long story as to what happened, but my opinion is that this guy wants more of a "mom" than a girlfriend. She told me right before I left town that she just needed some time without boys. I thought that was a good idea. Then I get a text from her after I've been gone about a week that she had a date that night! Um... what? Turns out she had signed up for a dating website and had gotten a date. In the last few weeks she's had several dates with four different guys! She says she's just having fun and she's not looking for a relationship. I'm not sure I believe her, but whatever. What gets to me is that I signed up for the same dating website about six months ago (I've since taken my profile down) and the only men I heard from were ones who were just looking for sex and most of them were illiterate. So for Ginny to just get all these dates right off the bat... it really, really sucks. I haven't said anything to Ginny about it, because I don't want to make her feel bad and it's not like it's her fault. But it's really discouraging. It just depresses that crap out of me.

So... a really crappy week. I asked Jim to come over again on Thursday for another massage. Some people shop when they're depressed. Some people eat (which I do some anyway). I get mostly naked and have someone rub me. I figure there are worse ways to cope!

2011-09-18T17:54:00.003-06:00

I will blog about my trip at some point, but this is not that point.

Jim came to my place this past Thursday to give me a massage. As if his massages weren't good enough, now I don't even have to leave the house! Talk about dangerous. It was a great massage, as usual, and now we always hug before we say good-bye - and he gives good hugs too! If Jim were my age, I'd be just about ready to ask him to marry me. HA!

I'm attempting to do the whole "not using shampoo" thing. I washed my hair Monday in Houston before I flew back to Edmonton. I washed my hair Thursday morning because I didn't feel good about having super greasy hair when Jim is massaging my scalp, you know? But I haven't washed it with shampoo since then. I've been using some baking soda and some apple cider vinegar. My hair still seems kind of greasy and not quite normal, but I'm not sure exactly what normal will be at this point. So it's a work in progress and we'll see what happens.

I do need to get working, but my focus this week will actually be getting the ball rolling to do all the stuff I need to do in order to change everything from my married name to my maiden name. And there's a lot of stuff - passport, driver's license, provincial health care, health insurance, car & renter's insurance, bank... and that's not the whole list! Sounds like a fun week.

I'm home

2011-09-14T09:58:00.001-06:00

I got back kind of late on Monday night. I'm home and I didn't melt, although I'm really glad to be out of the heat. I still feel like my mind is catching up, though, so I'll write more later. I think.

This is getting interesting

2011-08-30T12:43:00.006-06:00

I've been going to see Jim on a fairly regular basis for 90 minutes massages. It's partly because of my back and I think it does definitely help. But going to see James is also the only form of male physical contact that I have right now. Maybe that's a little sad, but I don't want to be with some random guy just so I can have that physical contact. So this is what I do instead.

Anyway, I had an appointment with Jim yesterday evening. As always, it was fantastic! Normally, we don't talk much, but this time we were talking even as he started massaging me. I asked him what made him decide to become a massage therapist. He told the whole story - which I won't recount here because it's long and it doesn't much matter. He said that he's still going to school to become an Advanced Massage Therapist, which I thought was pretty cool. It also might explain why he's so good at this! He also started talking about how he does some massage work outside of the salon. He offered to give me his cell number and he can bring his table to my place for massages at a much lower cost. Gee, let me think about that... um, YES! He did acknowledge that I should probably still come to the salon from time to time so that it's not like he's "stealing" my business, which I agree with. But it'd still be really nice to get great massages for less and I wouldn't even have to leave home! It's nice to know that he's comfortable enough with me that he's willing to do that, and I feel comfortable enough with him that I'd be okay with him being in my home.

The other cool thing was that Jim and actually learned a little about each other, which was nice. It's kind of strange to spend so much time with someone, be just about naked, have their hands all over you, and still not know anything about them. The sweet thing is that we actually hug when we say good-bye now. Jim is so much younger than I am - 13 years! - that I can't imagine anything romantic ever developing. But I can see us being friends and hanging out. I have no idea if that will happen, but it'd be fun if it did. Friends are good!

This is probably my last post until after I get back from my trip, so I hope you all have a nice Labour Day weekend and beyond!

Going Away

2011-08-24T09:57:00.007-06:00

I leave next Thursday for nearly two weeks. I'm flying to Dallas where I'll meet up with my mom at my Aunt Char's house. I think my cousin Kyra is going to be picking me up from the airport. We'll spend the night there, then leave sometime the next day to drive up to Oklahoma where my great aunt and some of my dad's cousins live. We'll spend a few days with all of them with kind of a casual family get together that Saturday. Last I heard, Tim and his wife were not going to be there, but I don't know that for sure.

Sunday evening I'm going to get to meet one of my dad's biological sisters (the youngest one) who also lives in OK. I met the oldest sister, Joann, on a previous TX trip. There's one other sister, but since no one is in touch with her, I don't expect to ever meet her. Anyway, I met the sister in OK, Sherrie, once when I was about seven or so, and I have a vague memory of it. But she and I have gotten to know each other some over the last couple years on Facebook and since we're going to be pretty close to her, I definitely wanted to see her. So we're going to see her that Sunday!

Mom and I will drive back to Dallas on Monday, Labor Day. We're supposed to visit with a friend of Mom's that evening. I've met her, but I don't know her that well. That's okay. Tuesday will be doing a little shopping and then I'm going to get together with a good friend from college that evening. I haven't seen him since we graduated, but we've always stayed in touch, so I'm really looking forward to seeing him again.

Wednesday morning Mom and I will leave Dallas and head to Waco. My dad's one living biological brother lives there, so we're going to meet up with him and his wife. I think I may have met him once, but I was a baby or something so obviously I have no memory of it! It'll be interesting.

From there, Mom and I will drive to Houston, which is where Mom's youngest brother (Dave) lives. He's turning 50 in a couple weeks, so we're going to be there to celebrate with him. The really fun part is that he and his family know that Mom is coming, but they don't know about me!! Now, I think I'll be telling his wife, Kelly, soon so she can be prepared. Mom and I are going to be staying with them, so it seems a little unfair to spring it on her. But Dave and my cousins will be surprised! I saw Dave a couple years ago, but I haven't seen any of the rest of his family since before I moved up here. Mom and I will be there for about 4 days and I think it'll be fun!

So that's the trip. I'll be gone for nearly two weeks. Other than going to Jasper, it's the first time I've left town in nearly a year, when I went to Ohio last October. Now I just hope that it's not super hot so I'm not one big puddle of sweat the whole time!

The Latest

2011-08-18T19:16:00.006-06:00

I'm still going to the chiro three times a week - Mon, Wed, Fri. I'm definitely starting to tell a difference. I feel like I'm walking more "normally," if that makes any sense. The problem is that when I try to go for a walk, my lower back still gets stiff. So I guess it's a work in progress and that's okay.

In an effort to keep my back loose, I went for another massage on Tuesday. Well, keeping my back loose is my excuse. The real reason is because I love it! I honestly think the massage I got on Tuesday was the best I've ever had. I also think it really helps that I have a real comfort level with Jim now. It's really kind of a funny situation. On the one hand, Jim is basically a stranger. I mean, it's not like we have any kind of real conversation, right? But on the other hand, he sees me with almost no clothes on and has his hands all over me. He may just be doing his job, but it's still kind of an intimate thing. At least to me it is. I've decided that part of why I love going is that this is my only form of male physical contact at this point. And I don't really even care that that's part of it. It makes me feel good and I'm not harming anyone in the process, so why not go for it? I just have to make sure I don't go so often that I go broke!

I haven't gotten to talk to Tim very much lately. He was home for a few days and had some other things going on. However, we had a little conversation a couple days ago about his cell phone. Since we're talking while he's away from home, he's having to use his cell. No big deal for most people, but his plan didn't include Canada. So he went and changed his plan and they told him it was all good. He got his bill recently and... not so good. Hundreds of dollars. You also have to keep in mind that whenever he's staying in a hotel (instead of his trailer that is kept in one place, separate from his home), I call him on the hotel landline in order to save him the cost and it's a little clearer. (My home phone has a really low calling rate for N. America, since I knew I would be calling the States on a regular basis.) Anyway, all of this to say that Tim was REALLY unhappy with his cell phone bill. The cell company basically said "too bad" and wouldn't change anything. So he ended up buying a second cell phone under a different provider and he's going to use it ONLY to talk to me. I almost didn't know what to say! I felt really bad that he's going through all this hassle, but it also made me feel really special that he's doing all this just to be able to talk to me! Wow. I was honestly amazed that he was that motivated to find a good way to talk to me, not to mention the fact that it'll be that much easier to keep things secret if we're not using the same phone as he uses for everything else, so we both feel a little safer now. Such craziness.

I leave in a couple weeks for my fun vacation, but I'll babble about that another time!

It's Official

2011-08-13T15:42:00.002-06:00

I received my divorce judgment in the mail yesterday. It won't be officially granted until the 31st, but it's basically done at this point. I'm divorced.

The Root of the Matter

2011-08-11T12:07:00.003-06:00

Do any of you, dear readers, no longer use shampoo and wash your hair naturally? Or do you know of anyone else who does? I've been hearing a little more about getting rid of shampoo and letting your hair do its thing naturally and I'm curious about it. I also read this article a few days ago, which was interesting. I think I would just go ahead and do it except I'm concerned about how long I'm going to have really gross, greasy hair before it gets "normalized." Anyone know anything more about this?

I'm Twisted

2011-08-08T17:27:00.005-06:00

A while back I started having a little trouble with my back, which was why originally had a massage with Jim. As much as I LOVE those massages, I'm still have back trouble, mainly in my lower back and hips, like what you might call haunches.

My friend Ginny just started a new job a couple weeks ago, but before that she was working at a chiropractic office. So since I'm still having trouble with my back, I made an appointment with one of the chiropractor's at that office, the one Ginny recommended. My appointment was this morning. I've never, ever been to a chiro before, so Ginny told a little about what to expect, but it was still a brand new experience.

First the assistant did some tests, like range of motion and scanning the nerves of my spine. Then the chiro came in to do her thing. She actually used this spring loaded thing instead of adjusting me by hand. I guess sometimes she uses the little tool, sometimes her hand. Anyway, apparently there's a joint in my pelvis that's out of whack and my body is trying to compensate, which means that one or two joints in my neck is also out of whack. So she did a couple little adjustments on my neck and several on my lower back/upper butt. It didn't feel like much, so I'm not sure what to think. However, I have a follow-up appointment on Wednesday afternoon, so we'll see what happens.

Ebenezer Suz

2011-08-04T22:34:00.004-06:00

I'm probably going to sound completely cold and heartless, but this is my blog, so... better here than anywhere else!

Overall, I consider myself a fairly compassionate person. But whenever I see those "starving children in Africa, so please send money" commercials, I feel nothing. No compassion, no pity, nothing. I see bits on the news about this massive famine in Africa right now, the worst in decades, and do you think I feel for those people either? Nope. I just tune it out.

I'm sure there's a cultural thing I'm missing out on, but you know what I don't feel any compassion? Because I don't understand why people keep having children if you're diseased, unable to feed yourself, unable to feed the children you keep having, etc. I just don't get it.

So is it just me? Am I heartless? Or is it just a cultural (or maybe biological) thing that I just don't have?

my secret too

2011-07-31T17:31:00.002-06:00

I saw this secret on Post Secret today and even though I didn't actually send it, I feel exactly the same way.

The Hard Part

2011-07-28T18:36:00.005-06:00

I got a call from Tim a couple hours ago. It was the first time since Sunday that I'd heard from him. His wife is on the job with him, so he hasn't had a chance to call. This is the hard part to our crazy relationship. I mean, I still never worried that maybe he's changed his mind about talking to me, because we've specifically agreed that if one of us ever feels that way, we'll be upfront and honest with the other person. I was a little worried that something had happened to him. He's working in a really, really hot part of the country right now. He told me that yesterday at 5-something in the evening, when they quit for the day, it was 122 F. Yikes! He sounded tired and he admitted that the heat is wearing him down. He figures he'll be there about another week to finish out the job. I told him that when he's ready for a break to head north to cool off!

Anyway, I really miss talking to him. Tim said he feels the same. His wife will be leaving sometime on Sunday to head to another little job in another state, so we'll be able to talk again in a few days. I'm glad to know that he's okay and that he's thinking about me, but days like this just remind me of this unusual situation that we've chosen to be in.

This post is not written in chronological order

2011-07-23T19:38:00.008-06:00

Yeah, I'm addicted. I went for another massage yesterday. I seriously just love it! One of the nice things about it now is that I think Jim and I are more comfortable with each other at this point. I've had four massages with him. There's a coupld reasons why I think he's getting more comfortable with me. First, I've noticed that he's done something a little differently the last couple massages. Last week, once I was lying on my back, as he was massaging my shoulders and neck, he turned my head to each side as he was massaging. Yesterday he actually massaged my face a little, although he asked if I was okay with it first. I liked the forehead and around my ears and such, but it was a little weird when he was massaging my cheeks and the middle areas of my face. I'm not complaining, though. Secondly, after we were finished, he said it was always nice to see me and that anytime they're offering his bookings for half off again, he'll make sure that they call me. I said, "Yes, please do!" So it's nice to know that he's happy to have my business. I mean, I know that this is how he earns a living, but I guess I'm just kind of relieved to know that he's not repulsed by me or something. I'm not exactly a size 6, you know? At the end of this massage, while I was still lying on the table, I actually asked Jim if it's weird for him to have his hands all over people he doesn't know. He said that he was used to it at this point, so it's not weird. I didn't really expect him to say that it IS weird, but I was curious as to what his response would be. Anyway, as much as I LOVE going to Jim for a massage, I do need to stop going so often. I guess I'll have to rein in this addiction.

Oh, and I think one of the things I love about getting a massage, especially from Jim, is that it's totally a turn on. I'm actually wet (down there) when I leave!

I was in a pretty bad mood this past Tuesday evening, which was the same day I wrote my last post. I was kind of depressed, thinking about the situation and feeling like I probably am pitiful. Plus, the little girl that lives upstairs was doing a lot of stomping around, which was just pissing me off. So I was really in a bad mood. I sent Tim a text message that told him that I was in a foul mood and that he may not want to call. He's a pretty happy kind of guy and I didn't want to bring him down or take it out on him. He called me just a few minutes later. He said when he got my text, he couldn't wait to call! He wanted to cheer me up and make me feel better. Isn't that sweet?

Anyway, I basically told Tim the same thing I wrote in my last post and asked him what he thought. Now, Tim's kind of a talker - which he'll admit himself - so he went into everything for a while. But he basically said that he thought I had too much time on my hands and that I needed to get back to work. I'm sitting around wondering if I'm pitiful and getting annoyed with the little girl upstairs because I don't have other things to focus on. Me being me, I of course started to cry, which made Tim feel really bad. I told him that he shouldn't feel bad, and I meant it. I cry over everything! It was hard to hear what Tim was telling me, but I needed it. I needed someone to give me a little kick in the butt. What Tim was saying was true. So even though it was hard to hear, I was glad that he said it. I loved that he was honest and straight with me. It kind of feels like that conversation solidified our relationship.

So, because Tim was right and that I need to get back to work, I have an appointment on Monday afternoon with a staffing place. It's the same place that I met with a couple years ago in order to get the job I lost in April. Since I've been there before, they already have my info on file and I won't have to do all the same testing I did before. I'm going to re-test on Excel since my score there wasn't quite as good as the other areas, but that's all I'll have to do, so that'll be nice. So I'll be getting back into the grind fairly soon, although I still just plan on doing temp work for a while.

Back to Tim... he actually calls me his girlfriend. It seems like he shouldn't, but at the same time it's really nice. We've said those three little words to each other too. Tim even said them first. We both know that if he were single, we'd be together. But we also both know that the only way for that to happen would be for Tim's wife, Ann, to die. And that's just morbid. Tim has flat out said that he hopes I find someone to marry and to spend my life with. He won't stand in my way because he wants me to be happy. As I got to thinking about it, I don't see how this relationship ends badly for me. Tim has said that he doesn't know of any reason that he'll break things off, so that's not something I'm worried about. So it would only end (or change to more of a friendship, really) by my choosing, whatever the reason. That's really comforting and makes me feel really safe. I'm not worried about being heartbroken again.

Pitiful or not so bad?

2011-07-19T17:43:00.003-06:00

In a conversation Tim and I had not long ago, we were talking about how we both like affection and contact with people. Tim mentioned that that's probably part of why I like the massages so much. I agreed.

Now that I'm thinking about it a little more, it's making me a little sad. I really do like the touch and contact that I get through a massage. I keep thinking about going back for another one even though I really shouldn't spend the money for it. And the thought of paying for someone else's touch is just depressing.

So tell me - am I pitiful or just making the best of the situation I'm in right now?

Addicted

2011-07-14T00:34:00.004-06:00

I got a call yesterday afternoon from the salon that I go to for my hair and other such things, including massages. The girl said that they were offering booking for massages with the same guy I'd been with before for 50% off the rest of this week and was I interested in making an appointment? Gee... YES! So I made an appointment for late this morning.

This is now the third time I've had a massage with this guy, Jim, in the span of about a month. As I wrote before, the first time was because I was having trouble with my back. The second time was basically because my back was still giving me problems. And now 50% off - like I'm going to turn that down!

Man, both of the first two massages were really good, but the one today... it's amazing I didn't end up drooling on the floor! I went for a full 90 minutes and even though my back feels better I asked Jim to still focus on that. He really worked it good, but he also does a terrific scalp massage. He's done one each time and it always leaves me feeling like I could just follow him around like a puppy. In fact, when I moved from lying on my front to my back, Jim asked me how I was feeling so far. I told him that I thought he was my new best friend!

I've noticed something that Jim does that I really like. It's subtle and something that many people probably wouldn't even notice or think about. As he's about to start, he'll just gently rest a hand on my calf (since he starts on my feet and legs). He'll do a similar sort of thing as he moves to a new area or when he's getting more lotion and such. I can't quite explain why I like it, but I find it really comforting and calming. Maybe it's as if it's not just him doing his job, but it feels a little like he's being caring. It's just really nice.

If I could afford it, I'd go see Jim every week. But in reality, I don't know when I'll be able to go again. Maybe the next time they offer to give me a half-price massage!

Schtuff

2011-07-11T20:25:00.005-06:00

I'm watching the show "Surprise Homecoming" on TLC right now. Totally makes me cry, but they're happy tears.

I haven't gotten to talk to Tim a lot in the last week. He was home for the 4th of July weekend. He and his oldest son work together, although they're often in different locations. But last week Tim's wife and son were both there, so we could only talk here and there during the day. It's been a while since we had a long night of talking. However, we talked for about an hour tonight before he went to eat dinner and he'll be calling me again when he gets back. I've really missed him and I know he's missed me too. Every time we've been able to talk, he always tells me how much he misses me. It's nice to know, and it's nice to know that if we're not able to talk and if he doesn't call it's not because he doesn't want to talk to me. He's just not able.

I had kind of a little breakthrough a week or two ago. I was thinking back to before I moved up here and before XM and I got married. I remember thinking more than once that I consciously knew that I was taking a leap. I wasn't 100% sure how things would go. I mean, marriage is kind of a leap in any situation, but in this case it was also moving to another country and becoming a stepmom. That's a big leap. But I also knew that I would rather take the leap than to be afraid and potentially live the rest of my life wondering "What if?" Once I finally remembered that - and don't ask me why it took me so long to clue into that memory! - it was a huge boost. It was a great personal reminder that, yes, I am that brave and I am that strong. I want to live my life and take a certain amount of risk, and sometimes that's going to mean failing, but at least it means I tried. And I know that I'll be OK.

Coming to that realization also made me feel better towards XM. All this time whenever I thought about him, it always brought up that hurt and sadness. Now... not so much. I won't say that it's completely gone, esp. when I think about him being with that other chick, but I feel a little more friendly towards him. We even texted back and forth a few times on Saturday, mostly about the football game. So I guess I'm making progress!

I still haven't started back to work yet. I really should, but I just don't want to yet. At least a couple more days...

2011-07-07T16:23:00.001-06:00

Period. Blah. Cramps. Blah. Lonely. Blah.

Interesting

2011-07-05T11:57:00.001-06:00

I just read this article about craving fatty foods. I thought it was pretty interesting, so I'm passing it along.

Why we crave chips and fries

Twisted

2011-06-30T16:11:00.010-06:00

There's no way to classify the relationship that Tim and I have. Friends with benefits comes close, but it's still not accurate. Let me attempt to explain.

The story that Tim and have chosen as our "cover" should anyone ever discover the fact that we're in daily contact is really not that far off base. It's more like the truth excluding the sexual side of things. And here's that truth. About the time that I first got in contact with Tim again, initially because of my granddad's estate, I also came to the realization that I have no men in my life. Sure, there's Brother and I have a lot of male friends. But not any men that I can look up to and not any men that I have a close relationship with at this point. My dad is dead as are both of my grandfathers. I like all of my uncles, but I've never been close with any of them. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks and really made me sad.

The first couple phone conversations I had with Tim were fairly brief and innocent. But they were also really comfortable. He always sounded sincerely happy to hear from me. So I thought maybe I could ask him to be kind of a surrogate father figure for me. Then again, given our history, our little "encounter" eight years ago, that seemed like a twisted request to make. After some of our conversations, I told Tim that this was my idea of our cover story and so only then did I tell him about the request that I didn't make. I said that, had I actually made the request, I would've wanted to keep it secret so as to not offend anyone, not to mention the fact that it seems like a sad, pitiful thing to have to request. He agreed that it seemed kind of twisted, but that he was honored that I'd even think of him that way and that he wants to be there for me anyway. It was so sweet and touching that I nearly cried.

After that first week when his wife came into town for a few days and we didn't have the chance to talk, we've spoken every single day. Sometimes our conversations last for hours. Sometimes it might be fairly brief. We've talked about everything. Really everything. He's the first and only person I actually know that I've told about the type of relationship that XM and I had (or tried to have), our D/s relationship. We've talked about my marriage with XM and we've talked about his marriage and his wife, Ann. We've talked about so many things that I feel like he's my new best friend and he's told me that he feels the same.

We've also talked about sex. Tim and Ann were married really young and started having kids pretty early on. Even though Tim is younger than both of my parents, all three of his sons are older than I am. Tim and Ann were both virgins when they married and apparently never really talked about sex beforehand. Ann doesn't have much interest in sex and so Tim has spent pretty much his whole life not getting that need met. He hasn't been able to do things that he's wanted to do, so he and I have talked about all the things we'd like to do together. We both feel like we've never really gotten to fully explore the pleasure could have, and we're looking forward to doing that together.

Are you starting to see how there's no good way to describe this relationship? Friends with benefits with a side of father figure? And that being the case, isn't that twisted? I don't know. Maybe it is twisted, but it's working for us. We've promised that if for some reason either of us ever needs or wants to stop the sexual side of our relationship, we'll stay in touch and still be friends. He can be more of the father figure at that point. I've also told him that should something ever happen to me (like I'm killed in a car wreck or something), I want him to tell people about our relationship - minus the sex side, of course. I know that he would be really upset in that situation - which he agreed with - and I want him to be able to express that without people wondering about it, you know?

Anyway, that's the gist of it. It's an amazing, uplifting, fun, crazy, comforting relationship. I love it. :)

2011-06-28T21:47:00.003-06:00

I keep meaning to come back and blog more about what's going on with Tim, but I guess I've been spending way too much time talking on the phone with him to blog about it!

Actually, I'm really not going to take the time to blog about it now either. It's still sort of crazy and hard to believe. I almost feel like I don't quite know what to say, really. I will at least say that I feel like it's helping me. I'm smiling more, I feel better about myself, and I'm starting to feel a little more of that sexy side of myself.

This is how Suzy got her groove back.

Massage

2011-06-22T16:04:00.005-06:00

I've been talking to Tim more, but I'll post about that another time.

Monday night I was changing the sheets on my bed. I'd also bought a mattress pad, which I'd been meaning to do for some time. Now, I usually rotate my mattress every time I change my sheets. Since it's a memory foam mattress, I can't flip it over, so spinning it is all I need to do and I can manage it without too much trouble. However, I decided that I wanted to turn my box spring as well since it was creaking on my side. It's not heavy, but it's big and awkward and by the time I got my mattress out of the way (which IS heavy), it was a real challenge. I don't think I pulled anything, but my lower back definitely felt tight and stiff afterwards. Still felt that way Tuesday morning too.

So I decided a nice massage was in order. I'd gotten one at Christmas with Mom, but not since then. I figure getting a massage once or twice a year isn't too much of a splurge, right? So I called when I got out of the shower and they said I could have an appointment at 5, but that it'd be with a male massage therapist. OK, whatever.

I've never had a male massage therapist before, but I just figure that he's doing his job, so no biggie. Although, I was thinking that if he was a big hunky man, it wouldn't hurt! Well, he was cute, but young - couldn't be older than early 20's. In one way, it was better than being with a woman (esp. a young woman) because it feels like there's no judgement about my body. On the other hand, it's more comfortable being with a woman because you know that there's nothing you've got that she hasn't seen. In the end, I found it to be kind of sensual to get a full body massage from a guy and it felt like there was a little more strength behind his hands, which was great for my back. I also found it easier to relax if I thought of him as a sort of a personal slave who adored me and would do anything I asked. LOL

Have any of you gotten a massage from a man and, if so, was it strange for you?

Big Questions

2011-06-17T19:11:00.007-06:00

So, a few posts back I mentioned a much extended member of my family that I had a little encounter with several years ago. We'll call him Tim. As part of that previous post I mentioned that I had a phone conversation recently with Tim and that it left me feeling kind of revved up. As part of that phone call, I told Tim that I was sorry to be bugging him. He told me that I wasn't bugging him at all and that if I didn't call him from time to time he'd get upset with me. It was totally a BS reason, but I called him again about a week later on the pretense that I didn't want him to get mad at me. All this time I'd assumed that he knew that my marriage was over since I'd told his wife in an email last year. But at one point in this conversation, he asked me what my husband did for a living. So I had to tell him that he's no longer my husband and in talking a little about it, I - of course - started to cry a little. In thinking about it later, I think I was just really caught off guard by the question since I thought Tim knew I was getting divorced.

Anyway, getting upset over that simple little question happened the day before I made my quick trip to Jasper. In fact, it was part of why I decided to go. While I was gone, Tim called and left a voicemail message for me, making sure I was okay since I'd been upset during our last conversation. So when I got back from Jasper and heard his message, I gave him a call. We had a lovely talk, but I could feel us kind of... dancing around the elephant in the room, neither one of us wanting to cross that line.

I called Tim again the next night (Saturday night) because the unspoken tension was bugging me. And we crossed the line.

Now, I should mention that what Tim does for a living takes him all over, mainly within his home state. And him being away from home makes it a lot easier for us to have these conversations.

We talked Saturday night, Sunday night, and Monday night. We both called, so it wasn't one-sided. We had in-depth conversations about love, marriage, sex, life, all kinds of things. We had hot phone sex. We talked about what we're doing, our fears associated with it, and what we might get out of it.

I went out with Ginny for a while Tuesday afternoon. When I got home there was another voicemail message from Tim. I was excited to see that he'd called, but the message was not good. His wife had come into town for a few days, so he asked me not to call and he'd call again when he could. Nothing says "the other woman" like that kind of message! I haven't heard from him since.

I'm really wrestling with this. I don't like the idea of being a part of someone being unfaithful to their spouse. But there's something about this... It's almost as if Tim and I are both going into this with our eyes open. We've discussed what would happen if someone were to discover that we're talking so much and how we could cover our tracks. We've discussed whether or not an actual relationship would ever work between us, should his situation change, and we've decided that it wouldn't, for a few different reasons. We've promised each other that should the time come that one of us needs to end the sexual side of things, that we'll still remain friends. Tim has always been respectful of me and has never pushed. I feel so safe and comfortable with him.

So, I go back and forth with how I feel about this relationship. I hate the thought of being the other woman. But if we're both lacking a certain companionship and sexuality, can't we just be together for that? I wonder if this will help me get my mojo back. Like a reminder that I am special and desirable. I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Pictures

2011-06-14T18:39:00.010-06:00

I have a thing or two to blog about, but first I'll post pictures. I've decided not to really keep this a secret, although I haven't gone out of my way to tell people about it either. Anyway, here you go.

Secret Trip

2011-06-10T22:06:00.004-06:00

I'll let you all in on a little secret: I just made a quick trip to Jasper. I just got back a few hours ago. I left yesterday morning, drove the four hours out there, spent the night, and drove back this afternoon/evening. I had kind of been thinking about it, but just decided Wednesday that I was going to bite the bullet and go. I stayed the night at the same place as I did in April, although I went for a cheaper room since it was only going to be for one night. I went to the yarn store there and spent a whack of money on sock yarn, since I now know how to knit socks. I went to my two favourite spots there. The one, I decided today when I was there, is my idea of heaven. When I die, I want to spend eternity at the Fifth Bridge of Maligne Canyon.

I'm debating whether or not to tell Mom or anyone else. I'll post pictures here later since this may be the only place I can share them!

One Year

2011-06-05T16:49:00.003-06:00

Today is exactly one year from when I moved out of XM's house and into my own little place. Like most anniversaries, in one way it feels so much longer than just one year and in another way it doesn't feel like it's been that long. Although, really, a lot has happened in the last year. Our divorce should be finalized soon. I don't have much contact with XM these days, just an email once in a while to see where things stand with our paperwork and such. I think I'm doing better, but I still have bad or off days. I guess that's to be expected.

In the end, I still think it's for the best that XM and I are not together. I've known that all along, really, but it's still painful and stressful and hard. I feel like I'm only now remembering ME. What it really feels like when I'm myself. I've felt so weak and insufficient for a long time now and I'm gradually remembering that I am strong and capable and resilient.

So much can happen in one year.

Constructed Wetland

2011-06-03T00:14:00.008-06:00

There's a constructed wetland just a few minutes from my place. I think this may be only the second year that it's been in place. It's relatively small, but it's pleasant and has a nice little walking path around it as well as some benches. I've been a handful of times to walk and/or knit. I went last Friday and took some pictures. Here's a few:

What the heck?

2011-05-30T19:50:00.007-06:00

I've got something sexual on the brain. A couple things have happened in my head over the last few days that have got me pondering.

First, a few days ago I had a dream. I won't bother going into details, partly because I don't even completely remember them. You know how it is with dreams. But in the dream I was somewhere (I'm not sure where) with a group of people that I knew. A man walked in who was threatening us with violence (although I don't remember now what he wanted). Everyone else was really scared. I was kind of scared, but I literally threw myself at him. Like, sucking on his tongue and rubbing myself up against him, threw myself at him. After hot sex, it was as if we instantly fell into a relationship, with a D/s flavor. We went out to eat and he ordered for me without even asking what I wanted. Throughout my entire dream, he was very much in charge and in control. And I found him to be incredibly sexy, despite the fact that he wasn't really all that physically attractive.

The second thing happened today, but first I need to give a little background. This is a big confession for me because this is something I'm NOT proud of. XM is the only person I've ever told about this occurance. Several years ago, when I was in my mid-20's, Mom, Brother, and I went to visit some extended family, people we don't get to see very often (one of my dad's cousins and her family). The last night there, I was alone at one point with the cousin's husband and we ended up fooling around a bit. Just kissing and a little groping, all over in about 15 minutes. I should include the fact that he's a physically big man (6' 6) and has a rather commanding personality (although I think he can be a big softy at times too).

Anyway, I spoke with this man by phone today regarding something about my granddad's estate. I haven't seen or spoken to this man since that visit several years ago. We had a really nice conversation, nothing weird or awkward. But I found that I was all revved up and tingly after talking to him. And THAT is making me feel weird and awkward.

So this all has got me thinking. I must have a "type" of man that I am attracted to. I guess that isn't a surprise, but it makes me wonder if it's a bigger deal to me than I realized. It's obviously invaded my subconscious. It also makes me wonder if I want a man who's a little older than what I would normally look for.

What do you guys think?

What Comes Next

2011-05-26T00:15:00.003-06:00

It's now been about a month since I lost my job. I didn't originally intend to take this long off, but the time has gone quickly. I still haven't even updated my resume, although I plan on doing so tomorrow. I feel like there's something else I could be doing with my life other than just regular plain old jobs. But heck if I know what it is or even how to figure out what it is. I guess that's another reason to do temp work for a while.

Not Sure

2011-05-23T00:33:00.004-06:00

I got my hair cut on Thursday. Really cut. It had been well past my shoulders, although not to the middle of my back, because XM liked long hair and asked me to grow it. Now I've got a slightly angled bob (a wee bit shorter in the back) and I got highlights, which was a first for me. I love it!! However, I think I'll have her even out the bob as it grows. I'm not sure that I like having it quite this short in the back.

Ginny moved to a new place a couple months ago. She's in a "garden view" apartment, meaning that she's half way below ground. Her only phone is her cell phone and she gets horrible reception in her apt, so most of our communication is by email and text. Middle of last week she replied to an email of mine and mentioned getting together this weekend, but that she's broke so it needs to just be hanging out. No problem. I suggested her coming over Friday night. And then... nothing. I still haven't gotten a reply or a text or anything. Ginny started dating a new guy a few weeks ago. She posted on Facebook last night about having a great day with her man. Now, when Ginny and I first met, she had a boyfriend, but he works up north and is only home every other weekend. We never got together when he was home, but I figured that they had limited time together and it was fair that they'd want to spend it with each other. But now with this new guy, I'm wondering if she's the kind of girl who ditches her friends when a new boyfriend shows up. Look, I fully expect that she and I will hang out less because she won't have as much time to spend. That's fine, no worries. I guess I just don't want to be completely ignored or tossed aside, you know? I don't know for sure that that's what's going on, but it sure seems to be.

What do you all think?

Little Update

2011-05-17T12:47:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't been blogging much lately. I either feel like I don't have much to say or I don't feel like blogging. But I'll try to do a quick update.

I'm still not working and, I must say, I'm really enjoying it. I know that seems like an obvious statement, but the truth is that any other time in the past that I've lost of my job, there's always this sense of worry and maybe even panic. Trying to hurry up and find another job because I've got bills to pay. This time, it's completely different. I've been unemployed for almost four weeks and I haven't even updated my resume yet. I'm not the least bit worried about paying my bills or being able to find another job. It's honestly going to be hard to go back to work because I'm enjoying this time off so dang much!

I started taking the antidepressant two days before I lost my job. Because of the timing of everything, it's hard to know how much I'm affected by the drug and how much is not having the anxiety of going to work and dealing with Candy any more. But life has gotten better. I can feel a change. I feel more relaxed. I feel more like I want to get out and do stuff. I actually feel a little more like myself, which is really kind of a relief. It hit me about a week ago just how long it's been since I really felt like myself. I don't think I'm completely there yet, but it's so great to get that sense, that reminder, of what I'm like and how wondefully familiar and comforting it is.

What with not working, I'm doing a lot of knitting, which is fun! It's too bad I can't knit for a living. There are a couple things I'm working on that aren't intended for any specific person, so I'll probably sell them when I'm finished. I certainly can't claim to be a pro knitter, so I'll just sell them for the cost of the yarn so I'm at least not losing money.

I hope you're all doing well. I'm going to go knit. :)

Confession

2011-05-14T17:45:00.000-06:00

I really miss having sex. Really.

Life These Days

2011-05-05T17:58:00.005-06:00

Things are pretty good right now, all things considered. I'm bummed about losing my job, but I think it's for the best. You know, Candy and I had had some problems. I thought they were improving, but I've been told by a couple other people there that once Candy loses faith or trust in a person, it's nearly impossible to get it back. I think I'm only coming to realize now how anxious I was going to work every day. I don't know if it's the antidepressive I'm now taking, not having to deal with Candy any more, or a combination of the two, but I have been sleeping so well the last week or two. I mean, I don't even know the last time I slept this well without having to take a sleeping pill every night! So that's been really nice.

I've decided to take a little time off of work entirely. Due to my inheritance from my granddad, I can afford to not work for a little while. I don't want to not work for too long, partly because I don't want to chew through my savings too much, and also because I think I'd get too used to it and it would be that much harder to go back to work. But for now, I'm just enjoying the time off!

I still haven't decided for sure what I'm going to do next, but I think I'll be staying put. First, I hate moving. Really, really hate it. Second, I don't want to move back to my hometown, so wherever I would end up in the States, I'd basically be starting over. I have friends here now and I don't want to leave them. Lastly, the economy here is still pretty good so I'm not worried about being able to find another job here. However, my plan is to do some temp work over the summer, make a trip to TX that Mom and I are planning in September, and then find a permanent job when I come back. Doing the temp work gives me the chance to make sure that staying in Edmonton is what's best without using too much of my savings.

So that's what's going on with me. I'm feeling fairly good about things. Oh, and we're getting close to the divorce being official. A little part of me feels uneasy about it, but mostly I'm looking forward to it. I want it to be done, and once it is I'm going to go back to my maiden name. Maybe that will help me feel more like me.

Jasper Scenery

2011-05-02T20:35:00.009-06:00

Mount Pyramid:

Medicine Lake:

This makes me feel like I should start singing "The hills are alive..."

View from my balcony:

Art & Animals

2011-04-29T10:14:00.011-06:00

More photos from my Jasper trip...

This is my one "artistic" photo:

A friendly squirrel:

Elk:

And big horn sheep:

Right outside the car!

Cozy Little Room

2011-04-26T21:38:00.004-06:00

I'll make a few posts of my pictures from Jasper. I had a really nice trip and I'm so glad that I went. I'll just post a couple pictures this time - of my hotel room! It was more like part of a cabin, but nice. These pictures a little dark because there wasn't great lighting, but you can see it well enough, I think.

So much for getting better

2011-04-21T12:24:00.002-06:00

I was just let go from my job.

I wanted some time off, so I guess I've got it now. I'm leaving tomorrow to head to Jasper for the weekend, which was planned a while ago. I think I'm just going to not think about it too much right now. I'll take some time - maybe a week - and just relax and enjoy. I'll think about it, to be sure, but I don't think I'm going to make any real decisions right away.

I'm really not sure what comes next.

It can only get better from here... right?

2011-04-16T18:01:00.003-06:00

I had a good appointment with my therapist last week. She made me feel better about the anxiety I've been feeling. I told her that I wasn't surprised that it was happening, but that I was surprised that it's happening now. I would've expected this six months ago or something. She said that there are two things that can contribute to this. First, when there's a big event like this, people often go into "survival mode" at first. Meaning that I was only dealing with immediate needs and issues, and not dealing with long-term effects. Second, people can be distracted by other things going on and it's only once those other things go away that we're basically forced to deal with what's going on. That one made me go, "Ooohhh." It made a lot of sense when I think back to the fact that the new program at work started only a couple months after my separation, it's kept me busy for months, and there have been the issues between Candy and me at work. So now that these issues have gone away or are going away... I'm just left with my issues. It was honestly a relief to feel like I'm not crazy to be experiencing this.

Even though that part made me feel better, overall I still felt like crap. Just blah and depressed. I had my regular check up with my regular doctor - which I do every few months after my regular diabetic bloodwork - yesterday, so I talked to him about it a little, of course. He suggested that I keep going with the counselling, but he also gave me a prescription for a low-dose antidepressant. I dropped it off at the pharmacy after work, so I'll pick it up on Monday. I think just knowing that I have the script is making me feel a little better. It makes me feel like I don't have to try to do this all on my own, like I don't have to just talk about it and analyze everything and struggle through it on my own. That, too, is kind of a relief.

It's going to be a quiet week at work because most of the office will be gone at our convention, which is held out of town, so that will be nice. Candy will only be in the office on Thursday. Plus it's a short week since the office is closed for Good Friday. Of course, that's when I'll be heading to Jasper for my weekend away. I'm still really looking forward to it! And since the office is closed again for Easter Monday, I'll have another short work week. So maybe all of these things combined is helping me to feel a little better, which only started yesterday afternoon.

Oh, and the fact that we got about 4 inches of snow on Thursday didn't help!

Mom's BD Gift

2011-04-10T10:24:00.004-06:00

I was cheesing it a little when this picture was taken. But this is what I knit for Mom for her birthday this year.

Off

2011-04-06T08:31:00.003-06:00

Something's off. I'm off. I'm having a lot of anxiety right now. Social anxiety, I guess? As in... I'm having trouble making myself leave the house to go anywhere, including to work. Which is why I'm home today. I get so anxious that I make myself nauseated, although I don't actually get sick. This has happened to me before, when I was living in Chicago. I never really found a good solution to it, I just eventually moved away and it hasn't been so much of an issue for me here until recently. The good news is that I have my next counselling appointment tomorrow so I can talk to her about it. I just really hate feeling this way and yet I don't know how to make it go away.

An Actual Post

2011-03-31T17:58:00.006-06:00

XM just came by about a half an hour ago. He had emailed that he needed our original marriage certificate for the divorce paperwork, and I had the certificate. He said I could just leave it at the door if I didn't want to see him. I didn't feel comfortable about just leaving it outside, so I said I'd be fine to see him, but I'd just give him the certificate and leave it at that. And that's pretty much what happened. It was just uncomfortable. I think it's just that I don't know what to say to him any more. I can't just chat. Any questions I think to ask are ones that I really don't need to know the answers to, like whether or not that other chick is still living with him. I cried a little when he left. It's just still so surreal to me that I basically no longer have a relationship with this man who was everything to me, who I moved to a different country to be with, who I had committed myself to and who I wanted to spend my life with. Ugh. It just sucks.

I've had a good week at work so far, and there's only one more day left! It's a fairly slow week for me, but it helps that Candy has been out sick most of the week. She was in for most of Tuesday but even then she left a little early because she felt bad. I don't know exactly what she's under the weather with, but I know when I spoke with her Monday by phone she said she had a horrible headache and she honestly looked like crap when she was in on Tuesday. Anyway, when she's not in the office it's a nicer day for me because things are just more relaxed. And even though she and I had some friction recently, that was the case even before all of that, so I don't think it really has anything to do with it. I think it's that way for most people - it's more relaxed when you know there's no one there to really pay attention to what you're doing! That makes it sound like I don't do anything when Candy isn't there, which isn't true. I just like when there's no pressure.

The yarn store I usually go to sponsors a knitting trip every November. It's a train trip to Jasper for four days. There's always a knitting designer that comes as part of the trip. They have various workshops and time to hang out. All the ladies I knit with are planning on going and most of them have already signed up. They were all telling me that I should go and how much fun it is and that I'd come home with my stomach hurting from laughing so much. Like it's our Wednesday night group for four days. I would really like to go because I think it would be a lot of fun and I do love going to Jasper. However, it's $1000. I'd have to take at least two days off of work and realistically it'd be three. Last year the return train didn't arrive until after midnight on Monday night/Tuesday morning, so going to work on Tuesday wouldn't be ideal. If I really wanted to do it, I could. I would just barely have the vacation time to take the three days off, and I could afford to go because of my inheritance from my granddad (and that's the only reason I could afford it). I just don't know. That's a real chunk of money and I'm trying to be really conscientious about how I spend my inheritance. I'm really going to have to think about it.

Random Stuff

2011-03-28T20:43:00.002-06:00

Does anyone know of a good teeth whitening kit or thing? My teeth are starting to look like they need a little pick-me-up. I could get it done at my dentist, which I might do eventually, but I feel like I should start with the regular store stuff. So, any suggestions?

Our receptionist at work resigned because her family was moving back east. Her last day was this past Thursday. However, her manager is currently on maternity leave and won't be back for a few months. They're not going to hire a new receptionist until then. So we had a temp receptionist start this morning. She seems nice, but I only had a little bit of interaction with her. But right off the bat I had that nagging feeling that she really reminded me of someone. After a few minutes, it finally clicked with me who she reminded me of - Nadya Suleman aka Octomom. This new receptionist is like a younger (early 20's) Octomom! So now I'm having trouble looking at her and not thinking of Nadya. We'll see how day 2 goes.

I'm in Silence... Apparently

2011-03-24T18:19:00.002-06:00

For those of you whose blogs I read and usually comment on... well, I can't. I don't know why and I'll try to figure it out. I comment and it says that my comment is saved, but then I go back later and my comment is not there. Anyway, don't take my silence as my not reading your blog, it's just that I can't.

Every morning this week I have woken up an hour to an hour and a half before my alarm and I can't get back to sleep. This does not make me happy. It does make me tired. And it doesn't make me feel like blogging. Sorry, folks. It'll come back around.

Where in the World is Suzy Sandiego?

2011-03-19T14:07:00.003-06:00

My blog disappeard for a little while. I have no idea why. I kind of wonder if it had something to do with the magnet that I posted. It's not offensive or anything, but maybe because it mentions an addictive substance...?

Anyway, I haven't deleted my blog. Hopefully this doesn't happen again. Have a nice day!

I bought this

2011-03-15T18:51:00.001-06:00

Saw This Today

2011-03-12T15:04:00.000-07:00

People, there really is no such thing as a "greener pasture." Those of you who keep rushing off to find it think that you have the worst luck because your green pastures lose their luster once you get there. It's not the pasture, folks--it's you. Take care of the pasture you have, start appreciating it more and maybe it will turn greener for you.

Hoops Funny

2011-03-08T20:56:00.001-07:00

Really great, really funny article. I don't care anything about college hoops, but I still loved it, so go read for a good chuckle!

2011-03-05T11:43:00.001-07:00

I miss kissing.

This and That

2011-02-27T21:51:00.005-07:00

I appreciate all the comments on my last post. Debating about whether or not to move back to the States is something that happens often in my mind. But the fact of the matter is that if I were to move back, I wouldn't want to actually live in my hometown again. I'd probably go back there at first and stay with Mom - because she's offered for me to do so - but then I'd look for job in places within a few hours of there and move to wherever I found a good job. So, in the end, I'd be pretty much starting from scratch even if I did move back to the States. And that's a big thing to keep in mind in this debate.

After last Wednesday not ending well at work, the rest of the week was fine. I didn't let on to Candy that I was unhappy about our meeting, so I don't think it really affected things between us. In the end, no job is perfect, so I'm still hesitant to give up a job where things are mostly good. Pamela, I think you're right - if/when it's time for a change, I'll know. And feeling like I'm not ready for a change makes it easy for me to stop worrying about it.

So it's back to work tomorrow after a very quiet, relaxing weekend. I ended up not going anywhere at all this weekend. We've gotten some more snow and it's been cold and windy. So, I figured that since I didn't have to go anywhere... I wasn't gonna!

I watched the Oscars tonight, even though I've only seen maybe one of the movies - The King's Speech, which I loved. I typically like James Franco and Anne Hathaway in movies, but I didn't really care for them as hosts. James always looked bored and like he'd rather be anywhere else. Anne was just trying too hard or something, like she was all wound up, and it seriously annoyed me how she's squeal or scream after introducing someone. Anyone. Every dang time. So I hope they're not repeat hosts.

Lost

2011-02-23T20:49:00.004-07:00

I was having a good day at work today... until I had a meeting with my manager. I won't bother rehashing everything, but suffice it to say that it was a bad way to end my day. She claims that she thinks I'm doing a good job, but then goes over everything that I'm doing wrong. I'm starting to dread going to work every day. And I hate that. I hate it because no one wants to feel that way. I hate it because this job is the main reason I stayed in Edmonton. And I hate it because I like just about everything else about my job.

I could look for another job, but then I have to try to decide whether to look for one here in Edmonton or back in the States. And that's a really big decision. I hate moving. I hate looking for a new job. I hate all this change. I'm dying for some stability in my life. But I also don't want to be miserable.

I really don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling so lost.

Possible Trip

2011-02-15T18:49:00.005-07:00

As you all might remember, I took a trip to Lake Louise at the end of October, since I had been given two free nights at a place there. At the time, I was thinking that I'd like to do it again this year, maybe late spring before it gets to high season, as kind of a late birthday gift to myself. Or just because I want to. Only instead of Lake Louise, I'd go to Jasper.

Last month I was looking at my vacation time for the year and it was looking like I wouldn't be able to take a long weekend for my trip to Jasper. I'm saving up my vacation time right now for a trip to the States in September. But then it occurred to me that I have a 4-day weekend over Easter, which means that I wouldn't have to use any vacation days, but I'd still have enough time for a good trip to Jasper! This year Easter is also late enough in the season that I wouldn't be worried about weather or the roads in the mountains, which isn't the case most years.

Now here's the thing: I wouldn't be able to afford this trip except the inheritance I'm receiving from my granddad. Even though he died over a year ago, us four grandkids agreed to wait until the investment came to term, which it did this past fall, rather than pay penalties for an early withdrawal. We all had to sign some forms, and we should be receiving the money within the next few weeks. Now, this is not the kind of inheritance where I'll now be independently wealthy or could even afford to buy a house. But it's a nice amount. I could, say, buy a new car and pay for it outright... depending on the car. :P

I have in mind to put the vast majority of this money into savings and investments. I also have in mind to spend some of it on things I can use, but it's not vital at this point - like winter tires and a new windshield, since my current one has a crack. I also feel okay with splurging a little - a little clothes and shoes shopping, a little yarn shopping, stuff like that. I'm trying not to get too much in mind of things to spend the money on because then it'll be gone before I know it, and that would be such a waste. So here's my question: do you think I should go for the trip and spend the money or would it be better to skip it and save the money?

2011-02-10T21:33:00.005-07:00

I enjoyed watching the Super Bowl with Ginny at her place. It was a good game, and I was glad the Packers won. It's not that I'm really such a big Packers fan, but the Steelers have already won a couple Super Bowls in the last several years, so I just wanted the winning to be spread around. Oh, and I know he's married, but I would totally jump on Mike Tomlin's bones if a non-adulterous opportunity arose.

The yarn store I hang out at is owned by two sisters. The older sister is usually at the other location, which is downtown. I've only been there once because it's not terribly convenient to get to and it's not really in a great area. Not horrible, but not great.

Anyway, the younger sister, Cynthia, is the one that's usually at the store that's close to me, so I've gotten to know her some. There's a handful of us that hang out on Wednesday nights and some Sunday afternoons. Cynthia emailed the group of us last week and actually referred to us as the Wednesday Night Knitting Club. She was emailing because she recently went to a knitting conference and learned a form of traditional form of Swedish knitting, or something like that. So she's holding a little class for the staff and "special guests," meaning our little group. It feels like a real priviledge to be included and I'm looking forward to the class, although based on her description of the knitting, I'll probably be totally lost. The class is this coming Wednesday, so we'll see!

This past Wednesday our little group secretly organized a little surprise birthday celebration for Cynthia, since her birthday is this weekend. She was definitely surprised and I think she was really pleased. We're all hanging out after the store was closed, having cake, knitting, and just talking and laughing. The women are just so stinking funny and make me laugh like crazy. It makes me feel really fortunate to have found and created this group of new friends.

Monday is Valentine's Day. I'm trying to ignore it, but it's not really working. I mean, it's not like I had a good VD last year since XM and I were already headed downhill. But it still really sucks this year. I'll be honest - it's bumming me out.

Husbands

2011-02-05T15:29:00.001-07:00

My mom sent me the following email this week:

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and
ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world...

And then God made the world round.

I thought you would appreciate this. So much for contrived promises, right?

Stuff going on

2011-01-27T19:56:00.008-07:00

I keep meaning to blog about what's going on, but when it comes time, I just don't get around to it. Sorry, folks.

When I went to leave work last Friday, I discovered that I had a flat tire. I think I could change a tire if I had to, but I've never actually done it, so I'm nervous about it. Like the tire might fall off half way home or something. I tried calling CAA (like AAA), but because of the weather and shortage of CAA workers, I was going to be waiting at least eight hours. So I sent XM a text msg telling him that I had a flat tire, but at least I was still at work. I didn't want to ask him for help, but I didn't want to try to do this myself. Thankfully, he did offer to help, so I accepted. He drove over and changed my tire for me. After he was finished, we chatted for a bit. Chatted is a nice way of putting it. I asked him how he was doing and he said mostly okay. He asked me how I was doing and I started to cry. As I told him, it's still really hard to see him. It's so strange to me that here's this person who was such a big part of my life, and we still live in the same city, but we never see each other and never talk to each other. This was the first time in three months that I'd seen or talked to XM. I told him that I really appreciated him coming to help me. He said, "I told you I'd always help you out." I said, "I know, but it's not like you have any actual obligation to me now." He replied, "That doesn't matter." I'm glad that he said that, to know that he will still help me if I need it, but seeing him Friday just reinforced the fact that I'm better off not being in touch with him much at this point. It's just too hard and too painful.

Saturday morning I called the tire store where I'd been before and they said they could get a new tire for me, but it wouldn't be at that store until Monday. No biggie, right? Monday morning I went to leave to go to work... and I got stuck in the snow. It's been warmer for the past week, so instead of harder, packed down snow, it's a bunch of mush. I couldn't go forward or backward and I was blocking the alley where we all have to drive to park in these condos. I was stuck for probably 45 minutes before three of my lovely neighbors were able to help push me out. Really did not start out my Monday on a good note. I cried on the way to work and tried to pull myself together before I walked in, but when our receptionist asked me if I was okay - because I was pretty late at this point - I just shook my head and started crying again. Sheesh, I am such a wus! She and one of the other ladies there hugged me and were so sweet about it. Really, I work with great people.

So, since then I've just been parking on the street so I wouldn't get stuck again. Except that tonight when I came home there was a sign at the entrance to my neighborhood about them doing some sort of street cleaning and so we couldn't park on the street. So I pulled on into the alley and part way into my spot... and got stuck. @#$^*(*&$!!!!!!! I tried to dig myself out and go back and forth and Peachie was just not moving. So I called my upstairs neighbors for help. I didn't know what else to do. Fortunately, they did come out and help. Lorne pulled my car into my spot and then he chopped up the packed down snow so I could shovel it out of the way. I'm not sure he was all that happy about helping me, but at least he did. I'm thinking I'm going to bake cookies or something as a way to say thanks. I think I'm going to go back to parking on the street, although it's supposed to get cold again over the weekend. The only good news is that, according to everyone here, this is the most snow Edmonton has gotten in about forty years, so at least I won't typically have to deal with this. Sound familiar to anyone else about this winter? lol

Tonight when I got stuck, I had been coming home from a special appointment. I had my first counselling appointment today after work. I found a place just a couple minutes from work, which means that it's only about 15 minutes from home too, which is great. I think the appointment went well. I like the woman I met with. I'm guessing she's not too much older than I am, but I'm not always good at guessing ages. For any of you who've gone to counselling, you know that the first meeting (or first two, maybe) are mostly just a "fact finding missing" since the therapist is starting completely from scratch. So Kathy - the therapist - was mostly just asking questions to get the background of everything and find out what had gone on with XM and me. At the end, though, she stated that she thinks I'm strong and resourceful. I have to admit that it was a boost for someone who doesn't know me to make that statement. I definitely think I'll see her again, although probably not any more often that once a month or so. I'm just really glad that it went well.

Knitting Stuff

2011-01-15T16:10:00.011-07:00

We got a foot of snow last weekend, so I did not leave the house to go anywhere and only went outside to shovel. We've continued to get more snow over the last few days and more today and tomorrow, so it's a good weekend to stay home at least most of the time. I'm only going out for a bit tomorrow afternoon. The result? I'm getting a lot of knitting done! Last weekend I finished a baby alpaca scarf for myself. It goes with my heavy winter coat.

The pictures don't really do it justice, because the yarn is really nice, really soft, and so very cozy. Perfect for those super cold days!

A while back I also started my first actual clothing item, a tank top. I figured I'd start with something that didn't have sleeves. It's a fairly basic pattern with a lot of stockinette stitch, but I have learned how to do short rows for the bust shaping.

It looks a little oddly shaped because it wasn't laying quite right, but that's the front half of the top! I've gotten a couple inches done on the back now, but it'll probably still be a little while before it's completely finished.

I've also started a scarf to give to Brother's girlfriend, who, you may remember, I met for the first time during my trip to Ohio back in October. She said she wanted something in either lavender or periwinkle blue, as either of those colours would match little stripes in her winter coat. But she didn't want a heavy, thick scarf. I found some lovely yarn that's 80% baby alpaca and 20% silk - Baby Silk. I'm using a simple basketweave pattern that was in the Vogue Stitchionary book that Mom gave me for my birthday.

I've still got most of the way to go on this scarf, but I really like it so far and I'm excited for BGF (Brother's girlfriend) to get it once it's finished!

I have connections

2011-01-05T21:03:00.002-07:00

A couple weeks ago, my granddad's lawyer emailed the forms to Brother, our cousins, and me that we need to complete for Granddad's estate. One of the pages has to be signed by a notary public and sent back to the lawyer. I first checked with my bank to see if someone there could do it, but they couldn't. So I started looking online for one. As I'm looking, I'm finding that I'm going to have to pay at least $50 for a notary public! For one page!

Then, suddenly, it hit me - I know a lawyer! One of the ladies that I knit with - and really like - at the yarn store, is a lawyer and she works for the Dept. of Justice! So tonight I asked her if she's a notary public, which she is, and if she'd be willing to stamp a page for me, which she is. Yay! I'm so glad I don't have to pay money for this, and she really doesn't seem to mind or regard it as a big favour. Although I think I'm still going to try to think of some nice little something to do for her, like maybe buy a skein of yarn she likes or something. So next week she's going to bring her stamp and notarize the page for me. I like having these connections. :)

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T21:58:00.001-07:00

It's the first day of 2011. It's also nearly the fifth anniversary of when I started this blog - two days from now to be exact. I can't believe I've been babbling about nothing for five years!

I'm trying to start this year off in a good frame of mind. I've been really down and blah lately. But I've been thinking the last couple days about the fact that my life is really pretty decent. I have a lot of people in my life who care about me, including some people here in Edmonton that I'm developing friendships with, I have a job that I really like, and I have a hobby that I can't get enough of. I think I'm even doing okay financially, although I'm not going to be rolling in the dough any time soon. I mean, that's not a bad place to be in life, right?

I'm not really in touch with XM much at this point. I just find that I'm angry any time I'm thinking about him or communicating with him. Really angry. It doesn't help that I keep asking him to fill out the paperwork now, instead of putting it off, and he doesn't want to bother right now. Gee, thanks. Our divorce can't be official until we've been separated for a year, but I'd really rather just get it all taken care of and filed so I don't have to deal with it any more. And XM just doesn't care what I want. Cue the anger. So I'm really trying to just put it all out of my mind. I'm trying to think about and deal with him as little as possible right now. I think it's just better that way.

So here's a new year, and the deep hope and fervent prayer that 2011 is better than 2010. Happy New Year, everyone!!

Post-Christmas Post

2010-12-27T19:47:00.005-07:00

Mom left this morning to head home. Her flight was delayed leaving Edmonton, so I'm hoping she makes her connection in Chicago and still gets home tonight as planned. We had a really nice visit, but I was glad for her to go. Like I've had my fill. I know she's kind of worried about me, but I feel like she's overanalyzing about stuff right now, and I do not like that. I'm still glad she was here for a little visit, though.

Back to work tomorrow.

704

2010-12-20T18:38:00.004-07:00

This is my 704th post. This is vital information that I needed to share with you.

Mom arrives on Wednesday for a Christmas visit. I still have mixed feelings about it. Truth is, I know it'll go fast. She's here for five days. We haven't planned a ton of stuff, but we'll be doing enough. And I want her to really relax and just enjoy herself. I think we're going to watch movies at home and maybe go see one in the theatre on Christmas Day. I've already told her that I don't want us to spend a bunch of time cooking and stuff, because it's just the two of us. And even though it would be really nice to have a four-day weekend to myself, I also know that I'd probably be really depressed to spend Christmas by myself - although I've had a couple people invite Mom and me for Xmas dinner, so I know I'd probably join Lizzy or Ginny if Mom weren't here. So I'm glad she'll be here so I'm not alone on Christmas Day.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!!

blah blah blah

2010-12-15T22:07:00.005-07:00

I'm looking forward to the new NBC show with Kathy Bates, "Harry's Law," that'll be starting in January. I like Kathy Bates, so it'll be fun to see her on TV.

I've found a disadvantage to where I'm living now. Apparently, when it's windy, things get blown into my corner. The way this house/condo is that I'm in the basement of, it's kind of like an innie corner outside. Which means that when it's been snowing and windy all day, I come home to a snow drift where I would normally park Peachie. Oh, goody. I parked on the street and came outside three different times to try to shovel it all. I got it pretty much done, with a little help from one of my upstairs neighbors. I left some at the end and just stomped it down a little and then drove over it. I try to use my legs and not my back, but my back is still sore. I have to lift the shovel up in order to dump it on top of the bushes next to where I park, so that doesn't help. Of course, then when I go to move my car from the street to my actual spot, I was a little stuck in the snow on the street. It really only took maybe five minutes, going back and forth, to get out of the rut, but it felt like an eternity and I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to. It just all sucked. Kind of makes me mad at XM that I moved here and was willing to put up with worse winters in order to be with him, and now...

The nice part is that I'll get the afternoon off of work tomorrow. We do a team activity at Christmas, but the budget is a little tight, so Candy didn't want to do anything big. So she, Lizzy, and I are going out for a nice lunch and then she said we could just have the rest of the day for ourselves! It's not exciting, but you know I'll take it. I'm looking forward (and a little nervous) to giving them the scarves I knit for them. I think things are finally getting better at work and back to normal. Candy seems more like her old self. I think her review with our president hit home for her how she's been and how it can't be like that. I had my review with her on Tuesday and it went really well. She apologized for being crappy and flat out told me to call her out on it in the future if it comes up again. We had good discussions about a few different things, and I feel really good about things again. That makes me feel better and it makes me happy.

Dislike

2010-12-13T18:45:00.003-07:00

I hate driving here in the winter. I'm always afraid. I'm seriously going to buy winter tires once I have my inheritance. Unless this winter is nearly over and then I'll wait until next fall. I know it makes a difference and I hate being so afraid and anxious about it.

On another note, I've apparently been on Facebook long enough that I know want to click "Like" when I'm on entirely different websites, maybe after reading an article or a blog post. Does anyone else experience this?

Update

2010-12-07T18:40:00.009-07:00

So here's a quick run down of the latest goings on around here:

I had an appt with my regular doc last Friday to get a recommendation for a counselor. But then he was suddenly going to be out of the office that day and all this week (I'm guessing family emergency) so I rescheduled for Monday with one of the other docs in the clinic. It was a complete waste. He gave me the card of a psychologist, but basically said that I could just look around and find someone else in the area if she didn't fit what I wanted. Gee, thanks.

I found a psychology/counseling office near work and not too far from home. I called this morning and left a message, but I haven't heard anything back yet.

We have two reviews at work every year and I have my year-end one next week. I think overall it'll be okay, but I'm still nervous. My manager, Candy, has hers the day before mine. Our organization typically has the boss email others in the org. that work closely with the person being reviewed to get their input. I emailed my input on Candy this afternoon. It makes me a little nervous because I was honest about how things have been going lately. However, I was careful to not just have a bunch of complaints, but to give compliments and suggestions as to how things can improve. I even had a couple other people there that I trust read what I wrote before I sent it, and they both thought it was good. So maybe things will get back to normal at some point.

XM and I are still emailing a little. I haven't actually seen or spoken to him since he took me to the airport when I went to Ohio, which has been about two months ago. I don't think I'm getting better any more. I just find that I'm so hurt and angry, and it's not going away. It ticks me off that his other woman is still there even though he told me two months ago that he was finished with her. It really pisses me off that he's making Alice move out now, even though when I said I wasn't willing to live with her any more (this was when we were already separating), he said he wasn't willing to make her move out because even though he hated living with her, he wanted to make sure she could afford university. (I will say that I'm not going to believe that he's actually making her move out until she's actually gone, since he's claimed more than once that he's making her move out. Just not at the point that I ask for it.) When we separated, XM thought that Alice was great and she was finally maturing and growing up. I told him that I didn't buy it. I told him that she was being nice because she had everything she wanted exactly how she wanted it, so of course she's going to be a lot less bitchy. But I could still she the bitchy side peek out enough to know that she hadn't changed. There's a part of me that wants to yell, "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" But I won't. It just seems like there have been a lot of things over the course of our relationship where I've stated something that XM didn't agree with... and eventually I was proven right. I was very careful to never say, "I told you so," but I secretly hoped and continue to hope that maybe he's realizing that on his own. Knowing him? He probably isn't and never will.

My mom is coming for 4-5 days over Christmas. It'll be just the two of us. On one hand I'm looking forward to it and on the other hand... it's a four-day weekend that I don't get to myself in my own space.

I love knitting.

My new scarf

2010-12-01T21:14:00.005-07:00

A while back my aunt in California sent me a couple skeins of deep purple (Eggplant) Cotton Supreme yarn. Isn't that nice? She said she knew I got cold up here and thought I could knit myself a scarf. I'm not normally a big fan of cotton yarn, but Cotton Supreme is really nice and much softer than most cotton yarn that I've felt. Anyway, I like colour, so decided to split the skeins and make two different scarves. I finished the first one a few days ago and wove in the ends tonight. I paired it with Mini Mochi yarn, which is merino wool, and has great colours. I just used one skein of each for this scarf!

2010-11-30T13:24:00.005-07:00

Something's off. I don't know if it's the holidays or if everything is just catching up to me or what, but I'm not myself. I'm depressed. I called in sick to work today because I just couldn't deal with... people and work and everything. It's only been the last couple days, but it's bad. It's not PMS either. I think I'm going to look into some sort of counseling or therapy or something. I know my extended health coverage will pay for some stuff, so it won't be completely out of pocket for me to do so. I feel like I just need something more right now.

(un)grateful

2010-11-23T21:42:00.004-07:00

I keep forgetting that this Thursday is American Thanksgiving because, of course, it's not Thanksgiving up here. It's regular Thursday up here. I don't get a Thanksgiving this year. I was in the States for Canadian TG and I'm in Canada for American TG. I was (jokingly) telling people that I'm just completely ungrateful this year!

Truth is, I am finding it hard to be grateful right now. It's been such a crappy year for me. My marriage has ended and I've been more hurt than I ever thought would happen. I'm living in a city and a country where I basically have no one. It hit me just today that I'm not anyone's priority here. I didn't have anyone to pick me up from the airport when I came back because the few people here that I could even ask were all busy with other things and being with the people that are their priorities. I just... I hate feeling so frickin' alone.

On the other hand, I've also learned how many people in my life love me and care about me and are supporting me, even from far away. I have wonderful friends and family. Even though things have been a little rough lately, I'm still glad for my job and like my co-workers.

I'm trying to focus on those things, the good things, and be grateful for them. It's just hard right now.

2010-11-18T19:32:00.004-07:00

I'm feeling a little blah tonight. I think it's just that I'm tired and the weather sucks right now. It's snowed most of the last two days, although I think it's stopped now. It only got up to about -12 C today too. I had to shovel a little when I got home from work, and I hate shovelling. I'm only responsible for the area where I park, so it's not too bad, really. I didn't even shovel the whole thing, just either side of the car, since it wasn't too deep underneath Peachie. I still hated it.

Work has been better than I thought it was going to be this week. Candy was out sick Monday and Tuesday. She had strained some muscles moving furniture or something. When she came back on Wednesday she was in a good mood and has stayed in a fairly good mood. She's more like her old self, which is good. After two days, I'm not convinced that everything is fine and dandy again, but it seems like at lease we're moving in that direction. I'd still like to have a conversation with her soon about what has happened, but I know she's behind on things right now so I think I'll wait until maybe next week.

Day of the Dread

2010-11-14T16:21:00.004-07:00

I'm dreading this week. Well, maybe that's a little strong. I just have a feeling that it's not going to be a good week at work. I think Candy's mood and attitude is starting to improve, so that's good. But she's still been acting kind of like she thinks I'm doing a crappy job. That was as of Wednesday, though, since we were all off on Thursday and Candy took off on Friday.

When I spoke with our HR person a couple weeks ago about the situation, she suggested that Candy and I have a conversation once she gets back to normal, and I agreed with that suggestion. (Our organization really encourages honesty and open communication, which, generally speaking, I like and appreciate.) I do still want to have that conversation with her, but of course the timing has to be right or I know it won't be a good, productive conversation. I have a feeling something - whether it's that conversation or something else - will probably happen this week in regards to the situation. I just hope it's something good and that things can go back to normal. I'm tired of dreading going to work every day.

Short

2010-11-07T18:40:00.005-07:00

I keep meaning to come back and blog about my trip to Lake Louise and other stuff, but I just never get around to it or don't feel like it or whatever. I still don't really feel like it. So I'll sum up. My trip to Lake Louise was really nice and I enjoyed it. I'm thinking about having another weekend to myself in late spring or early summer, but this time head to Jasper. Maybe kind of a late birthday gift to myself. Considering that I live only a few hours from the mountains, I really should go there more often. It's breathtakingly beautiful there, and I always come away feeling better than when I arrived.

Work is a bit rough right now. Things have calmed down with this new project, and I've been doing better at my job since returning from Ohio. But Candy (my manager) has been super stressed lately because of things she's having to work on, and so she's been moody, pissy, abrupt, etc. for the last few weeks. She's starting to nitpick at everything that Lizzy and I do, and both of us are pretty fed up with it. I had a little discussion with our HR person last week because I just wanted her to be aware of what was going on and so I could get input from her about the situation. It was a good conversation. She basically said she was glad that I came to her about it, and suggested that I give it another week to give Candy the chance to sort of "come down" from all the stress. If it's still an issue, then let her know. She also gave me a suggestion as to a subtle comment I could make to Candy once she does relax, to maybe make her a little more aware of how different her behavior has been the last month. I'm hoping this week will be better and the situation will sort itself out. It helps that we have off this Thursday for Remembrance Day (aka Veterans Day).

Everything else is good. I'm still knitting like a fiend. I went over to Ginny's last night and hung out with her and another girl that she works with. She made a martini for me with vodka that was bubble gum flavoured! It was pretty yummy! We watched Get Him to the Greek which was really funny, in my opinion. "Stroke the furry wall." HA!!

Well, this was longer than I thought it would be, but at least now we're all caught up.

Speechless

2010-11-01T21:55:00.004-06:00

Weekend Away

2010-10-28T18:08:00.001-06:00

I leave tomorrow around lunchtime to head to Lake Louise for the weekend!! This is from the two free nights that I was given at work a couple months ago. I'm really looking forward to it and I'm so excited!!

Going Home

2010-10-26T17:57:00.004-06:00

I won't go into great detail because there's no need to. I spent a week at my mom's and basically spent the entire time visiting with old friends and family, and relaxing. Sunday after church was lunch with a couple friends. Mom took Monday and Tuesday off of work and we drove down to Cincinnati. Monday we met an old friend for lunch (at LaRosa's - YUM!!!), then met up with my cousin that afternoon, then met some other friends for dinner. We spent the night at a hotel in northern KY. Jiffy (yay!!), who lives in southern KY, drove up and met us for lunch (at Abuelo's - YUM!!!), then we went over to some old friends' house for a couple hours, then we drove up to Dayton to have dinner with Brother and his girlfriend at their house. We were just going from one great time to another for two days!! As my mom said, "I've never done anything like that before in my life. That was fun!"

I had a nice time with Brother and his GF. This was the first time we'd met even though they've been together for a few years now. I like her! She was nice and seems to have a good sense of humour. Since there's a good chance she's going to be my sister-in-law someday, I'm glad that I like her.

Wednesday I just stayed at home while Mom had to go to work. What did I do all day? Watched TV and knit. Vacation, baby!!

Wednesday night we went to church, as I did every week growing up. Afterwards, I went home with my old friend Andrew and his wife and their kids. They're sort of like the Brady Bunch, but with only 4 kids instead of 6. His first wife died, her first husband died, and they each had two kids... there ya go! Anyway, I hadn't met his second wife, so I got to know her a little and got to visit with them both. It was nice.

Thursday morning I got up early and drove Mom to work so I could have her car for the day. I came back home and went back to bed for a little while. When I got up again I got ready and then went out to run a couple little errands, including picking up my lunch at Skyline Chili (YUM!!!). I took my lunch over to Meat's house and got to hang out with her for a few hours! She's a stay at home mom right now. She got married a couple months before I moved up here and she and her husband have now had two boys, then second one being born just this past June. I hadn't seen (in person) either of them, so it was great to see her babies! I didn't think I was going to get to see her older two from her first marriage, but I ended up going with her to pick them up from school, so I got to see them too! Her son remembered me, but her daughter didn't. I wasn't surprised, though, because her daughter was only 3 when I left. It was so nice to get some time with Meat and those few hours went way too quickly!

Thursday evening Brother and GF came up to Mom's for dinner with us again. We had another really nice visit. I hope eventually I'll be able to get to know GF better because she seems nice and she's definitely smart.

Mom had Friday off of work already, so we had a late lunch with a couple more friends. Then since I had to get going quite early Saturday morning to fly back, we just spent the rest of the day at home - relaxing, visiting, and getting me ready to leave.

Not a bad way to spend a week, eh? You know, I had a terrific time, but more than that, I feel better. I feel stronger, even. I think getting to spend all that time with people who have known me, in some cases, my entire life or at least for a really long time was a good reminder of how loved I am. That I really am special and someone worth being around. That I'll be okay because I have all these wonderful people supporting me. It felt like people were reminding me of who I really am, and it was a positive thing.

It was hard to come back. It was like I didn't know what I was coming back for. It didn't help that there wasn't even anyone to pick me up at the airport because everyone was busy. I had to take a taxi home. I feel more like, unless something significant changes for me here, I will likely move back to the States at some point. I hesitate to put a timeline on it just because I really don't know. I would think it'd be within the next five years, but who's to say?

Anyway, it was a wonderful, much needed trip back home. I love my people. :)

Change

2010-10-23T20:13:00.002-06:00

As of now, on this blog...

Master = XM

(as in, ex-Master)

Back

2010-10-16T19:37:00.002-06:00

I'm back in Edmonton. I'm having trouble calling it home right now. I had a really, really great trip to Ohio. Getting to see my people and spend time with them was like food for my soul. But now I'm really torn about my future, about what my next step should be. I keep reminding myself not to worry about it because there's not a whole lot to be done right now anyway. Mom said I should pray about it, and she's right. Sometimes I think my life has ended up here because I made my own decisions instead of trying to make the decisions that God would have me make for my life. I haven't been seeking His will in my life like I should. So I'm trying to pray more and worry less.

In any case, I'm here again. I'll blog about my trip soon.

There goes my willpower

2010-10-07T19:38:00.002-06:00

So much for having some time without contact with Master. We exchanged a few emails today and he's giving me a ride to the airport on Saturday. I will admit that it makes me feel better that things didn't work with his rebound woman - she's moving out. There are too many things that have happened and too many things that will never change for us to ever be able to get back together. But maybe now we'll at least have a chance at salvaging our friendship.

Pain

2010-10-06T18:53:00.005-06:00

Master came by tonight after work and we finally signed the Separation Agreement. He also saved the Divorce Kit to my laptop so I can read and look through everything. He didn't stay long. It's just as well. It's like every time I see him... it's just tears my heart out of my chest and I am instantly so hurt and angry. Especially if things are going well for him, which they seem to be at this point. I even told him that tonight. I told him that it's hard for me to see him be happy already. Why should he get to be happy so soon? When my life still feels like it's just barely starting to come back together? I told him that as excited as I am about going to Ohio, there's a little part of me that's dreading it because I know there are going to be questions. I'll be going to church with Mom and I'm sure not everyone there knows yet. I can just see one of those sweet little old ladies coming up to me and asking me where my husband is and why they never get to meet him. He said he's sorry, but it's not all his fault. I said it was mostly his fault. I did everything he asked, which he's acknowledged himself, so I'm not even making that up. He says I shouldn't have hated him because he snored. I said he should have actually DONE something about it and not treated it like it was my problem just because he wasn't bothered. Just like he acted like it was all my problem because I wasn't comfortable with Alice's boyfriend shacking up with her when they hadn't even graduated from high school! Just like he acted like it was all my problem that I wasn't willing to live with Alice any more (after she did graduate) because she's a complete bitch! I mean, really, why should it matter if I'm completely uncomfortable in my own home? Even after all that, I was willing to stay married, knowing full well that my needs would never be met, because I made a commitment. I don't want to be the kind of person who breaks a promise just because it doesn't turn out like I wanted it to. I was willing to stand by the vows that I made.

Anyway, that brief visit tonight just reinforced the fact that I just need to not be in touch with Master for a while. If I'm not thinking about him or communicating with him, it's a whole lot easier on me. There's just too much pain from dealing with Master right now.

Yarn & Knitting Pictures

2010-10-05T18:31:00.009-06:00

Here's the yarn I bought for Ginny:

This picture didn't turn out as well, but here's the milk fibre I bought at the same time:

I have six knitting projects going right now. What can I say? I like having a variety of things to work on!

Here's the scarf I'm knitting for my manager Candy for a Christmas present:

And here is the alpaca scarf I'm knitting for the other member of our team at work, Lizzy: